


The Place Between Us All

by coffee_mage



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, M/M, PTSD, Rape (off-screen non-graphic), Romance, Trans Character, atypical panic attack, drug and alcohol abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-05-30 11:25:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 61,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6422011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffee_mage/pseuds/coffee_mage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kissing is easy.  Loving is hard.</p><p>James and Q both have lessons to learn about this and very different paths that have brought them there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. They Can't See

**Author's Note:**

> This fic started out as a short to play with a conceit: Q, as someone who's given up his identity to become 'just' a letter, has a unique opportunity for the kind of transition that could only exist in fiction, really. I wanted to play with that and see what it would be like for there to be a mystery for James to solve, to figure out his history because I wanted to see Q shut him down, refuse to let James be such a rude, obnoxious asshole. What came about was a romance novel the likes of which I've never written or even thought of writing because the 'mystery' stopped mattering and what mattered was who they were as people and how they could come together, meet in the middle. I didn't mean to write a novel, but a month after beginning this, I had and it ended up being a story about the different kinds of walls people put up and why. 
> 
> This story contains a lot of things that may be triggering because it's a story where no one has all the cards. James doesn't know the first thing about being polite to a transgender person and it shows. Q doesn't have a support structure or a sense of community so he's built himself an isolated life out of fear of discovery and fear of social repercussions. If the themes and situations attached to that might bother you or harm you, please don't read this. It's also a story about a man (James) who is effectively a sex worker by another name and whose sense of duty makes him minimize both his lack of choice in partners and repeated rapes (committed against him, not against others, though all but one are off-screen). It contains a character suffering from post-traumatic stress combined with adrenaline let-down and that character acting out destructively out of panic. 
> 
> It also contains a dynamic love story between two men and a pair of spoilt cats. This is a love story, and it has a happy ending. It is COMPLETE and I will post about once or twice a week as I get editing finished (though I'm doing Camp NaNo this month and wordcount comes before editing). Originally, I thought this would be a 2000 word short, I haven't done the chapter splits completely yet and I'm not sure how many chapters it will be.
> 
> Special thanks to my beta, atypicalsnowman, without whom the editing would seem insurmountable
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

James kissed Q the first time on a Thursday afternoon, deep under MI6.It was raining on the streets above and James’ coat was wet.He’d been awake for forty-eight hours, having only just landed from a mission.He was exhausted but he’d managed to bring back two-thirds of the equipment and taking it back downstairs sounded better than either his check-in with Medical or his debrief with M. 

Kissing Q was a lovely diversion.They were very nearly of a height, Q a hair shorter, and James enjoyed the way that Q melted in against him, his slim body folding easily in between James’ arms.Q kissed deeply, letting James take the lead and drawing him in again and again.

James was sure he was going to get what he needed from this, what he’d been aching for since the adrenaline had started to leave his body and left him shaking in a bathroom in some tiny regional airport for twenty solid minutes before his legs stopped feeling like wet noodles.He needed something to prop him up and get him going again.A quick fuck and then he’d be able to face the rest of his responsibilities so he could go home and pass out for a few days.

It wasn’t to be, though.

Slowly, with a touch that spoke of regret but didn’t leave room for argument, Q pressed one hand into James’ shoulder—carefully, it seemed, missing where he’d been wounded by Eve—and stepped back.“I’m sorry.That was lovely, but this isn’t going anywhere.”

James blinked at him, trying to understand through his exhaustion exactly what was happening.“Excuse me?”

“I know what this is and I know it’s something you need right now, but I absolutely cannot provide it.Thank you for bringing back at least some of your equipment.You may leave.”Q didn’t sound angry, but there was a steel behind his words that made James pay attention.

“If I’d brought it all back, would this be going somewhere?”

Q shook his head.“No, I don’t think so, 007.I think I’d have died of shock and your files don’t indicate necrophilia.”

James couldn’t help laughing a little, a low chuckle that rose up from his stomach.“We’ll see about that.Next time, Quartermaster, you’ll have to give me some positive reinforcement.”

“I promise to have some sweets available if you actually succeed at bringing it all back,” Q replied, amused.He walked around to the other side of his desk, very deliberately putting a barrier between them.

James took the hint and stumbled off to Medical.They were his least favourite, especially when he wasn’t actually injured, but maybe he’d be able to pass out for an hour before they noticed he was there.After all, it was the last place anyone would think to look for him.

 

The second time, James wasn’t actually sure what day of the week it was.He’d crossed so many date lines in both directions in the past month that he wasn’t sure if it was tomorrow or yesterday.It was raining again, he knew that much, and he had all his equipment. 

He settled it down on the silver platter on the edge of Q’s desk, smirking. 

Q glanced over.“I may have to revise my self-identification as an atheist.Miracles do happen.”

James leaned in.“I’d love to make you pray,” he tried.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Q replied, tone unimpressed, but he didn’t shy away when James touched his cheek and leaned in for the kiss.

It was a slightly rough kiss, Q giving a little more teeth and James responding in kind.James tried to pull him up out of his chair, bring him in for more, but as soon as he did, Q got his hand in between them and pushed James away firmly. 

“You want to find a better location?” James offered.“I’ve got a hotel nearby.”

Q shook his head, fumbling for a drawer of his desk.“I’ve got far too much work to do to leave.”

James leaned in for another kiss, encouraged and enjoying the sense of urgency, but Q’s hand stopped him and he drew back, confused.

Q had gotten his desk drawer open, but instead of the bottle of lotion or other slippery substance James had expected, he was holding out a handful of sweets.“Good job bringing back your equipment.Here’s your reward.”

“I’d rather have you.”

Q shook his head, clearly amused, and pressed the sweets into James’ hand.“No, I don’t think you would.”He turned his attention back to his screen.“Good day, 007.”There was a dismissiveness in his tone that James didn’t like.

He turned on his heel and left, confused.He glanced at the sweets.Peppermints.He hated peppermints.

 

Coming back wounded but without his equipment, any of it, netted him a little more attention.He stumbled into Q-Branch and leaned on the standing desk at its centre.“I’m afraid I haven’t any equipment,” he slurred, his lips and tongue swollen from repeated blows to the mouth.“But I thought I’d tell you in person.”

Q glanced up at him.“Medical seems like it would have been rather a better choice.”

“But you’re my favourite.”

A smile played over Q’s lips.He looked almost flattered, though there was an edge of concern around his eyes.“Be that as it may, you haven’t anything to do here if you haven’t any equipment.Please proceed to Medical.”

“There’s something for me to do,” James responded, voice low. 

Q glanced around, a little nervously.“Not in front of my staff,” he said quietly.“That would cross a boundary the consequences of which you are not at all prepared to deal with.”

“I was talking about the paperwork.” 

“In your condition?”

“It’s in your office, isn’t it?”

Q sighed, his body the very image of defeat but something of mischief about his face.“All right, 007,” he said in a slightly louder voice, though not much louder than his typical speaking voice.“If you can’t be bothered bringing back the equipment, you can at least put your time in Medical to good use and do your paperwork.Come with me.”He turned and started towards his office, glancing over his shoulder to see if James was following him.

James followed closely, like a dog at the heel and as soon as they were out of sight of Q’s staff, he closed the door and drew Q in for a long, slow, shallow kiss that didn’t jostle his sore mouth.He pulled Q in close, sliding one hand up and down the his back.Q let it go on for awhile, but the moment James tried to pull them together so that his body was properly flush against Q’s, Q put a tender hand on his cheek and drew them apart.

“Bond, you need to go to Medical.”

“It’s honestly not that bad.”

“It’s not just the technological equipment I want returned in one piece,” Q said quietly, stepping back out of James’ reach and reaching for a stack of papers on the corner of his desk.

“One might think you cared,” James responded.

Q looked into his eyes steadily.“I am ordering you to go to Medical.Your pupil dilation isn’t even.I’ll be calling ahead to make sure you arrive, now go.”He strode past James, out into his branch, without a backwards glance.

 

It happened after the next mission, and the next, becoming something of a tradition.James came back from a mission and kissed his quartermaster.Q never resisted or stopped him from initiating the kiss and when Q inevitably said no, James pulled back.Sometimes the kiss was deeper, sometimes the kiss was barely a brush of lips.Sometimes, James got as far as his hands on Q’s arse before Q stopped him. 

Kiss number six was the first that anyone but them had any inkling of and was possibly the most embarrassing snog of James’ life.He’d been stabbed four times in a tropical country—he wasn’t actually sure which one as he’d been somewhere in the rainforest on the border between Columbia and Peru—and it had become evident during the five hour layover in Houston that his first aid in the field hadn’t been sufficient, nor had it contained nearly enough antibiotics.The cold sweat beading on his forehead and neck told him that, but he was sure he could handle the nine hour flight back to London before he saw a doctor.

He might have miscalculated slightly, something he realized on his third trip to the plane’s toilet in an hour, halfway through, where he wasn’t sure if he should position his face or his arse over the toilet for maximum effect.He was sick, badly so.The reasons slipped through his mind, escaping as quickly as he could grab them, but the pain in his wounds kept bringing him back to one thought.He’d gone septic.

It took every bit of focus he had to get one of the flight attendants to understand that she needed to call ahead for him to be met by an ambulance and that he needed it to be a specific ambulance, one run by MI6.That done, he gave into his misery, shaking in his seat and trying not to hyperventilate or shit himself.It was, bar none, the worst flight of his life.As they landed, he clutched the case with his equipment tightly to his chest with a single-minded idea that giving it back to his quartermaster would fix things and no amount of reasoning from anyone would convince him to relinquish his case to anyone but Q.

This wasn’t a problem when they started the IV lines in the ambulance.It became a rather large problem when they tried to remove it from his arms in order to start properly treating him once they’d arrived in Medical.He couldn’t shake the idea that they were all double agents, that they were all trying to steal MI6 secrets. 

He pulled his lines immediately.They were poisoning him or perhaps giving him some kind of truth serum, and he wouldn’t give in, couldn’t give in. Someone tried to shove him down onto the bed and he shouted, kicking out.Two more, then three assailants.He bit someone hard enough to draw blood.

“This is classified, I’m not giving it to traitors!” he snarled as he split someone’s lip.“Quartermaster’s eyes only!”

Things went quiet for a few minutes, Medical staff milling about at the other end of the room, giving him space.They were talking, conspiring against him, but he couldn’t find the energy to take them down from a distance.He just wanted to sleep or possibly curl up and weep.Instead, he kept a close eye on them, determined not to give up any secrets.The peace dragged on for a bit, but then someone approached him with a syringe and got kicked in the face.As people began to descend upon him again, a sharp voice cut through the chaos.

“That is quite enough of that,” it said, then Q himself swam into focus.“007, stand down.Everyone else on that side of the room and let me see what can be done.”He approached James, hands up in a sign of surrender.“You’d best not hurt me,” he continued.“I’ve no desire whatsoever to fight you.”

“Don’t need to hurt you,” James muttered.“Need to return the equipment.That one’s a traitor, he’s trying to give me a truth serum, and there’s one that’s going to poison me.Couldn’t leave the equipment in their hands.”He glared over at the assorted medical personnel.

“I assure you that no one is going to give you anything but antibiotics and painkillers,” Q said quietly.“But I’ll happily take the equipment and keep it safe for you.”

James squinted at him, considering what he was saying, then nodded.“As soon as you prove your identity.”He hugged the case to himself.

Q sighed.“And how might I do that?”

James’ brain seemed to come screeching to a halt, unable to parse the question properly with the waves of heat and cold and the cramping in his abdomen attacking him all at once.“I don’t know.”

Q came closer, keeping his hands up and his body language open.“I need you to tell me right now.You need medical treatment and I need the equipment.”

James nodded, that made sense, but nothing else did, nothing he could think of.He stared a moment, then reached out, grabbing one of Q’s wrists and pulling him in fast.Chaos erupted at the end of the room, but he ignored them and used Q’s momentum to pull him in.Q was tense, stiff in a way that he hadn’t been with any previous physical contact and James didn’t like it.He drew a hand through Q’s hair and kissed him.

It tasted like Q, though Q didn’t kiss back, just stayed stiff in James’ grasp.James didn’t like it at all and he kissed harder, even as people shouted around them.Q put his hand on James’ cheek and James relaxed, because there it was, the no he’d expected.He let Q draw back.

“That was absolutely disgusting,” Q said, a little coldly.“You taste of sick.Give me the equipment.”

James handed it over wordlessly **,** and Q snatched it up.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe Bond will cooperate now,” Q said, glaring at James.

James looked at them all suspiciously.

“Bond, stand down.You will allow yourself to be treated or I will lose the equipment myself and blame you.”

James relaxed into his bedding, nodding.The world swam a little and the medical personnel descended.Everything went blurry and soft and time moved differently.All told, he lost nearly a week and a half before things came back into focus.

 

It was easy to see that Q was furious with him as soon as he walked down into Q-Branch to apologize.Q glanced up, then went back to his work, shoulders stiff and overall posture rigid.James carefully set a tin of earl grey down on the corner of his desk, a sign of contrition obtained from a nearby tea shop.It was the only thing other than technology that James knew Q liked and he wanted to be sure that the man who was responsible for his life in the field didn’t hate him.

Q didn’t even look at it and James stood, waiting to be acknowledged.It took a solid ten minutes before Q so much as glanced at him again and when he did, it was with such ice that James didn’t know what to say.

“I wasn’t aware you had a mission,” Q said, then turned his attention back to the screen.

“Another three weeks’ medical leave,” James grumbled.“I don’t have any mission.”

“Then why are you here?”

James shifted his weight from one foot to the other, feeling like a child who’d been caught out by a headmaster.“I wanted to give you this,” he said, pushing the tin of tea closer.

“Please don’t,” Q responded.“Gifts will do nothing to help my reputation at present.”

James frowned.“Your reputation?”

“Keep your voice down,” Q hissed.“Yes, my reputation.You were delirious and recognized me by kissing me and that has sent the rumour mill into overdrive.I never should have kissed you in the first place.”

“I’ve kissed a large enough proportion of the women in this building that scarcely anyone has room to judge.”

Q stepped into his space furiously, prodding James in the chest with his pen.“I am not a woman,” he hissed, lip curled in rage.“And I have to maintain a certain level of propriety.I appreciate your efforts to bring your equipment home, but I would appreciate it if you kept your tongue to yourself, at least in the presence of others.”

“In my defense, I was delirious,” James responded, looking down at the pen with some level of concern.“I’m told that one of the orderlies required twelve stitches after I bit him.”

“I am aware.Believe it or not, I do know that this wasn’t entirely your fault, but I have come to the realization that we have been playing with fire.”

“You make it sound as though kissing me is like handling a live grenade in a fireworks factory.”

Q gave him a stern look.“For my reputation, it is.Believe it or not, being the youngest MI6 quartermaster in history makes people question both my judgement and my self-control.If you publicly humiliate me again, I will ensure that they never find any molecule of your corpse.”

“Does this mean I’m not to kiss you in the future?”

“It means precisely what I said it did.Now remove yourself from my presence before I use this pen to destroy your hideously overpriced shirt.”Q jabbed James harder, forcing him to step back.

“Is there some kind of acid in the pen?” James asked curiously.

“No, Bond, there’s ink.”Q turned back to his screens.“And remove that tea from my workstation.”

James left, but he didn’t take the tea. 

 

Recovering from septicaemia meant three weeks without any missions or anything to do.James drank far too much, fucked too many people, and generally made a public nuisance of himself.Which was how he ended up sitting angrily in a cell waiting for MI6 to send someone to get him.The brawl hadn’t, in fact, been his fault, but since he’d done the most damage, he was the one who’d been arrested and the one who had been forced to call for a ‘lawyer’ to come and take care of things to keep from ending up with a criminal record in his real name.

He wasn’t, of course, expecting that his ‘lawyer’ would be Q, nor that his ‘lawyer’ would negotiate him out of custody so quickly it made his poor, drunk brain swim.Q poured him into a cab, and James was shocked at how sturdy and steady Q was while he kept him from falling over.He really had imbibed just a bit more than was advisable.James was even more shocked when Q clambered in after him.

“Shove over,” Q said firmly.“It’s raining, and I hate the wet.”

“You like to hide you and your staff in damp tunnels and you hate the wet?”

“Dehumidifiers, Bond, for the sake of my… computers,” he said, with a significant glance at the cabby.He reeled off James’ address and then added that there would be a second destination from there.

“Not going to make sure I settle in nicely?” James asked with a lazy smile, his head lolling against the seat.He was rather a lot more drunk than he’d intended, and he thought perhaps combining the painkillers with the booze had been more of a mistake than usual.

“You’ve nursed yourself through worse,” Q responded.“You’re not in any real danger, even with the kidney and liver impairment from the infection.I’d recommend you abstain from alcohol for the remainder of your leave, but I doubt you would listen.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“I know.You’ve got a death wish.It’s all going to catch up to you one day.”

“The inevitability of time,” James said, chuckling.

Q looked a little startled, then turned it into a smile, though it seemed a little forced, perhaps nervous.Q lacked the necessary acting skills that field agents depended upon every day.“So you do pay attention to what I say.”

“Always.”

“Hmm…I do believe you’re lying to me,” Q responded. 

“Sometimes you don’t know everything.”

Q’s smile turned genuine.“That’s true, though if you let it get out at work, I’ll make sure no one ever believes a word you say again.”

James smiled back, taking in Q’s face.“What do you look like without your glasses?”

Q raised an eyebrow at the non sequitur.“I wouldn’t know.I can’t see without them, can I?”

“Oh surely you can see your own face in a mirror.”

Q shrugged.“Maybe I can, maybe I can’t.”

“You can’t possibly be that blind.”

“Why would I tell someone with your particular skillset the full extent of my physical capabilities?”

“You could just show me.”

Q’s smile changed somehow and the distance between them closed without James lifting his head.The kiss was soft, lingering, gentle, almost tender.James had been kissed many, many times, and this was the kind of kiss that someone used to say goodbye.James was having none of it and he tried to tug Q into his lap.

Q pulled back.“Seatbelt.”

“Take it off.”

“No.I make my living with my brain and I shan’t be risking it on London’s streets, thank you.”

James huffed and shuffled over closer to Q, going in for another kiss, then another, determined to kiss the goodbye right out of Q.He deepened it, making it something passionate, sensual.He wanted Q and maybe, just maybe, he’d get him.He had a plan of attack.They were headed for his flat and he’d get Q so excited on the way that Q wouldn’t back off this time.

The kissing turned open mouthed and desperate, going on for blocks and James slid one hand down Q’s side, towards his groin, only to be stopped by long fingers encircling his hand like a cuff. 

“No,” Q said.“You’ve been arrested for drunk and disorderly once tonight, we’re not adding public indecency to that.I’d like the opportunity to go home and sleep in my own bed for a change and, while picking you up made an excellent excuse to leave work, I will not be called out of my bed to sort you out a second time.”

“You could spend the night in mine.”

Q looked wistful, but shook his head.“No, I haven’t fed my cats yet.I have to go home.”

“Then take me to yours.”

“I don’t bring work home with me, Bond.”

“All work and no play…”

“Yes, Kubrick is a wonderful director.This is your stop,” Q said, as the cab slowed.He gave James one last lingering kiss, then leaned across him to open the car door.“I’ll see you at work.”

James took careful note of the direction the car left in.

 

Three attempts in the next week to drop things off at Q’s desk were thwarted by various emergencies that meant Q literally didn’t have the time to acknowledge James or the curry he brought by.It also meant that his attempts to hang around Q-Branch resulted in security escorting him out of the building and sending him home as apparently some of the technicians found James’ presence somewhat distracting.

James found himself deprived of what was rapidly becoming his favourite distraction and nothing else to do at all.It was startlingly easy to follow Q to his building when the crises were over, and James decided that he’d be having a conversation with Q about that.After, of course, he went out and got food and drink appropriate to present to a tired man after a long day and broke into his building. 

It took an hour or so to get the takeaway, liquor, and find the right flat.James had only had to knock on three doors to find out which was the right one.The security really was substandard. 

The fourth door had a bouncy pop tune playing behind it, something vaguely electronic.It wasn’t the kind of music he’d anticipated the quartermaster listening to since the only music allowed in Q-Branch was classical, and he thought that the other flats had directed him incorrectly.He knocked anyway.

It took a moment, but the volume went down on the music, a shadow flickered in front of the fish-eye, and the door opened a crack.Q was standing there in his pyjamas an enormous cat clutched in his arms and another trying to get past his feet.He glanced down at it and put his ankle in front of its nose, his face red from apparent exertion.“Is there an emergency?Are the lines of communication compromised?” he asked worriedly, shifting the cat’s weight to slide his glasses back up.

“No,” James responded, holding up the takeaway bag and a bottle of scotch.“I thought I’d come by and congratulate you on a job well done.”

The music started repeating the word bitch over and over as Q’s expression darkened.“You followed me home.”

“The security here is appalling.”

“For the building, perhaps, for my flat, no.My main security is that I blend in, thanks for the concern.You can’t follow me home.”

“But I did.So why don’t we have a nice evening?”

“Because we don’t do this.This crosses a line, 007.You don’t come to my house, we don’t date.This isn’t how this works.”Q was clearly upset and irritated and James couldn’t understand why.

“Why not?We have fun.”

“I don’t reward stalkers.It’s not romantic, sexy or at all attractive, despite the message given in films and books about teenage vampires,” he said frostily, clutching the cat hard enough to make it squeak a little in protest.“Sparkle elsewhere.”He closed the door in James’ face.

“Sparkle… elsewhere?” James echoed dully at the shut door as he heard the locks turn.


	2. We were(n't) talking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to my new beta, atypicalsnowman, without whom editing would be much, much more difficult.
> 
> Short chapter today, another tomorrow or the next day to make up for the shortness.

Q wasn’t speaking to him.It wasn’t a matter of not speaking to him except for necessity, it was a matter of assigning James’ equipment to one of his underlings and outsourcing his comms to them.James didn’t like it, and he didn’t know what he’d done that was so horrible that he was denied all access to his quartermaster.He needed Q, needed him in his ear, needed him in his life.He needed his warm skin under his hands when he returned to remind him that he had returned, had come back with enough of himself left to want something familiar.

Q had become James’ something familiar and Q didn’t want him, had never wanted him.It was throwing James off and every time one of Q’s technicians came on the line instead of Q himself, it settled into James’ stomach like a virus.Fortunately, it was a relatively easy mission, one to work him back into the rotation after severe illness, and being thrown off a little bit didn’t matter.Unfortunately, he didn’t know how to fix it, though an idea came to him on his way back, as he paced the airport and spotted a bookstore. 

“Excuse me,” he said to the girl at the counter.“I was hoping you might be able to help me pick out a book?”

“That’s my job,” the girl said tiredly.“Do you know a title or are we going by the colour of the cover?”

James admired her jadedness.“Actually, and this may be a tall order, I was wondering if you might be able to identify it by a couple clues as to its contents.An acquaintance of mine referenced it and I’d like to give it a read.”

She shrugged.“Give it a try, that’s better than ‘it’s blue and has a man on the front.’”

He nodded.“There’s a stalker, a vampire, and something about sparkling?”

She stared at him a moment, then burst out laughing delightedly.“And you don’t know what it is?”

“No, do you?”

“It’s Twilight!This is like finding a unicorn.Someone who’s never heard of Twilight!”

“Do you have it?” he asked, ignoring her outburst.

She nodded and led him over to a table and handed him a book with a black cover and a red apple.“Here.”

“You’re sure this is the one?”

“Oh yes.You’re in for a real treat,” she laughed.

He didn’t like the sound of this, but he paid his money.As it turned out, he didn’t like the book, either.It was a struggle to force his way through it.The writing was terrible, the subject matter worse and the characters weren’t engaging in the slightest.It had made his flight back to Heathrow seem impossibly longer than it actually was, but he’d forced himself to read every page.

He carried it under his arm as he strode into Q-Branch with his equipment.He swept past the work stations and into Q’s private office without seeing any sign of him whatsoever.It worried him.What if Q wasn’t there?What if James wasn’t going to be able to give him this terrible book and demand answers?What if Q was so done with him that he had gone somewhere else to avoid James coming back?

There was a mug of tea on the desk and there was steam coming up from it.He relaxed, slouching into the ‘guest’ chair to wait. He stacked his half- melted gun and his shattered mobile on top of the book and watched the door.Sure enough, Q came rushing back in, drying his hands on the front of his cardigan, and he froze in the doorway, teetering back and forth between coming in and going.Finally, though, he stepped through, shutting the door behind him.

James rose to his feet gracefully.

“R would be happy to accept your equipment,” Q said, glancing at his desk.

“I didn’t manage to bring all of it back,” James responded. 

“I thought as much when I heard you hadn’t been injured.”Q went around his desk, keeping it between him and James.He picked up the mobile, frowned at it, then looked at the gun.“How did you even manage that?”

James shrugged.“Misfired.”

“Oh it did not.There is no way for a misfire to result in a gun looking like that!”

“Well… I used the gun to set a fire and it happened to still be there when I went to double check that my target was down.”

Q shook his head, picking up the gun.“One of these days I’ll actually manage to build something you can’t destroy.”

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t put you out of a job like that,” James replied and though Q kept his face down, examining the gun, James could see the hint of a smile pulling his cheeks up. 

“I see.”Q picked up the book and looked at James properly, puzzled.“This wasn’t part of your equipment.”

“No, I picked it up in the airport.I thought you might like a new copy.”

“Of Twilight?”

“Yes.I read it.I must say, I didn’t particularly see the appeal.You have terrible taste in literature, but it was worth reading to understand what you were talking about at your flat.”

Q looked at James like he didn’t have any idea what he was talking about.“What, the stalking?I would have thought you’d understand that without reading what is objectively one of the worst novels ever to reach such widespread acclaim.”

“You don’t like it?” James asked, disappointed.He had hated the novel, but he’d put in all that effort.

“No, they’re terrible.I detest them.”

James nodded.“Right.Then when you compared me to Cullen and his… sparkle?”That had rankled when he’d realized exactly what Q had referred to.

“I was furious at you… I am furious at you.You were stalking me, Bond.I think I’ve made perfectly clear that I have boundaries and I will not tolerate you crossing them.I compared you to one of the most detestable men I could think of, a man who continuously ignores boundaries.”

“You never told me not to come by your home.”

“I never invited you.I never gave you my address, I never asked for you to show up unannounced.We’re not dating and we’re never going to have sex.”

James clenched one hand tightly in irritation.“And why not?You’re clearly attracted to me, I’m attracted to you.It could be fun.”

“For you, absolutely.But actions have consequences.”

“I can be discreet.Your people would never know.No one would.”James was pushing the issue, he knew it, but he wanted this like he’d wanted very few things in his life.

“We are surrounded by spies.You are a spy.I am, despite your beliefs about my work, actually a spy.Information is our currency and there are things you can never know, that no one can.”

“I’m hardly going to tell anyone if you have the words to a children’s song tattooed on your arse or a scar shaped like a bloody cock and balls.”

Q stared at him as if he didn’t know what to say.“Neither of those are actually things I would be concerned about, Bond,” he said finally.“I enjoy the kissing, provided that it stays private.It’s nice to have that with someone who won’t get attached, but I need it to be without attachments.There’s no future in it, no way in which it moves forward or goes further and if you can’t accept that, then it ends.”

“There’s no way I can convince you that, whatever it is, I don’t care?”

“Not that I can see,” Q said.

“You told me that you don’t know everything.”

Q sighed.“I don’t, but I don’t think you can change my mind.If you can do so without disrespecting boundaries, then I won’t stop you.I must admit, the idea of you trying is somewhat appealing.”

James smiled.“You have feelings for me.”

“Of course I do.I’m human, you’re human and we see one another regularly.Not having any kind of feelings towards you would indicate a psychological defect that would have precluded my employment here.”Q gave him a wicked smile.

“You’re a tease.”

“I’ve heard that before.I have rules and I do understand that most people find them difficult.”

“You’ve done this before?”

“No, not since before I started at MI6.I don’t date and I’ve chosen not to create intraoffice difficulties.”

“So you’re not angry with me anymore?”

“I never said that.I’m not one of your conquests.I’m not going to fold over and let you walk all over me.You’ll have to make it up to me.”

“Dinner?”

“No, we’re not dating.”

“Working lunch?”

“You can bring chips and fill out spreadsheets.”

James smiled.


	3. Chapter 3

 

James needed more data. Q was clearly hiding some terrific secret, something blackmail worthy, and the best way to get him to stop protecting it was to find it.In between lunch dates—working lunches, Q insisted, and made James spend nearly all of them answering what appeared to be quizzes on weapons efficacy—James developed a plan.He’d break into the paper files on MI6 personnel and learn more about Q.Even having a name would help but there was no way he’d even attempt to look it up digitally.He’d distract the young man who organized—guarded—the paper files, then go in and find Q’s files.

It went off without a hitch.Quick snog and a handjob had the young man needing to go clean up his pants and James very graciously offered to hold down his desk until he got back.As soon as the agent had disappeared around the corner, James ducked into the archives and hurried over to the section for branch heads.It wasn’t labelled clearly, but he’d done it before to find out M’s name and he drew open the drawer for the quartermaster.

There were, of course, the files for deceased quartermasters, all very sad really, in chronological order going all the way back to the first days of the SIS, the papers yellowed and brittle.Those weren’t the files he was interested in, though, with limited time to spend on the matter.He wanted the one settled right into the back of the drawer, hidden between fiscal year reports.The one labelled in his M’s precise, careful handwriting, the letters as non-descript as a teacher’s, the slant identical on every downstroke.

He ached seeing them and nearly walked away rather than deal with the way his heart suddenly seemed not to be pumping properly.He ripped out the file and flipped through, grimacing when he realized it must have slipped between the cracks when everything went to shit in MI6 just before the Skyfall incident.There were four files in it, people he supposed must have been being considered for the position at some point or who had at some point been in the line of succession.M must have set it aside and someone filed it away for her before she’d gotten a chance to put Q’s file together, because James didn’t think any of these people were Q.

There were no headshots, of course, that would have been dangerous in their line of work, just four CVs.Three were from women—one of those, he knew had been killed in Silva’s explosion—and one was from a man who was likely old enough to be Q’s father.He took down the name just in case the date had been misprinted in some way or Q was older than he looked, but it didn’t look promising.He glanced quickly through the surviving women’s CVs, but there was no indication whatsoever that something might have been misprinted. 

A quick stop off at the library to google the older man’s name confirmed a long and varied working history that could not easily have been altered or erased, along with photos that could absolutely not have been Q.M’s files were useless, and James had found a dead end.Short of going down to Medical and looking through their files—which would have been a terrible idea for other reasons—James had no idea how he might find any new information without Q finding out he was looking.He had the idea that Q might not like him looking, so he decided the next best thing would be to get a glance through Q’s desk drawers when Q was out of his office.He didn’t need much, just a small clue to help him down the right path.

Unfortunately, there weren’t any clues readily available when he got his chance.The drawers were a jumbled mess of small half-built or half-destroyed items, blueprints, bullet casings—with no bullets—paperwork and random things that ranged from a scattering of loose buckshot to what appeared to be a fridge magnet with a picture of Q’s cats—or cats like them—wearing a Doctor Who scarf to a loosely bundled collection of very small injection syringes to a jar of dead spiders.It was completely unhelpful as an intelligence gathering expedition, and James nearly got caught when Q came rushing back in to get something from his desk before dashing back out.

Overall, gaining insight into Q was a game of trial and error and the things that he was learning were so insignificant in the larger scheme of things that James was starting to think he’d never learn anything of substance.He only learned based on the working lunches.Q liked chips, liked them a lot, but didn’t like the smell of vinegar.He liked foods that could easily be eaten with fingers, but preferred to use a fork to avoid getting grease on his keyboard.He didn’t eat bread at work because of crumbs.He liked his drinks to be caffeinated, once stating that liquids were simply a vessel for caffeine.His cats were apparently named Lovelace and Turing, something Bond had learned since they were virtually the only subject that Q would deign to talk about that was entirely unrelated to work.

There was one final thing he knew, because it was made apparent to him at the beginning and end of each and every working lunch.Q really liked kissing.

 

James’ next four missions were brief, but back to back, leaving him so busy that he didn’t have so much as a spare moment to contemplate the situation with his quartermaster.They worked well together and James was glad that he didn’t have to trust his life to Q’s underlings in the brief moments that he had to breathe. 

It wasn’t until he was on his way back to England that he had a moment to consider the puzzle facing him, during yet another layover in yet another terrible American airport.He’d already been on a plane for hours and he needed to stretch his legs before the next leg of his journey, so he was pacing the long hallways of Chicago-O’Hare.At the very least, its Christmas displays were stunning.As he walked, he noticed a small commotion in one of the security areas visible at the sides of the hall.A young girl was protesting, something to do with the body scanners picking something up and the TSA workers wanting to pat her down.

He slowed, on alert, and eavesdropped.It rapidly became apparent that there was no threat, but the subject matter was interesting enough that he hung around anyway.The girl had a colostomy bag due to some kind of ailment and she didn’t want anyone groping it, but it showed as an anomaly on the screen.The TSA workers didn’t want to just accept her doctor’s note and they were at a bit of an impasse.It stopped being interesting once James knew the details and he wandered off, thinking about it.

Her embarrassment had been almost palpable.She’d been enforcing a boundary even in the face of what seemed to James to be rather major consequences—losing quite a lot of money she’d spent on her trip.She didn’t look old enough to have much money to spare, so her pride was worth quite a lot.James put that aside for further examination and went to his gate.

He considered things the entire flight as he travelled, and by the time he went to Q’s office to drop off the equipment he’d managed to hold onto through four missions—he’d only lost the backup earpiece during a firefight that had ended with him swimming through a canal—he had a plan of attack.He almost forgot it, though, drowsy as he was, once he was seated.Q’s office was comfortable and he wasn’t sure when that had happened.He was jolted from it by Q’s entrance. 

He stood as Q closed the door and then the distance between them. He was too tired to kiss Q the way he deserved, but not too tired to draw Q in close for the momentary connection.He drew back before Q could and stroked Q’s face gently.“I just wanted you to know, if you have some kind of medical appliance that you’re worried would show a weak spot, I’d never tell anyone.I depend on you too much in the field to risk anyone’s security that way.”

Q blinked at him, then shook his head, amused.“Even the quartermaster has to pass the basic fitness exam.I doubt I could, with a condition like that, but I do appreciate your dedication.Did you save your equipment?”He stepped away from James and headed over for the desk.

There was banter, though it blurred together for James through waves of exhaustion, then more kissing before they separated.James lingered perhaps a little too long, putting a little too much of his weight on Q before he stepped back. 

“All right?” Q asked.

“Tired, but fine,” James replied.

“Not injured?”

“Only a bruise where I had to break down a door.”

“I keep a cot in the third R&D lab, and we’re not using that one this week.Feel free.”

James smiled.“Come with me?”

Q rolled his eyes.“You’re too tired to even think of coming.Go take a nap.I’ll keep the area clear.I’ve got some fires to put out—literal ones in Lab One, more than likely—but I can manage that for you.Sleep well.”He gave James’ cheek an absentminded pat and then headed out.

 

He spent a lot more time in Q-Branch after that, because there wasn’t any reason to go home to his nearly-empty flat and its dubious charms.He had a bed in Q-Branch and that was good enough.He began trying to make himself somewhat useful between missions, fetching tea and food for Q’s people while they supported other agents in the field.He constantly hoped for new intel on Q, but most of what he got was a deeper understanding of how hard the quartermaster worked.It seemed as though the man was never still.There was always something to hold his attention and he seemed to keep longer hours than anyone else in his entire branch.

James’ respect for Q increased with every passing day, just as his fascination did.He started bringing back little souvenirs from his missions, when he could, though he quickly found that all the non-edible ones would be rejected.Q thought that accepting gifts was improper, but he enjoyed sweets too much to reject something he could make disappear in only a few moments.James enjoyed discovering how the various sweets from around the world tasted on Q’s lips.

He began reading more to track down the sources of references that Q tended to throw into his speech when he was relaxed or tired.He found himself working through stories by Tolkien, Poe, Stevenson, and Crichton.When there was downtime on missions, occasionally Q would find a little time to talk about something from one of the books that James had dropped on his desk after the previous mission.It was never long and it seemed to come in bursts, as if Q enjoyed it but was realizing he was crossing his own boundaries and drew back.Once, while they were both nearly asleep—James laying on a tatami mat in Japan, Q on the little cot in R&D—Q amused them both by describing all the ways that Jurassic Park wouldn’t have failed if he’d engineered their security and dinosaur containment systems.James withdrew after that mission, going off the radar for nearly six weeks and returning his equipment by courier, because it terrified him.

There were feelings, lurking in the shadows, tearing at James’ flesh.Q had made it clear that there could be no feelings and James didn’t want them.James spent those weeks travelling across the world and fucking anything on offer over and over until he physically couldn’t anymore and he’d burnt all the feelings to death.It seemed to work, so he reported back to Mallory—M—for a debrief and his disciplinary assessment.He didn’t even mind the way Q snubbed him for three hours after he went back to Q-Branch for his customary snog.

He lurked in wait in the quartermaster’s office until Q finally came in.

“Another week and we’d have declared you either compromised or dead,” he said, striding past James and going to rifle through his desk for something.

“I know.It’s why I came back when I did.”

“Fall in love with a beautiful woman again?” Q asked and James thought he detected a little anger there.

“For a night at a time, I fell in love with dozens of them.”

“There’s a difference between love and lust,” Q retorted, unwrapping a protein bar and pointedly not looking at him.

“I’ve always thought they went hand-in-hand.”James drifted towards Q.

“That explains a great deal about your poor decision making.”

“I needed a break.I took one.I’ve come back, refreshed.”

Q bit into his protein bar angrily.“I thought you were dead.”

“You know me better than that.What about the smart blood?”

“I can’t track it anymore.I purged it from the systems and destroyed the equipment after the mess with Denbigh.”Q looked so bitter as he spoke with his mouth full.“Do you have any idea how many man hours that wasted?I haven’t the budget for that kind of setback.”

“You can’t blame me for that.”

“You went swanning off after some old enemies and fucked off into the bloody alps with my tech in your system!Of course it’s your fault.”

“MI6 would have fallen—“

“And I’d have been running bloody tech support for MI5.You think I don’t know that?”

“Then why are you angry at me?”

“Because it’s always bloody you that causes this shit for me.You know I haven’t had equipment stolen by any other agent, regular or double-oh?You’re the only one that pulls that.You’re the only one that gets away with completely disappearing like this.M made you think you were special and then she had everyone in the bloody Service pamper you and let you think you could get away with this and you can’t.You can’t keep doing this.It’s not fair!”

“Don’t you throw her in my face,” James said, forcibly bland.“She had her reasons for everything she did and she always made the right choices in the end.”

“Be that as it may, the rest of us have to live with the consequences.”

James looked at him, taking in Q’s haggard expression, the smears on his glasses and the matted spot in his hair.“When was the last time you slept?”

“About two days ago, since I thought you were kidnapped without having been debriefed.”

“Did Mallory assign you this?”

Q pressed his lips together like an angry frog.“No, he called off the search nearly a month ago.I wanted to be sure you weren’t a security risk before I gave up on finding your corpse.”

James sighed.“I’m… sorry.I didn’t think you’d be so worried.”

“Did it hurt?” Q asked with feigned casual curiosity.

James frowned.“Did what hurt?”

“Apologizing.”

“No, why?”

“Because I thought you were allergic to apologies, the way you just do whatever you want and trample on everyone else’s needs.”

“You don’t need me.You’ve got an entire branch and most of the service at your beck and call.”

Fury flashed across Q’s face.“You don’t know the first thing about me!About anything!You’re an idiot!”

James put a gentle hand on Q’s shoulder, feeling awkward.This wasn’t about the service, then.It was about Q.Perhaps Q had been abandoned by someone in the past or lost someone and it was making him clingy. It might be important information to use in the seduction, since Q had made it clear he didn’t actually have feelings for James.“Q.I’m alive.I sent back the equipment.I was always going to come back.I’ll… Well, I suppose I’ll come back in the end.I always have, after all, no matter how thoroughly I might have intended to leave.”

“Then stop going in the first place.Stop leaving the entire service wondering if you’ve finally gone rogue, if you’re finally going to destroy every last one of us.Let us get a fucking night’s sleep, would you?”

James carefully removed the remains of the protein bar from Q’s hand.“All right.Next time, I promise to file my leave paperwork like a good agent.”

“That’s all I’m asking!”

“Then you’ll get it.”

“What, as if it’s that easy, you’ll suddenly do as you’re meant to?”

James considered it, then shrugged.“I suppose I’ve been too distant from the rest of the service for too long.Since we started working together more closely, I suppose I can see the consequences of my actions better.”

“Well… good!”

James leaned in for the kiss and was actually a little surprised when Q rushed in to close the distance between them.Q’s hand clenched the front of James’ shirt and he actually trembled as they kissed.The kiss was deeper than any before, more passionate and James thought perhaps anger would be the catalyst to finally seduce Q.He pulled him in tightly, pressing his body against Q’s and letting him feel James’ body respond to proximity and the promise of more.James couldn’t detect Q’s response but he was ripped from thoughts of that when Q stepped back, his firm hand going to James’ shoulder as it always did. 

“I am going to go sleep.Then shower.Then go home.I’ll see you later.”Q snatched the protein bar from James’ hand, then stumbled out abruptly.

James decided to attribute Q’s emotional state to a lack of sleep and food and spent the next week ingratiating himself to the branch again.

 

Q brushed off James’ every advance for the next two missions.There wasn’t so much as a kiss, not a working lunch, no lingering words on the comms, nothing.It wasn’t like when he’d cut James off entirely.He still ran James’ missions, gave him his equipment directly.He just wouldn’t participate in anything extracurricular.James was frustrated.He’d set himself back so badly and he didn’t know what to do to fix it. 

It made him work harder, though, to crawl back into Q’s good graces.He brought back every piece of equipment.He worked hard to keep himself as uninjured as possible.Most importantly, and possibly the thing that was responsible for him managing to accomplish the first two, he made a very careful point of listening to every single thing that Q said over the comms.Q was, shockingly, better at directing him than James had expected and he wondered if he should make something of a habit of listening to him even after he finally managed to bed Q.

Somewhere between the second and third mission, Q began allowing the working lunches again—though the quizzes were increasingly ridiculous and James was beginning to wonder how they could possibly be relevant.On the eve of the third mission he stepped into Q’s office to receive his equipment.He had hope, a plan and a gift for Q in his pocket, fresh from his pre-mission trip to Medical.

He moved in for the kiss after receiving the equipment and was gratified when Q didn’t dodge him as he had the last time.He kissed Q with heat, trying to match the depth and passion of the kiss that had come with their reunion.He let his body respond in full, breathing speeding, heart pounding, cock stiffening against Q.Again, Q’s body didn’t respond and Q put his hand on James’ shoulder to step away.

James whet his lips with his tongue as he stepped back and pulled his gift out of his pocket.“I think I’ve figured it out, and it’s all right.You don’t need to be embarrassed, lots of men have this problem.Look, medical even issues me a ration for when I do.”He handed over the bottle, with his name on and a handful of little blue pills inside.“You can take one of those.No one will ever know and we can have a good evening.It would be the pot calling the kettle black for me to tell anyone.I’ve needed them often enough on missions.”

Q examined the bottle bemusedly, then stared flatly at him.“I think you should leave.”

“It’s all right.Really.”

“You need to go.Now.”Q started herding him out, an odd expression on his face.

James tried to protest, but the sheer force of Q’s will made him move almost on autopilot and he found the bottle pressed back into his hand.“But I—“

“I’ll speak to you once you land,” Q said, then shut the door forcefully.

Before he walked away, James could almost swear he heard Q laughing hysterically.


	4. Never Glimpse the Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your reviews so far. I look forward to more feedback, as ever.

James got shot in the leg for sleeping with a terrorist’s wife on that mission and spent nearly a week in a hospital in Nigeria trying not to lose every bit of blood in his system through a hole that didn’t seem to want to clot properly and kept oozing and causing trouble.He spent a lot of time sleeping and barely noticed days passing as they poured bag after bag of blood into him.

Finally, there was a scramble and Eve showed up with a syringe of something that made his veins feel like they were on fire, that made him arch up off the bed and scream, but she shoved something into his ear and a calm voice came down the line.

“I know this hurts, but we were running out of time to come up with a better antidote.You’ve been poisoned.It won’t let you clot properly.Once the pain goes, you’ll be all right and Eve will accompany you home.”

It didn’t stop him from screaming or make the pain less, but Q’s voice brought him some kind of comfort and he let it wash over him.

“It shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes for the worst of the pain to pass, though you’ll have residual pain for up to twelve hours afterwards, possibly.We didn’t exactly get the chance to test all the side effects in full.You’ll be on a plane home this time tomorrow, though.You’d best not cause any trouble in Medical, because I have budget meetings this week and I don’t have time to sort you out if you decide to do your best impression of a lion on the poor orderlies again.”Q went on in that vein, alternately giving James itineraries and scolding him mildly.It seemed like he went on for hours as the pain started to subside and James managed to go from rigid agony to writhing in it.

Q never stopped talking, not until the pain had subsided enough to let James pass out, exhausted.He wasn’t there when James woke, but he was the next time.The pain came back periodically, but by the next day, James was able to convince them to send him home via medical transport.Thanks to some incredible turbulence, it was an amazingly agonizing trip and he found himself sedated until he woke up in MI6.

Waking up in a strange place never worked well for him and, after his last disoriented stay, he woke up in full restraints, which didn’t exactly help either.He ended up sedated several times in quick succession or possibly a handful of times stretching out over a couple of days.He wasn’t sure how long.Waking up was made even more disorienting because full restraints for an MI6 field agent meant cuffs, a belt and a heavy, if soft, collar to keep them from dislocating arms, shoulders, wrists or other joints to get free.This had the added effect of making him look directly at a very nondescript white ceiling, which made him shout and struggle and panic, which made them sedate him.

It wasn’t his best hour/day/week and it wasn’t until he woke up to some sort of mobile dangling above his bed with a variety of pieces of tech he’d seen during his last few missions that he realized where he was long enough to calm himself.There was no one in the room to tell him, but he knew he was in MI6 and that he was safe.No one but Q would even have most of that tech intact, let alone be able to fashion it into a precariously balanced mobile that spun lazily with the air currents of the room.

There was something elegant about it and he lay there watching, the slow, spiralling movements occupying his sedative-addled mind.He traced the arcs of the Walther, the circling of the radio and let his mind drift, relieved not to wake up into a typhoon of adrenaline.Gradually, he let himself take stock of his body—there didn’t seem to be much pain, which was probably a good sign—and finally pressed the button someone had rested by his hand.

 

It ended up being almost three days before he was allowed to take down the mobile and hobble down to Q-Branch with a cane.He was seething about the cane, but it gave him a good excuse to go straight to Q’s office and sit in the chair there, basking in the haze of really good painkillers.

Q visibly startled when he finally came in.He looked, James thought, like he was on the edge of some kind of exhausted hysteria.“I thought you’d been sent home.”

James pointed at Q’s desk.“Needed to return my equipment.I’m not sure how I feel about being treated like an infant.”

Q blinked, then reddened a little.“You were becoming something of a danger to the staff and yourself.It was the only thing I could think of that you would know instantly and that might draw your attention.No one could be spared to sit and call out your name at intervals.”

“An earpiece would have sufficed.”

“Tried that.You managed to get it out on your pillow and bite it.”

“I don’t actually remember that,” James said, frowning.

“No, you wouldn’t.They were trying a very gradual weaning from the sedation with some different drugs and you responded poorly.That’s when they called me in on the matter.”

“And you cared enough to build me a mobile?” James teased.

“It took me less than five minutes to throw it together.I have an excellent sense of design balance.”

“You’re exceedingly well balanced,” James said.

Q rolled his eyes.“Terrible line, old man.”He moved closer, his steps hesitant.

James shrugged up at him, smiling impishly.“Like you can do better.”

There was a moment when James thought Q might move away or stop his approach, an instant where he seemed to stall out, and then he straddled James’ lap so very carefully, managing to put no weight at all on James’ wound.“I always thought I was more a man of action than a man of cheap lines.”His face went a little more pink as he leaned in, whispering the last words against James’ lips before kissing him deeply.

James put his hands on Q’s waist, his fingers twisting in Q’s cardigan as he kissed back.Everything shifted back into alignment, into focus and the world made sense again as he revelled in the scent, taste and feel of his quartermaster.It was like coming home and that terrified him.The feelings wouldn’t go and stay away, so the only thing left to try and chase them away was to finally bed Q.With that in mind, he pulled Q in closer, tugging on his arse to try and slide him in. 

Q froze, then drew back.“Your leg.”

“Doesn’t hurt.They gave me lots of painkillers.Come here.”James tried to pull him back in.

“Bond, we can’t.”Q shifted his weight, about to get up.

James reached out and ran his fingers through Q’s hair.“I know I’m a lot to measure up to, but I don’t care if you’re small down there or what it is you’re afraid of, I’ll be fine with it.”

Q lurched away and stumbled to his feet, his movements agitated.“I can’t believe you just said that.”

“I keep telling you.It doesn’t matter.I’m more than capable of keeping my counsel, and I want you.”

“You’re stoned.You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I know exactly what I want.I’ve wanted the same thing for… it’s going on a year now, Q.I want you.”

Q tore a hand through his hair, pacing.“You really don’t know what you’re even asking for.”

“Only because you won’t tell me.I don’t care if there’s something wrong with you, if there’s something you’re ashamed of.I’m not going to tell anyone, but I promise you, I will make you feel so good that you forget.And if you won’t tell me, I’ll keep looking until I find it and you don’t have to keep it secret any longer.”

“You’re an intrusive bastard, has anyone ever told you that?” Q half-snarled.

“I’m pretty sure my entire career is based upon me being one.”

“You can’t carry that over into your personal life, it doesn’t work that way!”

“We don’t _have_ a personal life.We have a distinctly unsatisfying series of near-sexual dalliances that you keep putting the brakes on.”

“Exactly.We don’t have a relationship, so there’s nothing to tell you, no reason to give you leverage.”

“I wouldn’t use whatever it is for leverage.”

“I’ve met you!I’ve seen your file!”

James pulled himself to his feet.“I’m more than just my file,” he said coldly.

Q clenched his jaw, unexpected pain or perhaps sympathy—not pity, though, James was sure Q had no pity for him—flashing behind his eyes.“No, I suppose you are.”

“I’m not going to blackmail you over something that could actually hurt you.”

“No, but you might over something you don’t understand or think might hurt me.You’re asking me to risk everything I’ve built for what, a one night stand with a man that fancies himself the world’s greatest lover?”Q had gone defensive and sarcastic again, his tone biting.

“You owe it to me, unless you think world’s greatest cock tease is some sort of lifetime achievement award.”

“I don’t owe you shit,” Q snarled.“I should toss you out of this office and report you for sexual harassment for that statement!”

“Then why haven’t you?How many dozens of times have you stood here or sat here and given just as good as you’ve got?You want to take the risk.It’s not even about owing me, it’s about you being sick of carrying whatever it is you’re hiding.You want me to figure it out.”

Q’s snarl faded and he seemed to deflate a little.“I assure you, Bond, that’s the furthest from what I want.But in a way, I suppose, you’re right.I don’t, in fact, owe you sex.”He added a warning note to his tone.“I do, possibly, owe you an explanation for having played with your feelings the way I have.It was unfair and you’re absolutely right about that.”

“Then tell me, or are you one of the ones that believes double-ohs don’t actually have feelings?”

Q flinched and James’ heart sank a little.“Not here,” Q said quietly.“Come by mine, tomorrow night around 6.Bring wine.”

James raised an eyebrow.

“I hate buying wine, I never know what’s good and I’m going to need some if we’re going to discuss this like adults,” Q said, irritably.“So I’ll trade you: wine, for a secret.Now, I have work to do.”

James nodded and headed for the door.Halfway out, he turned back.“Red or white?”

“Whatever you like.Go.”

 

Q had evidently been waiting when James arrived, promptly at six.He opened the door before James had even finished knocking.“Uh, hi.Come in.”

James did, taking note of the flat as Q took the wine and rushed off to the kitchen with it.He leaned his cane up against the wall—white—and hobbled towards the couch—an awful shade of lime green.The cats were nowhere to be seen, though evidence of their existence littered the small flat in the form of little bits of fluff in the corners, tiny mouse toys in random locations, a basket with what looked like a hair-covered sheepskin in it and a bookshelf covered in toys, food bowls and some kind of twine that appeared to be devoted to their sole use.It sat next to a series of bookshelves that were crammed full to bursting—the shelves were actually sagging and the books appeared to be placed two deep with more books on top.A lot of it looked like technical manuals, though there were definitely novels that he recognized.The coffee table was covered in mail—James detected no fewer than eight different names, none of them starting with a Q—and other scraps of paper, even a few napkins with diagrams scribbled on. 

Aside from the fact that the flat didn’t have nearly as much technology visible as James had expected, it was very near to what he would have guessed Q’s flat looked like.It didn’t appear to be hiding any dark secrets, just a slightly messy, very overworked bachelor.

Q came back in with two glasses of wine.One had a lip print on and James suspected that Q had knocked back a glass before bringing it out.There was a slightly flushed quality to Q’s face that made James wonder if Q had steeled himself with other liquor before James’ arrival.

“The cats won’t be joining us tonight?” James asked.

Q shrugged as he sat down next to James and handed him a glass of wine.“They have poor timing and I’d prefer for them not to be underfoot.They’re quite happy in my office for a little while.”

“Something I have in common with them, then.”James took a sip of wine.

“I’d hardly let you into my home office.”

“It can’t possibly be more classified than your work one.”

Q laughed.“No, just more dangerous.Everything’s set not to hurt the cats, but I did need a security system, so anything larger that’s not me… well… I don’t much fancy explaining to M why one of his best agents is in pieces on my hallway floor, so you’d best not go exploring.”

“Noted.”James watched Q swallow some wine, enjoying the lines of his throat, the way it moved when he swallowed.“Did I select something to your liking?”

“It’s pretty all right.I’m not exactly a connoisseur, but it tastes pretty good.”He licked away a drop of red from his upper lip and looked over at James.

The moment drew out between them and James leaned forward, simultaneously placing his wine glass on the coffee table and pressing his lips to Q’s.Q melted into him and James could definitely taste more than just wine, a note of something harsher in his mouth.Q wasn’t so drunk that his coordination was off or that his responses seemed slowed at all—especially not with Q practically crawling into James’ lap as they kissed—but he’d definitely had a drink or two before James arrived.

The kissing went on and on, Q actually ending up in James’ lap and James gasping into it, his cock hard and straining against his trousers.He wanted Q.They had privacy.Maybe, he hoped, Q wasn’t going to use words to explain, he was just finally going to show James.James pulled Q in against him to let him feel his hard-on, a little disappointed to feel Q limp in his own trousers.As he reached towards Q’s crotch to offer encouragement, Q’s hand pressed against James’ shoulder in its familiar insistence and James paused, drawing back to see if Q would flee.

He sighed, a little disappointed, as Q pulled away.Instead of crawling back to sit next to James, however, Q slid to his knees between James’ legs and, seeming frantic, pulled James free of trousers and pants.James could barely believe it, the whole thing seeming unreal until the moment Q began swallowing him down, his lips and one hand taking care of James in an inexpert but still glorious way.

It seemed, as sex often did, to simultaneously speed up and slow down the passage of time, James’ mind stalling out then rushing forward.His world narrowed to the slide of Q’s hand—a little too dry to be entirely pleasurable but deliciously enthusiastic—and the sweet, wet suction of his mouth and his mind flew through every idea he’d had so far about Q, every clue, building diagrams and casting them aside so quickly they might never have existed at all.He noted, with a certain detached pride, that Q’s hand appeared to be working between his own legs and he let himself drift on the high of enthusiastic, if frantic, sex. 

It all shimmered out of focus in a moment where everything fell away to the sound of Q crying out softly and the cool air hitting him in a sweet, wonderful contrast.It faded back into reality to the image of Q’s startled eyes blinking up at him from behind semen-spattered glasses.James laughed lightly and pulled them off Q’s face to wipe them on his own shirt, replacing them again quickly.“That was glorious.”

Q blinked again, a few times in rather quick succession, then his face contorted.He looked down to fasten his own trousers and got to his feet irritably.“That was a mistake,” he said, shaking his head.

James frowned and tucked himself away gingerly.“No, it was wonderful.Come here and let me reciprocate.”

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I don’t recall forcing you,” James said, unable to keep the chill out of his voice.“In fact, I seem to remember letting you go and you choosing to do that.”

“I never said I didn’t want to.I said I shouldn’t have.”

“If you wanted to, then you absolutely should have,” James said.“It’s been on offer for months.”

“It’s a nice fantasy, but I shouldn’t have taken you up on it!”

“What is?”

“This.Us.I can’t have that.”

“And why the hell not?”

Q tore his hand through his hair and started pacing, his movements fast and obviously self-soothing.“Because there are certain things I can’t allow myself.”

“And what, I’m one of them?”

“Not just you.The whole idea of this, of a relationship.It’s not in the cards for me.”

James leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and watching Q move.“Tell me why.It’s what you brought me here for, isn’t it?”

“Just shut up and sit still a moment.It’s not so simple as all that.I thought the liquor would help, dammit, but all it’s done is slow down my brain.”

“It’s a depressant,” James said.

“I have the equivalent of a doctorate in chemistry, Bond, I know that,” Q said, pausing to give James a sarcastic look before going back to his pacing.“It also lowers inhibitions and telling you, or anyone, about myself is certainly a rather large inhibition of mine.”

“You’re good with words, just tell me.”

“I said shut up!I need to think!”Q took off his glasses and pressed his hand to his eyes as he paced. 

James bit his tongue against the multitudes of things he wanted to say, clenching his fists to stay quiet.He was more than a little fed up with this whole debacle.He watched Q stride around and noted that Q didn’t bump into anything or show any hesitancy in his steps.He’d done this before or else he spent a lot of time moving around the flat without watching where he was going, enough time that even abrupt turns didn’t throw him off.

Finally, he turned to James, putting his glasses on and fixing him with a stare.“I want you to know that, should you reveal what I am about to tell you to anyone, even M, I will ensure that you are injured in a way that means a long, painful recovery, an even longer and more painful life, and a cheerful and forcible retirement to a desk job for the rest of your days.Is that perfectly clear or should I use smaller words?”

James was shocked to realize, with that jibe, that Q hadn’t actually called James stupid in months, not properly, not in that biting tone.“I think I know how to keep a secret.It _is_ my job, after all.”

“I am aware.Now is what I just said clear?”

“Yes, of course, now tell me what’s so horrible.”

Q blew out a long breath and there was something of cringing about his posture.“I’m transgender.”

James almost laughed, but managed not to, just in time.“Is that all?”

“If this is funny to you, you can walk out that door right now and find yourself a new job,” Q snapped. 

“It’s just not such a serious problem as you’re making it out to be.”

“Oh, don’t you _dare_ tell me what is or isn’t a problem.Don’t you _dare._ ”

“I’ve had sex with female marks that used to be men, it doesn’t bother me,” James said with a shrug. 

“With marks!People you were planning to destroy or get something from!”Q pulled his hand through his hair angrily.“And you think of them as men!”

“I never said that.”

“Yes you did!”

“You’re overreacting.I never said that.I said they used to be men, there’s a difference.”

“They were never men.”

“Fine, they used to have cocks, then, however you want me to say it.I don’t know what wording to use to discuss it, my point remains the same.It doesn’t bother me at all.Tell me what you like and I’ll make it so you enjoy it.”

“And my point is that it’s not that simple, Bond!Telling you is bad enough.It’s going to change how you see me, how you treat me—“

“Why the hell would it do that?” James interjected.

“—And you seeing, viewing the reality of it for yourself, that would make it worse!”

“But this doesn’t change anything.It doesn’t change anything at all.You build me cars and exploding watches and you save my arse when I’m in the field.If you want me to treat you like a woman in bed, we can arrange that, but it—“

“What?”Q stared at him in abject horror.“Why on earth would I want that?”

“You just told me you wanted that,” James said, baffled.“Didn’t you?You said you were transgender.”

“I’m not sure if I should be flattered or insulted.You… you do realize it goes both ways, right?”

“What does?”

“I’m a man, Bond, I don’t want to be a woman, I’ve never wanted to be a woman.I’m…Let me put it this way.When I was born, my parents gave me a girls’ name.When I joined MI6, I got rid of that forever and M helped bury any evidence it had ever been the case.”

James’ brain processed that a moment and he tiltedhis head to the side slightly.“So you’re telling me you used to have a cunt?”

“Do you have any idea how insulting you’re being?Because that is… you know what, forget it.I don’t have the time and energy to educate you on basic manners.Yes, I am saying I was born with the standard configuration of ovaries, uterus, vagina and vulva that half the population has.”

“All right.I never would have guessed that.”He wondered how he ever could have, what it would have taken to sort out that Q’s body wasn’t naturally male.There had been no hints that he could think of.He couldn’t come up with any differences he’d felt in Q any of the times he’d touched him.He couldn’t see anything feminine about his face.

Q huffed.“Yes, I can tell.”

“So did the surgery not work, your cock doesn’t work properly?Is that the problem here?”It was that or whatever had gone wrong actively hurt Q during sex.

Q covered his face, glasses and all, and let out a horrible laugh-sob.“There are other concerns here!”

“Not for me.I can’t tell anyone about any of this, so the only remaining aspect I’m worried about is the mechanics of sex.”

“Well, as that’s something we’re not going to have, it’s irrelevant.”

“I know your secret now, it won’t bother me, let’s get this out of our systems and move on with life.”

“I told you, seeing is different from just hearing it.It will change everything and I don’t want that.”

“What would it actually change?”

“You’ll treat me differently.”

“I don’t see why.”James leaned back on the couch, shrugging.“It doesn’t make a difference outside of the bedroom.”

“It will.I know it will.I have worked so hard to make sure that I am judged on the work I’ve done and the quality of my mind and I will not lose that simply because someone is judging me based on the contents of my pants!”

“I wouldn’t.”

“You will.You won’t mean to, but you will and it’ll fuck everything up for me.It might be a stupid joke when you’re riding a combination of drugs, alcohol and adrenaline, but it will make people see me differently and I’ll know you see me differently and everything will be ruined.”

James shot Q an irritated look.“What will?I don’t understand what’s so fragile that me having just one piece of knowledge about your past changes everything.”

“Because if it gets out, I won’t be the youngest quartermaster in MI6 history anymore, I’ll be the first transgender one!I’ll have to field the stupid questions about what’s in my pants.I’ll have to waste precious time tiptoeing around other people’s feelings about me and I don’t have the energy or the inclination for education and etiquette lessons.M understood this and she wanted me able to use my abilities, not focus on other people’s comfort levels.”

“Then why do this?Why spend a year kissing me and jerking me around like a dog on a leash and tell me all this if it comes with such dire consequences?”

Q swallowed and James saw his shoulders draw up as if he was steeling himself, straightening his spine.“Because I fucked up.I let myself pretend that sex wasn’t completely off the table for me.I let myself play with a fantasy because I thought you couldn’t get attached.”

It felt a bit like a slap to the face.“Couldn’t?Why, because I kill for a living, kill at your beck and call?”

“No, because your psych profile says this is what you do, this is what you’ve done since Vesper and—“

“You’re a cruel man, Q, but at least do me the basic courtesy of not throwing my dead lover in my face,” James snarled, lurching to his feet.His injured leg took the brunt of it and, for a split second, he thought he’d fall.

“You asked why!”

“I didn’t ask you to attack me.You could just have easily avoided her and brought up Madeleine—“

“Madeleine Swann, the woman for whom you retired the second time and came crawling back to MI6 within six weeks, desperate for someone to kill?Yes, I know all about her.I know all about all of them, every one that’s made it into your files and you were safe.You were supposed to kiss me once, maybe a couple more times, then lose interest in me and it would be over.”

“Yes, because that makes sense.You kissed me just as often as I kissed you.You built me things.You looked after me.”

“It is my _job_ to build you things and look after you.”

“No one has ever put as much effort into it as you have.”

“M did.”

James took a moment to try to figure out where to even begin to respond to that and it was apparently a moment too long, his stomach roiling, because Q launched into another diatribe.

“M made sure you had everything you needed.She made sure you had me.She made sure I could do my job, unhindered.Don’t you tell me that doing my job is a sign I’m in love with you, because it’s not.”

“That doesn’t take away the fact that you kissed me just as often,” James snapped, not wanting to examine his relationship with M anymore than his relationship with Vesper. 

“I got greedy.I liked the idea that I could have a relationship, even though I knew I couldn’t.I got sucked in by the fantasy of having you, of having someone, anyone and it was a mistake.I made a mistake because I thought you were safe and you weren’t.You kept coming back!”

“I thought you wanted me.”James felt oddly hollow at the idea that Q didn’t.

“I did!”

“You invited me to keep trying.I would have quit when you told me but you told me I didn’t have to.”

“I led you on.It was unfair of me.I’m sorry.”

“I’m not just something for you to play with and put away when you think you’re done.”

“No, you’re not.”Q looked tired and he sank into a chair by the little kitchen table in the corner of the living space.“If I could have this, I think I’d enjoy having it with you, but I can’t.”

“Why, because you know my track record with relationships?”

“Because my life is perfect and this is the price I pay.If I have relationships, I increase my risk of being found out.”

James actually felt sorry for the poor idiotic child.“Then how can you say your life is perfect?”

“I have everything I have ever wanted.”

“Except a human connection,” James said, without acid or heat.

“Don’t you pity me,” Q snapped.“I know exactly what I’m doing.I knew when I did it.I gave up one tiny thing and I gained so much.I got the freedom to be who I am, I got direction, a job I love more than anything in the world.I have a home of my own, the respect of my peers and the chance to exercise my mind.Do you have any idea how lucky I am?”

“The cost doesn’t sound like luck.It sounds like you’ve paid for it with your soul, and I’d know all about that.”

“I got freedom, Bond.Freedom is worth any cost.”

“Not this one.”

Q set his jaw and glared at James, furious.“I was twenty four years old when I told my parents what I was, when I told them I wanted to murder their daughter—“

“That’s a bit dramatic, isn’t it?”

“Not to them it wasn’t.My parents are religious, the type of religious you usually only hear about in news reports from America.As far as they’re concerned, when I told my mother that I was finished with her swapping out my clothes for the kinds that might find a good young woman a husband, I murdered their daughter.I’m not Q, to them, they’ve never met Q, they’ve only seen a momentary glimpse of the man who murdered their little girl, as they threw me out into the streets.And it was worth it.Because I was finally free and that was the only thing that mattered.So don’t tell me I don’t know about cost, don’t pretend that making a single sacrifice is like tossing away your soul, because I know what cost is, I know what I’ve paid and what I will keep paying and I am perfectly all right with the price of my freedom.”

“They didn’t actually toss you out, did they?”

“Oh, they did.Without so much as a damn coat.”

“Then they were idiots.”

“Yes, they were.They thought I’d get cold and come in and beg forgiveness.Instead I went to an internet café and hacked MI6 to give M my CV.It worked and here I am.”

“That doesn’t mean you can never have sex.”

“I told you.Seeing it would make it more real to you and it would change things.”

“So what if it did?This is no way to live.”

“It’s what I’ve chosen.We all make choices, we all make sacrifices and I’m happy with mine.”

“If you were happy, you wouldn’t have kissed me.”

“Being happy doesn’t mean that you never wonder ‘what if?’It doesn’t mean that there’s nothing you want for.”

James shook his head sadly and headed for his cane.“But you don’t actually want to be happy.You want to be safe.You can have safe or you can have happy, Q.You can’t have both because that’s not how this life works.You have one more thing that might actually make you happy sitting on offer and you’re too afraid to take it.That’s not happy, that’s just sad.”

“You have no right to accuse me of cowardice,” Q snarled, following along behind him.

James put his hand on his cane and turned.“I know my own,” he said, the words falling out before he could stop them.They echoed in his head, even as Q screeched to a halt.He gripped his cane more tightly and hurried to the door.“Good night, Q.I’ll see you at work,” he said on his way out.


	5. No One Else Can Make You Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Drugs and alcohol abuse

James woke up on the floor for the third time and he couldn’t reach any more alcohol to drown out the throbbing pain in his leg.The damage they’d done to the muscle when they shot him was making itself known now that the painkillers were out of his system and he couldn’t reach those, either.He took stock of the situation, trying to figure out how he was going to get out of this.

He had two major obstacles.Obstacle one, he’d fallen at some point he couldn’t remember, but definitely more than two days after leaving Q’s, and he couldn’t get a grip on anything to leverage himself up.He really needed furniture in his flat, but he’d been forced to throw away his couch after he’d bled on it a little too copiously and hadn’t got round to replacing it.His bed was behind a locked door and he couldn’t reach the keys to get into it.If his leg hadn’t hurt so badly, he would have been able to fight through it, but, without any painkillers in his system, it was bad enough it made his vision swim and grey out when he tried.

Obstacle two was that the painkillers were out of reach and the alcohol he’d been able to reach had left him too uncoordinated to actually get up once he’d had enough he wasn’t feeling much pain.It was the most insurmountable of the obstacles, because that was really what he needed.To get up off the floor. 

His assets were limited, given the state of his furniture and the fact that his fridge appeared to have vapour locked so he couldn’t get it open without leverage and he couldn’t get leverage from the floor so he couldn’t even use the door to haul himself up.He didn’t have any food or drink that he could reach and he was fairly sure he’d been on the floor at least twenty four hours, though time was a little hazy thanks to the handful of pills he’d taken before he’d started drinking in the first place.

He did, however, have his phone, with its limited number of contacts.Two numbers in it were probably reassigned, their owners long since dead.One would have called a woman who would immediately hang up on him and was too far away to be of use.One would call his current employer and that just wasn’t to be done.Another would get him through to Bill Tanner and while Tanner was a nice enough bloke, he’d definitely tell Mallory and James would end up with psych involved, not just the physiotherapy division.That left just two numbers that he could consider leaning on and there was no way he was calling Q, so really, there was one.After twenty minutes’ deliberation and three more attempts to get to his feet, James finally dialled it.

He had to call three times before anyone picked up and the voice was irritated, sleep-rough.

“You had best be on the verge of death if you’re waking me up at 3:30 in the morning,” Moneypenny said.“I only got home from work at half one.”

“Well, I suppose I could wait until I was actually on the verge of death.I can go about four days without water after consuming two bottles of scotch, so would you rather I reschedule for then?” James asked.

“You’re drunk dialling me?” 

“No, actually, I’m very unfortunately sober.If you’d like to just come and throw some liquor through my front door, that would be a help.”

“Get your own.”

“I’d call for it to be delivered, but I can’t reach the locks on my door.”

That seemed to get her attention and he heard a rustle that sounded like blankets.“Why not?”

“I seem to have… run into some difficulty due to my injuries.”

“Spit it out.I’m exhausted and I’m going to hang up in a moment.”

“My flat isn’t actually set up for living in…”

“So help me, Bond, if you don’t tell me what you need in the next ten seconds…”

“I fell.”

“So get up.”

“I, uh, can’t.”

There was silence on the line and James wasn’t sure if she was going to hang up or just laugh at him, but finally she sighed.“How long have you been on the floor?”

“I’m not precisely sure.”

“More than an hour?”

“The sun was setting when I fell, I think.”

“So you fell last night?”

“No, because it got light again and now it’s dark.”

There was a sound that James associated with an abrupt change in position.“You’ve been on the floor for more than a day and you haven’t called anyone?”

“I’m calling you.”

“Not Q?” she asked and James had a feeling she knew something he didn’t.He didn’t like it.

“You’re the one I call in the night for immediate assistance.There’s precedent.”He shifted on the floor, trying to find a position that didn’t make his leg throb.He couldn’t. 

“I’m so lucky,” she said sarcastically.“Do I need to call you an ambulance?”

“I just need you to come help get me off the floor.I’ll be fine once you do that.”

“If you can’t get up off the floor, you can’t be home alone,” she insisted.

“So I won’t fall again.”

“I’m coming to get you.Sam will set up our spare room.”

“Sam?”

“My boyfriend, you idiot.”

“Absolutely not.”

“I’m hanging up now.I’m coming to pick you up.”

“Only off the floor,” James insisted, but there was a silence and then his phone beeped to indicate she was gone.James had many regrets.The first of which was calling for help.He should have just stayed on the floor until his leg healed or he withered. 

As it was, he spent the next half hour of his life trying desperately to get up and hide the liquor bottles full of piss before Moneypenny arrived.He didn’t manage it and he’d never wanted to punch a woman in the face more than when she stood with one hand over her mouth trying not to laugh at him laying on his kitchen floor.

“It’s not funny,” he snapped at her.

“Oh, it really is.Or it would be if your whole flat didn’t reek of sick.”

“It does not.”

She frowned and started looking in corners worriedly.

“Could you get me up off the floor before you do whatever you’re doing?” he demanded.

“Once you’re up, I have to hold you up.I need to… Oh good lord, were you _trying_ to kill yourself?” she demanded, staring at something in his living room near the tv stand.He’d been over there when he’d fallen, trying to find the remote control.It had seemed important at the time.

“No.”

She stomped back to him, her heels clacking on his floors. “Q’s gorgeous, but he’s not worth dying over.How many fucking pills did you take?”

“What?”

“You took a bunch of pills, drank a bunch of something and then threw up and it’s fucking well lucky you did or you’d probably be dead.I should take you in to have your liver function checked.”

“The liver repairs itself, Moneypenny.”

“Not if you abuse it like this!What did you _do_ to him to make him leave you?”

“We were never together.”

“Right, because he goes into a strop and terrorizes his entire branch for no reason at the same time as you decide you should off yourself with painkillers and whisky and it’s all a grand coincidence.I don’t have the fucking time to be your fairy godmother and sort out your relationship troubles.”

“We were never together,” he repeated.

“Did you forget that I’m the one that brought the antidote to Nigeria?I had Q in my ear the entire trip, Bond.You should have heard the row he had with M before I left, over the fact that he couldn’t get the pain factor down.He nearly got fired over it.”

“And yet.We were never together and he’s never been interested in a relationship with me.”

“That’s complete and utter shit.”

“It’s precisely what he told me.And I didn’t try to kill myself.I was in pain.I took painkillers.That’s it.”

“You took a lot of painkillers.”

“I was in a lot of pain.”

“You followed them with liquor.”

“I’ve done that for years and never got sick off it.For fuck’s sake, just get me off the damn floor and go home.”

“You’re coming home with me,” she said.“I can’t leave you.”

“You’re going to leave me, so get over it,” James snapped.“If I fall again, I’ll call someone, but I’m not going with you.” 

“You’re in no fit shape to fight me.Now, either I can leave you on the floor, find your keys and get you an overnight bag or I can get you off the floor and you can do it yourself, but either way, you’re coming.”

“You can’t actually carry me.”

“You weigh what?13 stone?I’ve carried more in higher heels.Make your choice before I make it for you.We both know which one’s more embarrassing.”

She had a point.It would be far more embarrassing to be carried out over her shoulder and he actually didn’t doubt that she’d do it.She’d been a field agent.She was more than capable.“Just get me up and I’ll put some things in a damn bag.”

“I thought you’d see things my way.”She crouched next to him and stuck her hands under his armpits to haul him up.She was much stronger and more steady at it than he’d expected and he got up embarrassingly easily.He’d broken the fronts off the drawers in his kitchen, ripped off a couple cupboard doors and she had him on his feet in seconds. 

“My cane’s by the television.”

“You should be on crutches.”

“I haven’t been able to use them since you shot me in the shoulder.Too much damage to the joint.”

To her credit, there was no flinch of guilt, as much as he wanted there to be.“Then you definitely shouldn’t have been sent home alone.”She put herself under his arm and took most of his weight as they went to get his cane.

“They always send me home alone.”

She sighed.“Fine.If you say so.Let’s get you packed up and to mine.”

 

James lay in the spare bed in Moneypenny’s house, leg throbbing.He’d been stuffed full of water and buttered toast before she’d so much as let him have a single tablet to alleviate the pain.It hadn’t kicked in yet and he was pretty sure it wouldn’t.It usually took a lot more than a single pill to calm any pain anywhere in his body.Between the leg and his shoulder, he wasn’t at all sure that he’d be sleeping.He was more certain he wouldn’t be when he heard a whispered conversation in the hallway outside the spare room.

“Who is he again?” the boyfriend asked.

“He’s a coworker.James.”

“The one you flitted off to bloody Nigeria over, right?”

“Sam, I told you.He works for my boss and he was in a car wreck so I got sent to get him home safely.”

“You’re not a nurse.”

“I know that.”

“So why send you?I don’t understand why you get sent off on this kind of thing, why you’re the one everyone calls in the middle of the night.”

“Because that’s what a personal assistant does.I assist however I’m asked.”

“They never stop asking.Nigeria’s not exactly safe, is it?”

“I’ve been there before.”

“That doesn’t make it safe.They’re going to get you killed, love.If it’s not from some stupid things they ask you to do, it’s going to be from overwork.You’re just going to drop dead.”

“It’s not so bad.I love this job.”

“There’s a strange man in our guest room and the way you were treating him, he’s on some kind of suicide watch.I’m not stupid, Eve.”

“Sam, he’s going through a hard time right now.”

“It’s five o’clock in the morning and you haven’t had any sleep.I’d say you’re going through a hard time, too.Why didn’t your work send him home with someone?”

“You know Quentin, from R&D?”

“Who?”

“The kid that brought me home after the Christmas party?Q for short?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“He and James had been dating, everyone thought Quentin had it under control.”

“So where’s Quentin?”

“I think they had a falling out.I think James tried to kill himself, but I can’t prove it.”

“So call work, get them to deal with it.”

“He doesn’t need the boss coming down on his head.Sam, I really need to sleep, can we please figure out what we’re doing about him in the morning?”

“It is morning.”

“And I need sleep.He needs sleep.I promise, I really promise, I will call someone and get this taken care of after I sleep, but I can’t think right now.I’m so tired.Please, can we just go to bed?”

“Okay.Maybe I can get an hour or two before I have to head out.”

“Yes.I’m going to go in late, give me more time to deal with this.Come on.”James heard footsteps going away and he wondered how much of that had been them being totally used to living alone and how much he’d been intended to hear.

By the time Moneypenny woke, he’d managed to book himself a hotel and call MI6 medical to get someone to meet him at the hotel to start his physiotherapy.There was no way for her to argue with that and it was easier than fighting her to be allowed to leave.He did, however, have to tolerate the trip over, which wasn’t much fun at all since she insisted on driving him.

“You need to make up with Q.”

“Don’t you mean Quentin?” he asked sarcastically.“Could you have come up with a more transparent alias?”

“Could you have been a little more discreet about your eavesdropping?I mean it.You need to sort things out.It’s affecting his whole branch.”

Intrigued, James looked over, letting the quiet draw out a moment so she’d be more likely to respond when he spoke.“Oh?”

“He’s terrorizing them all.It’s become a fascist dictatorship basically overnight, Bond.He made a tech cry last night.While he was on the line with 003.”

“Q or the tech?”

“Q.003 laughed, he heard the whole thing.We’re going to have to let the tech take some time before it’ll be safe to risk 003 seeing him.”

James shrugged and looked out at the rain.“I fail to see how this is my fault in the slightest.”

“You left his office and he went home early for the first time in months, didn’t come in the next day and returned in a strop.What did you do to him?”

“You’re making some rather large leaps of logic to arrive at a solution that results in my being to blame, aren’t you?”

Moneypenny laughed.“You’re avoiding the topic.That’s as good as a confession.”

“You’ve never for a moment considered that he did something to me?”

Moneypenny’s surprise was gratifying and James basked in it for a bit, watching her try to work through that, taste it for truth.“If you think you can put me off with some lie about him breaking _your_ heart, then you’ve fried your brain with the pills.”

“I never said he broke my heart.I couldn’t sell anyone on something so patently false.He, however, is the aggressor here.”

“So something did happen between you.”

“You would have to discuss that with him.I’m not in the habit of spreading rumours.”

There was silence but for the sounds of driving through a heavy rain.Moneypenny glanced at him as often as she dared, taking in his face repeatedly over several blocks, until they hit a red light.She tapped her fingernails on the steering wheel and looked over properly.“So someone actually managed to hurt you, then?”

“It’s hardly a significant act,” James scoffed, meeting her eyes.

She seemed to see something there that bothered her, because she held his gaze, refusing to be the first to look away.She seemed to hold him captive, draw out time like she was slowly bending the brittle branch of a long-dead tree, the arch of it a strain against its inevitable breaking point.Though he could see the breaking point coming, he couldn’t stop it and it startled him when it happened finally.“You fell in love with him,” she accused.

He tensed against the instinctive flinch, pretending to rub his leg.“Of course not.”

“Oh, no, of course not, I forgot, you don’t fall in love, do you?You just charm people into your bed for a night and feel nothing.Except for the ones you run away over, but there’s nowhere to run with him, is there?”

“The light’s changed.”

“No it hasn’t.”

“This is really none of your business.”

“It is if you take off from MI6 over this.”

“And what would that accomplish?”

Moneypenny faced the front again and accelerated.“You’re like an animal.You get wounded and you crawl off to die or heal.There’s too much hanging in the balance for you to pull that this time.We were lucky there was a double-oh program for you to come back to and if you disappear, there’s too much scrutiny right now for it to do anything but put us all on the chopping block.”

“Might be good for your relationship.”

“Stay out of that and listen to what I’m saying.Don’t punish the entire country, take away one of the most important safety programs we have because you’re not getting your end off with your superior anymore.”

“I can’t possibly be that important to the future of MI6.”

“You’re not, but we’ve had to invest a great deal into ensuring that certain other parties are positive that we keep our trained killers on a leash.If you wander off and get lost, they’re going to take notice.Replacing you would be easier if I had just left you to die in your own sick than if you disappear again.”

“I’ll make sure to die if I want to leave again,” he snapped.

“There won’t be any coming back if you die again.Just remember that.This is your last chance.”

He didn’t care.He wasn’t going to let Q chase him out of MI6.“I’m not running away from a child.”

“You’re not as young as you used to be.You need him.You’re going to have to make up with him.”

“I have no intention of being anything but professional.”

“I’m sure he’d say the same.”She pulled the car into a parking spot out front of the hotel and turned off the engine in a swift, effortless movement.“Bond, you have to fix this before it gets someone killed.”

“Why does it fall to me to fix?”

“Because you’re probably the one that’s going to die, but if you’re not, you’ll regret not fixing this.”

“There’s nothing to fix,” he growled, opening the door and grabbing his bag off of his feet.“Good day, Moneypenny.”

 

It was a week, a week where he didn’t dare take enough pills to actually feel okay thanks to the constant visits from the physiotherapist, before he ventured back to MI6.He needed to get out of his hotel room and he didn’t actually have anywhere to go but work, so he decided to go make use of the physiotherapists at headquarters rather than letting them come to him any longer as soon as he was able to get around without the cane.He needed to get his foot back in the door and that meant making sure he was available for more in-depth debriefs, among other things.

Going back was exhausting and there was a hollowness to everything that there hadn’t been before Nigeria.He was so tired all the time and everything hurt.There was no relief to it, just relentless agony.He felt, for the first time in a long time, as if life was an exhausting and unending punishment.He had come back, once again, but there was nothing to come back to.There was no one left who held his loyalty.He didn’t know what to do.

Two weeks came and went, two weeks of drifting through MI6 aimlessly and trying to find something, anything, to care about.Two weeks where rumour had it that M was fighting Q over personnel issues and where there was talk of Q leaving.Two weeks where James avoided Q-Branch like the plague, until exhaustion and pain led him on a meandering route where he found himself sitting in Q’s spare chair without anything left to get him back out once he realized he was there.All he could do was sit and wait and hope Q didn’t come back.

Of course, James had never had much in the way of luck, so Q came in about ten minutes after he’d sat.

Q stood in the doorway and stared, wide-eyed, until his face settled into something cold, closed and furious.“What are _you_ doing here?” he demanded.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” James said, too tired to even try to lie.“Habit, I think.”

“Well, you can leave.”

“Actually, I can’t.”Even with Q there, James couldn’t find the energy to get moving.

“It’s simple, get onto your feet and walk out.”

James sighed and tried to push himself up, but his arms shook and he dropped back into the seat.“Didn’t drink that disgusting electrolyte crap they foist on us after physio.”

“Physio?”

“Some of the muscle was damaged when I was stabbed and they’re trying to get me back into the field as soon as possible.They want that to be next week, so they’re pushing me a little.”

“You’re the one pushing you,” Q said.“I’ve seen your files, I know what you do when you get hurt.You’re not ready to go out again yet.You probably should only be on light physio.”

“I assumed the… what do they call it… cyberstalking?Yes, the cyberstalking would end once you decided we were through.” 

Q tensed and stepped in, closing the door behind him.“Don’t discuss that at work.”

“I’m not discussing anything.I have it on good authority that Moneypenny, at least, was sure that we were dating.Whatever was going on between us, it’s not anymore.There’s nothing more to discuss.”

“M’s after my job.”

“According to the rumour mill, you’ve been a complete and utter tosser to everyone who’s so much as looked in your direction since I saw you last, so I don’t wonder.”

“You’ve told people.I know you have.”

“I haven’t breathed a word.It’s not mine to tell.You made that perfectly clear.”

“I don’t believe you,” Q said, searching James’ face. 

James watched him, let him.“I won’t tell anyone.There’s never been a time when you told me no and I didn’t listen.”

“How many missions have you blown off my instructions?That’s a bald-faced lie.”

“Missions don’t count, Q.They can’t, because I have to make decisions in the field in a heartbeat and you don’t always have every bit of information that I do.When it matters, when it’s been personal, when have I ever not listened to you?”

“I told you I can’t _do_ this!”

“And I’m not asking you to.”

“Then why are you here?”

James flopped his head back against the backrest of the chair and looked up at the ceiling.“I got lost and I ended up here.I’m just tired, that’s all.Give me a few more minutes and I’ll get out.I’m sorry for bothering you.”

Q walked around to the other side of his desk and sank into his own chair.“If you can stay quiet and let me work, you can stay as long as you need.” 

James lifted his head abruptly and looked over at him.The last thing he’d expected was that and he didn’t know what to do with it.“If you had anything to drink, I could be out of here faster, probably.”It wasn’t a large request, but it was the only way James could think to test the boundaries of this odd bout of sudden good will.

Q nodded, then fished through his desk drawers, coming up with half a bottle of red gatorade.“I opened it this morning, it’s still fine,” he said, and set it on the desk where, a month or so before, he would have set James’ drink during a working lunch.

“Thank you,” James said, taking the drink gratefully.He didn’t know what it meant, what he should do next, but it was a piece of information that he couldn’t ignore.

 

Another week of hellish physiotherapy and James was almost mission ready.In his opinion, he was, but his test scores didn’t reflect that so he’d been put off a week.All he wanted was to get out into the field before he went insane with inactivity.He was more mobile, more able to get himself around and do things, but that made it worse, not better.The restlessness had him stupid and hazy and the physio had him hungry, so it shouldn’t have been a surprise when he found himself in Q’s office with takeaway at lunch time, but it was.

He went in and shut the door anyway, gratified when Q didn’t immediately throw him out, though a little disappointed by the wariness that he saw painted on Q’s features.“Failed the endurance test.Don’t suppose you have one of those quizzes I could do and make myself useful,” he asked as he started unpacking the containers and setting them out for himself and Q in their customary configurations—Q liked things made of bits of chicken, James preferred things with a nice sauce, so the arrangement was one of convenient proximity.

“I might be able to dig something up,” Q said, doubtfully.“What are you doing?”

“Working lunch.We haven’t had one in awhile, I’m re-instituting the tradition.”James sat down and picked up his fork.

“It’s hardly a tradition.”

“I ate here nearly every day I was on home soil for ten months.Given the speed at which things move in our world, that’s an eternity.”

Q stuck a piece of chicken in his mouth contemplatively and watched James.It wasn’t the first time James had been watched while eating, but it was one of the most unsettling.Q tended to look at things as though he could see all the pieces that made them up and James didn’t like being deconstructed.It took a lot for him to sit still and play casual, to keep eating, while Q analyzed his every motion.

“Why are you actually here?” Q asked, finally.

James shrugged.“I got hungry.”

“That’s not what I was asking and you know it.”

James finished his bite of pasta and placed his fork down.“Consider it a peace offering.I do depend on you in the field, after all.I need you to know you can trust me or I can’t trust you.”

“No matter what I might think of you on a personal level, I’ll do my job.”

“I know.But I do better out there with you in my ear.I don’t want to be left to your underlings.”

Q nodded, relaxing.“I’ll have you.Don’t worry.” 

James thought he detected some kind of emotion in Q’s voice, but he couldn’t decipher it. 


	6. To see you're really only very small

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: There is rape in this chapter. If you want to skip where it happens, stop reading at "...they were still receiving their orders" and pick up again at "he heard a familiar, calm voice over speakers he couldn’t see." It is VERY non-graphic and this chapter is more about the aftermath than the actual rape. This chapter does contain a male rape survivor using minimizing tactics to deal with--or not deal with, depending on your perspective--a rape.

It took three more weeks of physio before they were satisfied enough to let him have his first mission and he had lunch with Q a dozen more times before then.There was no kissing.He didn’t even try making the slightest move in that direction.There were, however, a lot of quiet spats and awkward silences.There were lunches where Q jumped at every move or sound James made and lunches where James nearly snapped his eating utensils clenching them to bite his tongue and keep from snapping at Q’s pointed remarks. 

Things were different and finding their way back towards equilibrium was a stumbling, slow process, but one James wasn’t sure he could afford not to undertake.He was beginning to think that there was nothing that would stop him having feelings for Q and the lack of control was constricting, like too-small leather gloves binding him in place.He didn’t like it, but he also didn’t have time to spend trying to figure out how to separate himself from Q, not if he wanted to be out in the field. 

He did better on his psych qualifications than he ever had—including their substance abuse evaluations, in every category—and they sent him out on a mission that was supposed to be simple, a mission to ease him back into things.It turned out to be a complete mess.

From the moment he’d set foot on the ground, his gut had told him there was something off about the whole thing.He’d ignored it, assumed it was just nerves until the moment he realized that every single one of the men present at the smuggling ring he was meant to be infiltrating worked for Oberhauser.Even with Oberhauser in prison, they were still receiving their orders.

Q’s voice was in his ear the moment he reported in, telling him to follow his mission plan.He tried, he tried with everything he had, but it came crashing down when they captured him.There was a camera and he knew, the more they escalated the abuse, that every moment of what they did to him was being recorded for Oberhauser to enjoy later.He was honestly surprised at some of the things they thought Oberhauser would enjoy seeing.He’d thought the other man believed himself above all that but, once things escalated to an icy shower and forced nudity, he supposed he shouldn’t have been shocked at the way they shoved down their own trousers, but a part of him still was. 

The fear drifted away on waves of searing pain, pain that made it easier to focus on disappearing into his own head and escaping.He’d been through this before, knew this script and he could handle it.He turned in on himself, remembering his childhood, things that he’d always held close.It had worked a hundred times, playing back picture shows so he could detach from pain, fear and intimidation.And it backfired, because there, in the back of his mind, lurking, was Oberhauser.Oberhauser who owned everything.Oberhauser who owned him, owned the memories that had been best and brightest.Oberhauser, who he’d never escape, never get free of so long as he lived.He couldn’t stop screaming, even when his voice went hoarse. 

He didn’t stop screaming when something exploded and the men scattered, the last one pulling up his trousers as he went.He didn’t stop screaming until he heard a familiar, calm voice over speakers he couldn’t see.

“007, your clothes are on the table.They’ve left your radio in your pocket.If you press the antenna twice, a new earpiece will fall out the battery door.Get dressed, quickly.Put in the earpiece.The building is on fire and I have your escape route at the ready,” came Q’s soft, soothing tones.The background noises that sometimes accompanied him over the comms were gone and James had a feeling he was in his office.Somehow, that thought brought back enough of equilibrium that he could follow the orders, even if he couldn’t find his voice to speak.

It was better once the earpiece was shoved into place and Q’s voice was in his ear and not over the speakers.Calm, cool tones took over James’ mind. 

“I’ve deleted all the footage.There’s no record of your captivity.Go out the door and right, towards the smoke.Trust me, it’s the best way.”

James did as he was told, buttoning his trousers and running as fast as his injured body would let him.Q sent him right, left, left again, then asked him to run down three flights of stairs and through an open window.He managed it, then stole a car and headed for the nearest airport, all without saying a word.

Q was in his ear the entire time, directing him through traffic and moving him along, keeping him in motion, up until the moment he pulled into the airport.The morons had left his documentation and his face intact, so there was nothing for Q to do once he got there.

“I need to go.There’s work I have to get done so I can trace Blofeld,” Q said, regret palpable in his tone.“If you need me, tap the earpiece and I’ll make every effort, but I can’t guarantee I’ll be available.I’ll see you when you get back home.This once, you’re excused from returning the equipment.”

James felt the smile twitch his lips more than he felt any actual joy.“Thank you,” he managed, before ducking into a restroom to freshen up for a mercifully short flight back to London. 

Before he even had time to shower or report in to medical, he was back at MI6, standing in front of M’s desk.They needed information about the various splinter groups of Spectre that still existed and Oberhauser had agreed to speak, but only to James.He wanted to refuse but he didn’t dare.As ever, there was too much at stake to put himself ahead of the good of his country, so he put on a fresh suit and went to Oberhauser’s prison cell.For the sake of queen and country, he let the other man mock him for three solid hours so that MI6 could get life-saving intelligence and then they let him go to decompress.

He found himself sitting on the floor behind Q’s desk with a bottle, drunk before he should have been and trying to decide whether to keep drinking or take a nap right there, curled up on Q’s floor.He was exhausted and the floor seemed a better idea than getting himself up and relocating to somewhere more comfortable. 

The exhaustion wasn’t like what came after a hard work out or running across rooftops and fighting for his life.Yes, he had pain, but physical pain was easy to deal with and this particular pain was nothing new.No, it was something deeper that left an empty ache in his chest and choked him, making it hard to swallow down the dark liquid he couldn’t even taste. 

He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes, letting himself drift on the edge of sleep, but never falling all the way there.There were sounds coming in from Q-Branch and they kept him just slightly on edge as he tried to track what was going on out there. 

He was jerked out of his reverie by a sound he could only describe as being halfway between a squeak and a scream.He opened his eyes to see Q standing there.

“You should be in medical,” Q said, his attempts at regaining his dignity reminding James of nothing more than a wet cat.

James shrugged and lifted the bottle to take a sip before lowering it without having done so.“It wouldn’t help any.”

“You need to be checked out.After what happened—“

“Nothing happened that hasn’t happened to me a dozen times before,” James said tiredly.“It’s part of the job and if I don’t know how to handle it or when I actually need attention by now, then I should be fired.”

“But immediate attention is important after something like—“

“Why?So they can harass me, turn me in to psych and keep me out of the field?”

“No, but what about diseases?”

James couldn’t find it in himself to laugh at that, though he felt a sort of sick humour about it.“I’m tested for those every month, like clockwork.I take preventatives as soon as they come onto any market in the world.Just because this was more violent doesn’t make it more risky than all the other fucking I do for MI6.Or didn’t you think of that before you sucked my cock?”

It was immediately apparent on his face that no, Q hadn’t thought of that. 

“I thought you were some kind of genius,” James said, closing his eyes again tiredly. 

“Yes, well, we all have areas of strength and weakness.Should I be getting myself tested?”

“Up to you.Blowjobs aren’t exactly the highest risk of all activities.I haven’t had anything come up on my tests in about eighteen months and I’ve never had anything some penicillin couldn’t take care of.”

Q sighed, sounding a little frustrated.James considered opening his eyes to see if he was right, but it felt like too much effort.The hollow ache in his chest was getting worse and somehow it felt like it was taking everything he had not to let it implode.There was a quiet that hung there for awhile in the dark chasm between them, pulsating like the soft lights that swirled slowly behind his closed eyelids, then he heard the door close, followed by a rustling sound and a swish that made him open his eyes.

Q had sunk down to sit next to him against the wall.“I thought I shouldn’t loom over a trained assassin,” he said by way of explanation.

James nodded, feeling a detached sort of gratefulness.“I prefer spy.”

“Spy, then,” Q agreed. 

James closed his eyes, concentrating on deep even breaths to try to control the ache.

“Maybe you should head home,” Q said.“You look exhausted.”

“I’ll go in a bit.”

“You could take a nap on the break room sofa.You’ve been up for at least 36 hours.No one would mind.”

James flinched.

“Or not.You don’t have to.”Q’s tone had gone soft, like he was trying to placate an angry dog. 

James opened his eyes again.“You’re afraid of me,” he accused.

“I’d deny that, but you’d know it was a lie.Of course I’m afraid of you.You could kill me with little more than a thought.That is not, however, my primary concern presently.I’m more afraid for you.You don’t… you don’t look yourself right now.You’re pretending what’s happened to you is something you can treat casually and just walk away from, but everything about you right now says otherwise.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” James said, taking a swig from his bottle.The taste and burn left him feeling nauseated, his innards swimming and fluttering around alarmingly.

Q was quiet for a few beats.“One in five women in the UK has been sexually assaulted or raped,” he said finally.

That got James’ attention and he searched Q’s face.“You?”Perhaps it would explain things about Q if he had been, back when he was a woman.

Q shook his head, a little less prickly than James expected him to be. “No, not me, but it would have been impossible for me to grow up without encountering someone.A friend I went all the way through school with.She tried to tell me it was all fine, that she was over it, but she didn’t actually handle it all that well.Took her a long time to be herself again.”

“It’s not the same thing,” James said. 

“Why, because you’re a man?”

“Because it’s my job.Because it’s happened before.Because I knew getting into this what I was consenting to by accepting the position.”

“Doesn’t mean it hasn’t got under your skin.”

“It hasn’t.”

“Then talk to me, Bond.I’m pretty good at listening.”

“You heard the whole thing, didn’t you?”It came out more jagged and hysterical than he wanted.

Q looked away.“It wasn’t something I did for fun.I took over the cameras and they were…I only watched while I was trying to pinpoint your location, to get verification before I started exploding things.”

“And then you erased the recordings of the rape.”

“I didn’t think you’d want anyone to see.”

“I don’t.I… thank you,” James said, then drank a little more, the movement one of habit, not desire.“At this point, the rape itself isn’t the horrible part.It’s the way everyone acts like it’s some kind of life-altering event.I suppose, for someone else, it might be, but I have more sex out of necessity than I do because I want it.I rarely get to choose my partners, this is no different.”

Q looked disturbed and stuck out his hand imperiously.

“You don’t get to decide how much I do or don’t drink,” James said, clutching his bottle a little closer.

“No, but I want some.”

“You do?”

“Yes.”

James searched his face suspiciously, not sure if Q was playing at something, but handed over the bottle in the end.

Q tossed back a significant portion with a certain practiced ease. 

“You’re not big enough to keep up with me, I wouldn’t try, if I were you,” James said, taking the bottle back. 

“I’m not a lightweight.I’ve got some practice behind me.”

James looked at the bottle.“I think I’m out of practice.I can’t remember when I’ve had a drink since just after Nigeria.”

“I’ll have to help you with that bottle, then, so you don’t poison yourself.”

“I’ll think about it,” James said.“Can you drink like a regular man?”

Q rolled his eyes.“It’s a good thing I cut off the cameras in my office when I shut the door.But yes, I can.”

“I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“No, you shouldn’t.You’re incredibly rude, but you’re also drunk and messed up right now, so I’ll allow it.”

“Thank you.”James was surprised by the desperation that edged into his tone.He wanted, so badly, not to offend Q, not to drive him away and the idea that he might lose all the progress they’d eked out only made the lump in his throat worse.

“I thought I’d get more fight on the messed up part.”Q looked worried.

James thought about it a moment, wanting to argue, then shook his head.“It’s a bit undeniable, isn’t it?”

“You are hiding behind my desk with a bottle of scotch,” Q responded.

“This is Irish whisky, actually,” James came back with.“And I’m not hiding.”

“You always sit in the chair.”

James shrugged and forced down another mouthful of the whisky.“Didn’t feel like it.”

“So you burrowed further into my space.”

James frowned.Had he?He supposed he had, but he’d needed to feel safe, secure, and being on Q’s side of the desk had done that.“I didn’t burrow, exactly.”

Q took the bottle and had a swig before handing it back.“You always come back here.”

James considered it.“If by here, you mean your office, I suppose lately that I have,” he said cautiously.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.It’s good to be surrounded by the things you built to keep me alive, I suppose.”That wasn’t it and the hesitancy showed.

Q was quiet for a bit, and they passed the bottle back and forth.Q seemed to hold his own in the drinking, which helped, somehow.“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about what happened?” Q finally asked.

“Why can’t you just believe me that getting raped doesn’t bother me anymore?”

“I’ve seen you come h—back from missions that went right, missions that went wrong, missions where you had sex and ones where you didn’t.I’ve seen you sweep into my office and make every effort to sweep me off my feet after bedding six different women to get a single piece of information, but I’ve never seen you like this.”

“It’s not about the rape.”

“Then what is it?” Q asked, his words a little soft around the edges in a way they never were when he was sober.

He wanted to say it, but the words wouldn’t come, the hollowness deepening, expanding and his throat seeming to squeeze shut.His face burned and the world roared in his ears.“I’ve got nothing,” he managed, unhappy with the words that got out before his throat was so tight nothing more would come.He hoped he wasn’t going to vomit.

Something awful crossed Q’s face.“Of course you’ve got something,” he said urgently.

James breathed deeply and choked back liquor, swallowing once, twice, chasing away the tightness.“It’s not what it sounds like.”

“That’s good, because it sounded like you weren’t planning to go on with things.”

“I’m not suicidal.I’m just… adrift.”

“Adrift?”

“It’s easier to go into your mind, to escape into yourself when they hurt you,” James said, clutching the bottle.“To attach yourself to something that’s as far from the pain as possible so it slides off you.Only…Well, orphans make the best recruits.M loved saying that, and she was right.Just, there was precious little left and he took it.”His voice wavered oddly and he shut his mouth tightly.

“One of the men?” Q frowned, his eyes flicking back and forth in a pattern that James associated with him trying desperately to glean a bit of information from a memory.James wasn’t sure when he’d learned that habit of Q’s.

“Franz,” he whispered, his foster-brother’s first name twisting his stomach like a knife.

“What did he take?”

James couldn’t find the words for a moment, couldn’t think of them, everything focussed down into a narrow beam that seemed to be centred on the lump in his throat.He couldn’t think and he was surprised to hear himself speak.“Home,” he said, his tone something he’d heard from other people but not from himself. 

“Oh,” Q said.“But you have a home, haven’t you?Your flat?”

James shook his head, a strange sound coming from his mouth, a sound he couldn’t stop, something like choking.He was crying and it terrified him, because he didn’t cry, he hadn’t cried in so long.

Hands took the bottle from him and arms slid around him.“It’s all right,” came Q’s voice from near his ear. 

He pushed Q away, hard.He didn’t need comfort, didn’t want it, just needed control and he would kill to get it back.He needed space, room to pull himself together or he’d explode and he didn’t want Q in the fallout zone. 

It was like Q could read his mind, because then he offered up a distraction.“For the next ten minutes, you can ask me anything and I’ll answer,” he said and his tone was somehow the tone he used over the comms.

The bottom seemed to come back into James’ stomach and he sniffled.“Like what?”

“Anything.Any rude, obnoxious, stupid question that’s been burning since we fell out.”

“I can’t.”

“This is a one-time offer and I’m timing it, so it’s up to you if you take advantage or not.”

“Now’s not the time,” James said, scrubbing at stubbornly running eyes with his palms.

“It’s the only time.”

“I can’t think of anything to ask.”

“Don’t be so stupid.Of course you can.”

James took in a shaky breath, then nodded.“How old are you?”

Q’s tone stayed in his mission cadence as he responded.“Seems a wasted question, but I’m thirty-two.”

“So you’ve been with MI6 eight years?”

“Next month.”

“And you’ve never had sex in all that time?”

“Closest I’ve been was sucking you off.”

James nodded, trying to arrange his face so he could look smug, but he was pretty sure the way his eyes were still watering was making the expression utterly ineffective.“So you’re a virgin?”

Q shot him the most singularly unimpressed look James had received since he lost the last car.“Of course not.I’ve had sex, a fair bit of it, if I’m honest.”

“And you gave it up?You must have had terrible partners.”

“There was enough variation in them that I think it’s safe to say that I know what I like and what I don’t.I had quite a promiscuous period after my A-levels.”

“How could you give it up?”

“The chance to do what I’ve done, to get through transition with no questions, no one watching me, was a once in a lifetime opportunity.Most people never get that, so I grasped onto it with both hands and told M what I needed.She was happy to help in return for getting full use of my mind and it was fairly obvious I’d be loyal if she gave me the only thing I was asking for.”

“And it was easy?”

“Oh, no, of course not.You realize I spent the first year I was here with everyone thinking I was on some kind of young offenders’ work release?It was the only way to explain away what amounted to going through puberty while working for MI6.I am in actual fact, based on my actual age, the youngest quartermaster in MI6 history, but my redacted, digital record lists me as being nearly seven years younger than I am so no one would question it.M brought me in and told them I was a terrible little hacker she’d fished out of a juvenile detention facility and no one’s questioned it since.MI6 thinks I’m only twenty-five, even Mallory doesn’t know any differently.No one else is going to beat my record, at this rate.”

“So when we met, you were officially only—“

“Only around twenty-two, yes.And there’s no one left alive save for one person in medical who knows the truth of who I used to be.No, I won’t tell you who, nor will I tell you where the paper records for that are kept.It was the one thing M insisted on being accurate when she helped me transition.”

“Gave her more leverage over you than anyone else in the service.”

Q nodded.“In a way, yes.To her credit, though, she never once called it in.She never asked me for more because she owned me, never offered up any blackmail.She took me aside when they started trying to retire her, told me about all the special measures she’d taken to keep me safe.Did you know there are four files for the quartermaster, now?And no one would ever guess which one was me, but I can pull it out if I ever have to, make sure that there’s a file I can fall back on.It would mean revealing myself, but it would keep me from being brought up on treason.”

“Your surname was Dawson,” James said suddenly, because he could picture the file in his head clearly, the one with the birthdate that had to be right.

Q stared at him a moment, clearly torn between being angry and resigned.“I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised you went digging around.I’d appreciate it if my birth name never crossed your lips.I loathed it from the moment I was old enough to realize different people had different names.”

“It certainly doesn’t suit you when you need a shave badly enough you could sand wood with your chin,” James agreed.

“It never did, even when I wore a skirt and kept my hair in braids,” Q said, and reached for the bottle.He drank an amount that couldn’t possibly be called healthy before handing it back, his expression gone maudlin.“It was never really _my_ name.It was the name of the woman my parents dreamed up and she never existed.The first time I ever heard _my_ name, M gave me a letter and told everyone she was doing it to keep my criminal record sealed.And then I got a new name every time I was promoted.”

“Do you have a name, then?A proper one, I mean.”

“My name is Q.It’s the only one I have.”

“But don’t you want one?”

“Moneypenny calls me Quentin when she thinks she’s being subtle.”Q shrugged. 

“I know.You drove her home from a Christmas party?”

“No, I helped her home after a wake when 002 died.It was close enough to Christmas that she told her boyfriend that rather than the truth.”

“Are you interested in her?”

Q shrugged.“It wouldn’t matter if I was, would it?I don’t do that.”

“Except with me.”

“And I don’t do that anymore.”

James sighed and forced down a little more liquor.“I know.”

“Any other burning questions?”

“How do you use the toilet?”

“Oh, I should have guessed that one was coming.”

“Well?”

“Same way as most people.I release my sphincters and urine emerges from my urethra.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

Q sighed and fixed James with a disappointed stare.“I’m not exactly urinal compatible.I use the stall.If anyone asks, I tell them I’ve got a shy bladder, make a joke about an overbearing mother and they leave me alone.”

“What does ‘not urinal compatible’ mean?I’ve felt your cock.”

Q glanced at his watch.“Sorry, time’s up.”

“It can’t possibly be.”

“You wasted time right at the beginning.”

“You just don’t want to answer.”

“Honestly?No, I really don’t.I have absolutely no interest in telling people what my genitals look like.Do you enjoy describing yours?”

“Hmm… not really into phone sex.”

“There you go.”

James was quiet, not sure what he was supposed to say now.He was back under control, but even more exhausted than he’d been before.He just wanted to sleep, possibly forever.He let his eyes slide closed and hoped that Q would just let him alone and let him pass out on the floor. 

He was almost asleep when Q finally spoke, because of course he couldn’t just let James sleep.“We should get you to a bed.”

“I’m fine.I can just sleep here.”

“No, you can’t.”

“I’m going to.”

“I’ll get a car to take us back to mine.”

That got James’ attention and he looked at Q.“To yours.Do you even have a spare bed?”

“Yeah.In my home lab.Fell asleep in my chair one too many times when my bed was too far away, couldn’t hold my head up straight for a week from sleeping funny.It’s a bit of a mess in there.You can have my regular bed.”

“You have a bed in your home lab,” James said flatly. 

“It works really well for me.Come on, let’s get you up.”Q staggered to his feet, his movements loose and drunk.

“I’ll just stay here.”

“I’m not leaving you,” Q said. 

“Then you can stay here.”

“I can’t stay here.I’m drunk.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I can’t sleep in my clothes, especially not drunk.I might not wake up.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to get into it, but please, let me take you home and put you up in my spare bed.Please.”Q sounded almost like he was begging.

“I just want to sleep.”

“Bond, you can’t sleep in my office for security reasons if nothing else.Mallory would have my head.”

“He’s M to you.”

“No, she was,” Q said.“He’s Mallory when no one’s around who’ll report me.He’s not nearly as good as she was.”

James looked up at him curiously.“You miss her?”

Q nodded sadly.“I really do.We weren’t close, not like someone you’d go out for a pint with, but she was my friend in her own way, probably the best friend I’ve ever had.”

“You said once that M gave you to me.”

“In a way, but not the way I made that sound that night.The closest she ever got to asking a personal favour was telling me to make sure you always had anything you needed to help you overcome your weaknesses.She knew you weren’t actually ready to be in the field again on paper, but she needed you out there, she trusted you to know what you could and couldn’t do and she told me to make sure you’d come home.I was so stupid and inexperienced and I hadn’t had time to build what you needed for that.If I’d been better, if I’d managed to anticipate what you needed, she’d still be here.It was my fault.”

“It’s not,” James said.“I took her out into the middle of nowhere with no backup.I took her beyond where you could help.”

Q was quiet a moment and he sounded a little choked when he replied.“I’m not going to get into a pissing contest with you over who’s guiltier.Get up so I can take you home, Bond.”

James drank some more, glaring up at him when Q snatched the bottle and drank what remained.

“Liquor’s gone, time to go.”Q put a hand under James’ armpit and started trying to pull him up.

“Leave me.”

“No,” Q said.“It’s all about leverage, really.I can get you up if I tug the right way and once you’re up, you’ll have to come.”

“You really are drunk.”

“Just get up!” Q snapped.“I have to go home.”

“I always thought you’d be a little more fun drunk,” James said.

“I don’t get drunk with people.”

“But you drink.”

“Yeah.”

James gave in to the tugging and started to rise.“You drink by yourself?”

“No, with my cats.Drinking alone is a sign you’ve got a problem.”

“How much do your cats drink?”

“They’re teetotal,” Q said, a little sharply. 

“Only drink the blood of their kill, huh?”

“What kill?They’re housecats, Bond.The closest they get to actually hunting anything is when I pull a feather across the floor and then give them my leftover steak.”

“No way for a predator to live.I’d know.”

“Well, come to my house and you can play with them, play with them and their toys, commiserate.”

“You’re not going to give up, are you?”

“No, I’m fairly sure you’ll die of alcohol poisoning if I let you alone.”

“Fine, I’ll come home with you.”

Q nodded and pulled his mobile out of his pocket, sloppily texting.“Car will meet us downstairs.”


	7. And Lose Their Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a panic attack. Take care of yourself.

Sleeping in Q’s bed was probably the best sleep he’d ever had and, if it weren’t for the fact that he’d consumed a lot of liquid shortly before falling asleep, he probably would have made it through a whole night.As it was, he woke up still fairly drunk at some point in the night with a cat curled up on his chest and a very, very insistent bladder.He wanted to stay in bed, where it was warm and he felt safer than he had in years, but it was piss the bed or get up and he wasn’t quite drunk enough to piss the bed.

He tiptoed down the hallway to Q’s bathroom, took care of business, then headed back, the cat twining around his feet affectionately.As he walked past Q’s lab, he was met by the sight of a yawning Q stumbling out, presumably to go to the bathroom as well.Q’s face took on a comical look of horror as he saw James and he leapt backwards and hit the doorframe with a tremendous crack. 

James lunged for him to keep him from falling all the way down, his coordination surprisingly not terrible in spite of the late hour and the amount of alcohol still in his system.He caught Q under the armpits, which actually managed to keep the quartermaster from hitting his head on the floor.

“Let go of me!” Q screamed, flailing in a way that James supposed was meant to slap James away.

James withdrew his hands and frowned down at Q.“Are you all right?”

“Yes, fine, now go away!” Q said, crossing his arms in front of himself and making absolutely no effort to get up.

“Let me help you up,” James said, extending a hand as the cat went over to solicit affection from Q.

“Not now, Lovelace,” he muttered, pushing the cat away with one hand.“Bond, go away.”

“Not until I’m sure you’re all right.You hit the doorframe pretty hard.”

“I’m FINE!Go!Please, please don’t make me beg.”

James crouched next to him and reached out to touch Q’s head.

“I said go away!”

“Let me check your head and I’ll go.”

“Swear.”

“I swear.”James ran his fingers slowly through Q’s hair, frowning when he hit a tacky spot on the back.“Shit, I think you’re bleeding.”

“I’m not.”

James squinted at his hand in the dark, then stood.“I’m turning on the light.”

“No!God, why can’t you just leave me alone!”

“Because I’m pretty sure you’ve got a head wound and I want to make sure your brains aren’t going to come spilling out on the damn floor.”James padded over to the light switch and flicked it on.

“No!Turn it off!” Q screeched, curling in on himself.

“Stop being such a baby.”James went back over and started manhandling Q to try and get a good look at his head.

Q kicked out with both legs, trying to get away.“Stop!Stop, get back, go away!” He sounded frantic, like he was on the verge of tears and if it weren’t for James’ legitimate worry that Q was badly hurt, he would have backed off.Part of him wondered if this was a symptom of a head injury, some kind of confusion. 

James used his legs to stop Q’s and took hold of his head, searching for the wet spot he’d found before.Q wailed the whole time, never uncrossing his arms and, sure enough, James found blood, a lot more than he’d initially found.“Shit, you’re bleeding.Sit up and let me see your eyes.”

“I’m fine, I’m really, really okay, it’s just a cut or a scrape, let me up and leave me alone.”

“Sit. Up.”James let his voice go menacing, frightening and tugged at Q’s shoulder.

Q uncurled miserably, hunching his shoulders forward and keeping his arms crossed tightly.He kept his eyes down and he was obviously frightened.“Please.”

“This is only going to take a moment, then we’ll get you cleaned up.” 

“I can clean myself up.”

“Look into my eyes a moment,” James commanded.

Q finally did as he was asked, his lips actually trembling with emotion.He sat very, very still as James covered one eye, then the other, watched his pupils dilate and contract in shadow and light, made him follow a finger.As soon as James started to stand, Q spoke again.“Go away.I’ll clean myself up.”

“We need to clear away the blood so I can see if you need stitches,” James said.“Scalp wounds are awful.”

“Please, James, please leave me.”

James stared at Q.“No, now I know something’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“You never use my first name.”

“I’ve never wanted anything from you this badly.”

“I can’t leave you.You can’t see the back of your own head.And you’re drunk with a head wound.”

“I’m not that drunk anymore.I can handle this.”

James hissed in frustration and stood up.“We can argue once we’ve got pressure on this.”He grabbed a towel from Q’s bathroom and pressed it against the back of Q’s head.“Hold this while I go see what you’ve got for first aid here.”

“No.”

“Goddammit, Q, do it.”

“I won’t.”

James grabbed Q’s wrist and jerked, pulling his hand behind his head and slamming it onto the towel.“Was that so fucking hard?” he demanded, pressing Q’s hand down.

Q moved his other arm across his chest more tightly and James looked down to see something rather unexpected.

“You’ve got tits,” James said, confused.

Q tore his hand free of James’ and hung his head.“Don’t.”

“There’s no way I missed those before.”

“It’s called a binder,” Q snapped.“It’s an undergarment that compresses my chest so I look normal.It’s why I can’t sleep in my clothes—I’d suffocate.”

“That doesn’t sound safe.”

“It’s fine as long as I’m fucking awake.You weren’t supposed to see this!If you’d just made some noise in the hallway!”

“I always move quietly.”

“You shouldn’t!”

James ignored that.“But I thought there was surgery.I found it on the internet.”

“I don’t have to justify the choices I’ve made about my body to you.Go the fuck away.”

James sat down in front of him.“No.I can’t leave you alone with your head like this.I’m not going anywhere.Why haven’t you had surgery?I thought that was one of the first things people like you did.”

“People like me?It’s none of your business what people like me do.And besides, when have I had _time_ for six weeks’ recovery from a major surgery?I have a fucking job, if you hadn’t noticed, and it’s keeping your arse alive!”

“But what about before, when you first started?”

“It’s not as simple as you think.It’s not some cut and dried path from beginning to end.I’ve made the choices I had to, the best choices for me and you don’t get to question them.You’re always questioning them.”

“I just want to know.”

“It’s not something you can ask someone about unless you’re sleeping with them.”

“I’d like to be sleeping with you and I’m guessing this is why you keep pushing me away,” James replied.“So I think I deserve some explanation.”

“You really don’t.”

James sat there quietly a moment, collecting his thoughts and trying to find some way to be a little more comfortable as he put his hand back on the towel on Q’s head.Lovelace put her paws on Q’s side and sniffed at the blood dripping down the back of his neck.“Come now, puss, it’s not sanitary,” James said, pushing her away.

Q grabbed the cat and pulled her in against his chest, petting her and refusing to look up at James. 

James watched the quiet interaction and a bit of understanding dawned, slowly.Q was afraid, for all the reasons he’d stated whenever this _thing_ had come up, for all the reasons he couldn’t find words for and what it had done was make it impossible for him to trust James properly.They weren’t so different, James and Q.Neither of them had anyone they fully trusted, neither of them were loyal to any living person, but at least Q had his cats.James was glad he had them, because maybe, just maybe, it would keep him a little saner and a little less hurt than James was.The mostly-empty bottle on Q’s bedside table, however, made James think that the biggest difference wasn’t the cats, it was age and experience and Q wasn’t as far behind James as he might pretend.James didn’t want that.Q was too important to slowly self-destruct.

It took everything James had to find the words that needed to be said, words that had been lingering between them too long.“I’m a drunk old arse with no soul left,” he started, not sure where to go exactly.His voice was soft and even as he tried to keep the uncertainty out. “I drink so much that if I don’t die in the field, I’ll probably die of liver failure.I take more pills than I ought to chase away both real and imagined pain.Psych would tell you I’m broken and I don’t trust anyone because everyone I’ve ever trusted has died or betrayed me, but Psych is wrong.”

“Doubt it,” Q muttered into Lovelace’s fur.

James ignored him, refusing to lose momentum, and pushed forward.“I trust you.I don’t know how.I shouldn’t.I don’t recall when I began trusting you or why.I can tell you why I kept coming back, I could tell you how the way you said no, the way you teased me with it, it was like a riddle, something I needed to figure out.I could tell you all the old song and dance about how I’m a spy, how I collect information, how not knowing something drives me insane, but I can’t tell you when I started trusting you.”

Q looked up at him, his eyes seeming oddly open without his glasses, as if James could see down into him, see all the little things that made him up.

“I can tell you I do.I can tell you a thousand other things.I could tell you how, somehow, your office became my home, that it stayed that way even when I realized that Oberhauser—“ His voice wavered a little and he cleared his throat.“—Oberhauser had destroyed every other memory I had that felt even a little like coming home.I’ve never…Coming back to your office was something that made me feel just a tiny bit sane, a little bit safe.I could struggle all night to try and explain my feelings, find the right words, but none of it would matter, because you don’t trust me.You can’t trust me.”

“I trust you more than just about anyone else at MI6.”

“You trust me a little, but it’s not enough.”

“You don’t get to decide how much I trust you or how much is enough.”Q’s lip curled in anger.

“No, and that’s the trouble.You keep saying you made a mistake every time you kissed me, but I made the same mistake.I kept kissing you, even after I noticed I was developing feelings for you, even when you told me you couldn’t return those feelings.That’s my fault.I’m sorry.I put you in this situation because I thought I could make you want me the way I… want you.I didn’t… wasn’t fair to you.”

“You still want me?” Q asked, confusion momentarily tempering his fury.

“I’ll do my best not to bother you with it any further,” James responded.He couldn’t remember the last time he’d spoken so openly about his feelings, couldn’t remember the last time he’d needed to, and it was exhausting him, taking everything he had.“Once we’ve got the bleeding stopped, I’ll get a cab and go home and I’ll let you be. I’ve tried to ignore the way I feel and it comes to nothing.I’ve fucked dozens of people hoping it was just tension and I’ve fought with you and had my cock sucked by you and nothing works.I just need to leave you alone.”

“What feelings, Bond?What do you feel for me?” Q demanded.

James was out of words, the momentum that had carried him through was gone.“It doesn’t matter.Let’s finish cleaning you up so I can go.Do you think you can stand?”

“Yes, but you have to tell me the rest or I won’t.You don’t get to lay all this down at my feet and then run away.”

“Are you the only one allowed to say no in all this, then?Is that what this is?I’m a good dog, one you can tell what to do and you’re to be my master?” James was tired.He was drunk.He’d laid out as much of himself as he could and he didn’t have anything left to go further and now was when Q would push, this was when Q was going to insist on hearing everything.His words were harsher than he meant them.

“You’re the one destroying my control over my own life,” Q snapped back.“You’re the one that just marched in and acted like he was owed everything I’ve worked so hard to keep to myself.You’re the one telling me what I can and can’t have and I won’t have it!”

“What, exactly, do you think I’m going to do to ruin your life?Tell someone?If I destroy your branch’s efficiency, what happens?I die.The other double-ohs and field agents?They die.England loses valuable resources.I don’t have anyone, but I will not see the country I’ve put my life on the line for over and over my entire adult life fall because I opened my mouth.You’re safe from me, no matter what I know, because M vouched for you.You could have a fucking tail and I’d never say a word to anyone because anything you keep secret is a matter of national security and I will not betray national security like that and I would never betray M like that.”

“Are you telling me she told you, then, and this has all been some kind of game?”

“No, you paranoid little shit, you told me.You told me that she protected you and I trust you, especially since I’ve seen one of the things she did because she cared about you.”

Q looked a bit like he’d been slapped.“She needed me.She didn’t care about me.There _is_ a difference, Bond.”

James shook his head.“She didn’t do things like that just out of necessity.She did things like that because she cared.Do you actually believe she needed me, me specifically, so badly that she’d ask you to help put me in the field prematurely?She didn’t do it out of a sense of duty and I knew it.Maybe you were still too new to recognize it, but she did it because if she kept me out of the field they’d retire me and she cared enough for me to let me have the chance to die in the field when I realized my mistake in coming back.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I broke into her personnel files, found out her name, found out where she lived and I broke into her home.Do you know what she did?”

Q shook his head, wide-eyed.

“She told me I wasn’t staying at her house and walked away from me.”

“You have very low standards of what constitutes caring.”

“She should have shot me, but she was too glad to see me.”

“That doesn’t mean she cared about me.”

“No, but I knew her.She trusted you, she wanted you safe.I won’t betray you, I won’t tell anyone anything.”

“What do I have to give you in return?”

“Nothing.”

“That’s not how our lives work.”

“Can you just stop with how our lives are supposed to work or how you’ve decided that yours works?Sometimes things happen and people act in ways that aren’t easy to predict.I’m telling you how I’m operating right now.”

“What happens when you’re angry with me or I haven’t done what you wanted?”

“So long as you haven’t turned on MI6, I keep my mouth shut and your life goes on as you built it. Even if I’m tortured.Your secrets are yours.”

“There are so many little things, so many ways you might slip up, things someone might notice.You seeing me like this, it’s a nightmare.”

James considered that a moment, then shook his head.“It would take something pretty large for someone to have any inkling that you’re… like this.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I’ve had my tongue down your throat and my hands on your body and I couldn’t possibly have guessed.Some tiny social cue isn’t going to give away your secrets.”

“It’s not hard to tell.”

“Q, you’re a very beautiful man, but you are very certainly a man, barring someone actually seeing you like this.You know that, right?”

“There are little things that give me away so easily.I work with spies.”

“Your tits do, when seen like this, but that’s it.There’s nothing that ever would have made me guess for even a moment.”

“My hips are too wide.It stands out.”

“It doesn’t stand out at all.I’ve had my hands on your arse and that was the last thing I was thinking about.”

“You don’t understand.”

“No, I don’t.I’ve done a little reading here and there, on computers no one could trace to me and I can’t understand any of this.I can’t imagine being like you.It doesn’t seem possible—“

“Oh, so you don’t believe me, then?”

“Of course I believe you, idiot.I never said I doubted you, because I don’t.I just can’t possibly understand it.The closest I’ve come to anything like this is probably when Moneypenny shot me and I wasn’t sure I’d get back the use of my arm and I’m intelligent enough to recognize that it’s not at all the same thing.”

Q looked up from the cat at James, searching his face for something.“You’re not being patronizing,” he said softly, some of the defensiveness draining out of him.

James shook his head.“I hope not.I don’t want to be, but I don’t know the rules here.”

“And you’ll follow any rules I set?”

“To the very best of my abilities, yes.”

Q looked back down at Lovelace, scratching her chin.“Let’s finish cleaning me up.You can stay the rest of the night.You don’t have to go running out, but just stay in my room, please.”

“Can we leave the cat out here?I don’t think it’s terribly sanitary to have her in the middle of wound care.”

“And yet you want to do this in the bathroom?”

“Yes?”

“Kitchen, Bond.It’s cleaner.Help me up.”

 

Morning came too soon and Bond stayed in the bed, sore muscles tight and bruised, until he heard Q get up.“Sorry, but how do you want to coordinate you getting dressed?” he called through the closed door when he heard Q walk past. 

“Let me come in there and get clothes,” Q said.“I’m afraid I haven’t anything to fit you.”

James opened the door and turned away from Q, heading for the window.“It’s all right.Yesterday’s clothes are in fairly good shape.I’ve worn them longer without a wash.”

“You were practically sweating pure liquor,” Q responded as he dug through drawers and his wardrobe.

“Not the first time and I honestly smell like less of a still than I usually do.I think I’ve lost my taste for drink a bit.Never thought I’d see that.”

“Careful, Psych will start calling you a testament to their services.”

“I’ll have to pick up a new vice,” James said, without turning his head.

“You’ve got plenty to pick from.”Q’s footsteps headed for the doorway and paused.“When you go shower, I’ll make us breakfast.I think we should probably talk.”

“About?”

“I’m not talking about it until I’ve had a shower and made tea.”He walked out the rest of the way, his footsteps disappearing down the hallway.

Something furry brushed James’ ankle and he jumped, looking down.It was Turing, the larger, fluffier cat.He scooped him up.“Your human is infuriating sometimes,” he said, petting the cat gently.The cat purred in response, his little body vibrating with it.James sat down on the bed to pet the cat and talk to him.It was oddly relaxing and he startled when Q came back and told him he could have the shower.

“He’s a snuggly little bastard,” Q said as he threw his pyjamas into the hamper.“Puts out heat like a furnace in winter and sleeps on your feet.He’s my favourite, but don’t tell his sister—she’d get jealous.”Q stepped into James’ space to pet Turing.“Eggs all right?I haven’t got much else in.”

“Eggs are fine,” James said, handing Q the cat. 

Q nodded.“Might be able to find something to turn them into a bit of an omelette, but no promises.”

“Whatever’s fine,” James said.“Are there fresh towels?”

“In the cabinet in the bathroom.”

James slipped past Q and into the bathroom. His shower was quick and perfunctory, but it left him feeling good, between that and the sleep.Even with the screaming fight in the night and the pain he had when he shifted body positions or sat down too hard, he felt better rested than he had in months.It was a shame he’d have to stay away from Q after their conversation this morning, give him the space he so clearly craved.It was a shame, because James really didn’t want to leave.He found himself lingering over dressing himself, buttoning himself up slowly and steadily to draw out the minutes before he’d find himself heading back to his flat.He’d have to stop and pick up some liquor on his way home.He didn’t think he had any.He’d have to fix that.

Still, there was only so long he could take to put on yesterday’s clothes, so eventually he had to head out into the living area of Q’s flat.Turing and Lovelace milled around his feet as he walked, nearly tripping him on several occasions and he wished he would have more time to teach them some manners.They seemed a bit spoilt, but sweet.

Q looked up from prodding something on the stove when James came in.“Oh, you’re already dressed?”

“Yes,” James said, uncertainly.

“Breakfast will be another moment or two.I had to stop to answer an email.”

“That’s all right.”

“I had some cheese.I’m afraid my bread had gone off, so it’ll just be eggs and cheese.”

James sat down so as not to hover and nodded.“I’m sure I’ll manage to survive.”

Q seemed nervous, flitting around to grab plates and looking ill-at-ease in his own skin as he got the food onto plates and made tea for them both.“Here,” he said finally, placing tea and eggs in front of James before grabbing his own food and sitting next to him at the coffee table.

James started eating, not sure what he should or shouldn’t say, not sure when Q meant to toss him out.The silence drew out, broken only by Turing sitting and crying next to Q, apparently begging for bits of food.Lovelace seemed a little better behaved and just butted her face up against Bond’s ankle insistently. 

“So,” Q said, finally. 

James turned just in time to see him feeding Turing from his fork.It sent a little shiver of horror down his back, especially when Q ate the rest of the bite of eggs seemingly without a care towards whatever lurked in his cat’s mouth.

“We really need to talk,” Q said, chewing.

“I didn’t think there was much to be said,” James responded. 

Q grimaced.“I think there’s more than I thought.I should really apologize for my hysteria last night.I was drunk and upset and stupid.Just because you saw… something I’d prefer not to think about, honestly, doesn’t mean you needed to see that whole performance.I have some residual issues regarding my appearance, though I largely have it handled.”His tone was matter of fact.

“I see,” James said, cautiously.He wasn’t sure what he was meant to say or what would fix the mess he’d made of things.

“You may have had a point when you said I passed pretty well.I suppose I do, though I wish I wasn’t trapped looking so young.”

“You’ll be grateful for it one day.”

Q smiled a little.“The woman at the grocery down the way always says that, too, when the high school girls flirt.I’m not sure I agree.”

“Yes, I suppose they are a little young for you.”

“And I’m not actually interested.”

“Not into women?”

“Very occasionally.Besides, I don’t do that.”

“Don’t you miss it, though?”

“A bit.I’m not…”Q sighed.“I suppose…I should talk about… Bond, if I ask you something, will you answer me honestly?”

“If it’s within my abilities, I will,” James said.

Q nodded and held a fork full of eggs down near the floor for Lovelace.It was an absent-minded movement while he was clearly thinking, formulating the question.“This is terribly awkward… but… the feelings that you were talking about last night.Are you… that is, do you… love me?”

The world seemed to halt a little, spin on its axis with the words.Answering seemed hard.It was like wading through something thick and sticky to come to a conclusion, because it wasn’t actually love, was it?It was lust maybe, or some kind of strange friendship.Maybe it was just a familiarity he rarely achieved, something that made him feel safe.Or maybe, just maybe, it was love.“I’m not sure,” James said, slowly.“I suppose it’s a possibility.”

Q looked away from Lovelace and moved the fork absently to Turing.“A strong one?”

James wasn’t sure, he really wasn’t, but he forced himself to answer as honestly as he could.“It might be.I feel things for you and they’re different.When I fall in love, it’s fast, like everything else in my life.”

“But this has been slow,” Q said softly.

James nodded.“It has.”

“If I toss you out and tell you not to come back, you really won’t?”

“With the exception of work-related issues, I’ll absolutely stay away.I didn’t mean to hurt you last night.I’ve never meant to hurt you.”

“You didn’t actually hurt me last night,” Q ventured.“I may have overreacted slightly.”

“Oh?”

“You’ve known for weeks now and… maybe I’m the one that changed things, not you.”Q kept slowly feeding the cats, the movements so practiced that James could tell this was a normal part of the morning routine.“I reacted poorly to so much of this.”

“I haven’t exactly been respectful,” James said uneasily, not sure what wouldn’t set Q off.It felt a little like defusing a bomb.

“Your language hasn’t been.Your questions haven’t been.But your actions have been, as much as I think you’re capable of.”

“I do have manners.My occupation isn’t everything I am.”

“Yes, but no one’s ever taught you manners about this kind of thing, I think.And you’re right.When I’ve said no and meant it, you’ve backed off.When I told you to keep your mouth shut, you did.And… the things you’ve said, most of the judgements you’ve passed have been more about safety and a lot of that’s been about misunderstanding things, I think.”

“Maybe.I told you I don’t understand all this.”

“I haven’t been fair about it.I’ve just chased you off and muddied things.”

“That’s your prerogative,” James said.“It’s your life.”

Q nodded and prodded at his eggs.He sipped his tea.He sat still.The quiet filled the flat, the walls seeming to quake under the pressure of it.“I want more out of life,” he said very quietly.“I think I’ve cocked things up just a little in the name of protecting myself, but I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Just take what you want,” James replied.“As long as it’s on offer, take what you want, try something different.”

“I don’t know…”Q shook his head.“There are a lot of good reasons not to.”

“Treat it like a mission.See what you can do to mitigate those.”

“There’s not much.Even if I were to strike out to find someone to shag, there are aspects of my physiology that are inherently unattractive.”

“I’m probably going to sound terribly rude here, but I think you’ve got an inflated sense of your own undesirability.”

Q looked over at him rather uncomfortably.“You’d disagree if you saw me naked.”

“I find that unlikely.”

“You’ve never seen me naked.”

James watched Q carefully a moment, then put on one of his more charming looks.“I wouldn’t mind the opportunity.”

“I don’t know if I can give that,” Q said, his voice small, almost childlike.“I want it.I love the idea of it.I’m not… not convinced I haven’t got myself at least halfway in love with you.But to actually reveal myself to you?I don’t think I could bear seeing revulsion.That’s not hyperbole, either.The idea of it makes my skin crawl the way wearing a dress used to.”

James reached out and very gently touched Q’s wrist.“I can’t promise I’ll like what I’d see.I don’t know what’s there or what to expect and I think I’d best keep from leaping to conclusions.”

Q hunched in on himself.“I understand,” he said, disappointed and miserable.He pulled his wrist away.

“No, don’t do that.Don’t pull away from me.I’m not saying I’d find it revolting.I’m not saying I’d even be disappointed.I just don’t know what to expect or where this might go or even how to…”James’ brain stuttered a moment and he shied away from ‘have sex.’“How to be intimate with you without hurting you.I just know, for whatever reasons, whatever emotions I have, I want you.”

Q looked up at him, something that might be hope dawning in his eyes.“I really can’t stand it if you’re disgusted by me.”

“I don’t think I will be.I definitely think that, if you can talk to me and tell me what to expect, it would go better.”

“You’d try?”

“I’ve been trying.I know I’m not terribly good at it, but I have been and I’ll only stop if that’s what you want.” 

“How can you still want me?”

James shrugged.“I just do.”There was so much more he wanted to say, but the words weren’t there.

“And you’re sure?”

“It’s the only thing I’ve been sure of since I read that stupid romance novel.”

“I still can’t believe you did that.”

“I thought you liked it.”

“You have such a low opinion of me, sometimes.”

“A high opinion, actually.I assumed you could see something in it other people couldn’t.”

“There’s nothing there to see.” 

James hummed agreement.“It certainly didn’t help me see what you wanted.”

“I just didn’t want you in my home.”

James looked around and smirked.“And yet.”

Q nodded.“And yet.”He was quiet a moment, collecting himself and straightening his spine.James waited him out and was rewarded when Q inhaled sharply, then spoke.“I’ve got… chest hair.Not a lot.But… I take a testosterone shot every ten days.It’s how my voice dropped and things.And so, I’ve got some chest hair.And that’s not good in combination with…” he trailed off, gesturing vaguely in a cupping motion at his chest.

James took this in, taking his time to picture it before he spoke.“An unusual configuration, but not a bad one, I think.Depending on your definition of ‘not a lot,’ that is.I’ve never been fond of lovers with a great deal of body hair.I like becoming acquainted with people using my mouth when it’s about pleasure and hair is unpleasant in my mouth.”

“It’s fairly sparse, but there.I don’t want to shave it or anything, though.”

“Shaving is honestly worse, when it comes to chest hair,” James said, making a face.“If one is going to remove chest hair, one waxes.”

Q raised an eyebrow.“Really.”

“I have a standing appointment, thank you.”

Q’s other eyebrow went up.“You do?You.”

“Of course.It helps set off muscle definition.My body’s a tool, don’t ever forget that.”

“Will you insist I wax?”

“I’ve never enforced grooming standards on any partner and I have no intention of beginning now.”

“What if I’m too hairy?”

“Then I’ll cope.Everyone has a few less than favourable features.”

Q was quiet, clearly thinking and getting himself ready to say something.He picked up his tea in both hands and clutched it when he spoke again.“I don’t actually have a cock,” he said, the words sounding like they were being drawn painfully out of him. 

That took James aback.“But I’ve felt it.”

Q’s knuckles whitened around his teacup and then, with a sharp nod to himself as if making a decision, he set it down on the coffee table and rose abruptly to his feet.He pulled open his belt, face grim and shoved his hand down his trousers.James stared, unable to look away, as Q yanked something out and held it towards him.It was pink and clearly cock-shaped, but made out of something flexible and not terribly flesh like.“It’s a packer,” Q said.“It’s fake.It’s no good for anything but filling out my pants and making me feel more comfortable.”

James looked it over curiously.“This is something I don’t think I actually understand,” he said carefully.“Does it make you feel better knowing if someone grabs you, they won’t find anything missing?”

“No, that’s just a side benefit,” Q said, his determined facial expression fading into something more awkward.“Imagine, if you can, that someone knocked you out and when you woke up, your cock and balls were gone.No actual pain, it had healed over, but suddenly you had to go through life with that part of you just completely missing.”

James must have paled or his expression of horror must have been particularly obvious, because before he could say anything, Q touched his shoulder.James tore his eyes away from the packer and up to Q’s face.

“Exactly,” Q said.“It’s maybe not quite the same for me, because I’ve never had one, but there are days when it almost physically hurts because it’s like a hole in me.This makes that a little more bearable.It warms to skin temperature and feels fairly real.You can… you can touch it if you like.”

“Are you sure?” James asked, not sure if he desperately wanted to or if he desperately didn’t.

“If you’re ever going to sleep with me, you’ll probably feel it.I… tend to wear it to bed.”

James reached out and touched it, a little tentative.It was a surreal experience, touching a person’s detached genitals and it felt intimate in a way sex didn’t.The object itself was soft, almost velvety.It couldn’t be mistaken for skin, certainly, but the give to it was reminiscent of a flaccid penis.The scrotum was a bit wrong, didn’t move under his fingers the way a real one would, but he thought it best not to mention this to Q.“Thank you,” he said softly.

Q shrugged jerkily, then drew back the packer and shoved it into his pants with a bit of a hip wiggle.It was an oddly attractive movement and James smiled at him a little.Q seemed to relax when he saw that.“See something you liked?”

“You look flexible.”

“I have to be.Certain people make me rebuild their cars from the ground up and it takes a little bit of contorting to get some of the bolts in place.” 

“I’d apologize, but I need to keep you in a job.”

“You do realize you aren’t the centre of MI6’s universe and that I have responsibilities that aren’t ‘rebuild James Bond’s equipment’?”

“Maybe.”

Q sighed and sat down.“You’re basically a line on my operating budget at this point.”

“What does that line read like?”

“Incidental damages.Some of your things also go under depreciative wear and tear.”

“I see.I was hoping for something a little more explosive.”

“That would only be incentive.You don’t need any incentive to destroy the equipment and nearly get yourself killed.You’ve got a natural talent.”Q leaned back on the couch, watching James.

James smiled and shrugged.“I’ve always been good at destruction.Never had a real talent for good explosions, though.I only manage them occasionally.I’m glad I’ve got you at my back to help with that.”

“Even if this doesn’t work out, you always will, barring my being fired or killed.”

“I’m going to do my best to make sure this works out,” James said, going serious.“I’m not exactly good at relationships.They don’t tend to end well for me.But if this even might work, I think you’ve got to try talking to me about things rather than shoving me away and getting angry.This is all new ground for me and I can’t cover it on my own without cocking it all up.”

“I’ll try.It’s not easy.I’ve never actually talked about all this.Not to anyone.”

“You’re going to have to start.And you’re going to have to be patient with me.”

Q pulled Turing into his lap and started gently carding his fingers through the fluff on the cat’s belly.“There are going to be times I can’t.That I honestly can’t, not that I don’t want to.”

“Why?”

Q pursed his lips.“Your shoulder still hurts sometimes, right?”

James didn’t follow and he answered hesitantly.“Yes, with some frequency, in fact.”

“But then there are days it feels all right?”

Lovelace, apparently jealous of her brother, launched herself from the back of the sofa onto James’ lap, startling him and distracting him from the question a moment.“Your cats are spoilt.”

“I know.There are days your shoulder feels all right?”

“Yes.Not today, today’s a bad day.”

“This, all of this, it’s the same.There are days I pile on layers of clothing and can’t bear to see myself in a mirror.There are days when just getting undressed at the end of the day is impossible because it hurts.Some days, it’s all right and I’m pretty normal and I come home, have a drink or two, put on some music and dance around my flat in my pyjamas.On the bad days, I’m not going to be able to answer you patiently or be terribly rational about this.So if I tell you to stop, you have to stop or this will never, ever work.”

“I’m not good at that.”

“You’re going to have to get better at it.”

“I’m going to need leeway to make mistakes.The jerking around isn’t something I can handle, not when I’m in the field.I was lucky the mission you weren’t talking to me for went according to plan or I might be dead.I can’t handle the distraction level that comes with you being angry at me, not anymore.”

Q looked guilty.“I didn’t mean to affect you like that.”

“Well, it has the potential to.I haven’t ever gone on missions with someone to come home to and it’s different, I don’t know how it’s going to affect me.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t.”

“It’s too late for that,” James said, petting the cat that had nestled down into his thighs.“I’m already attached.I just need you to stop acting like I’m the only one capable of fucking up.”

“I know you’re not.”

“Doesn’t matter what you know.It matters what you do.”

Q sighed and looked away.“I’ll do better.”

“Good.I can’t come home to you unless I’m alive.”

Q swallowed and nodded, keeping his eyes on a bookshelf across the room.“Just come home, do everything you can to come home, please.”

“I will.”

Q didn’t respond.

“Q.I promise.I will always do everything I can to come home.”

“Until the day you don’t.”

“Don’t do this.Don’t talk yourself into denying yourself something you desperately want, don’t start this all over again.”

Q nodded, took a deep breath, and turned to James.“All right.We do this, then.”He put Turing down on the floor and slid closer to James.“I really want this to go all right, because I really want this.”

“Me too,” James said, softly.He gently pushed Lovelace until she jumped down out of his lap and he turned more fully towards Q, reaching for his hand.He squeezed it gently when Q gave it to him.“You’re a genius.I’m adaptable.We’ll figure this out.”

“Yeah.”Q leaned in to kiss James.

James kissed back, but when Q pressed deeper, trying to get James to open his mouth, James drew back abruptly, a frisson of horror going down his whole body.He pushed Q back and shook his head, swallowing hard to keep from getting sick.It hit him in waves, his skin crawling with tactile memories. 

Q shrank away, his face gone cold.“This isn’t going to work.It’s not… god, I told you that much and you don’t—“

“It’s not you,” James snapped.“I just can’t, not after yesterday.”He was cornered, he couldn’t get out and it was bad, the helplessness coming flooding back.

Q inhaled sharply, eyes widening in horror.“Shit, Bond, James, I didn’t even think.”

“It’s all right.But I think I need to go.”That was what he needed. 

“What?”

“I need to get out of the flat.I need to go.”There wasn’t enough air, he needed to get outside, get out of the flat.

“Why?Because I kissed you?Did I screw up that badly already, just by forgetting for a minute?”

“It’s not you.It’s me.”

“I’ve heard that before!”

This was falling apart and James couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.Q was panicking, he didn’t want Q panicking, he knew that but his lips burned where they’d touched Q and the pain in his arse seemed to increase exponentially with every breath he took.“For god’s sake, Q, I need to get out right now.I need that.It’s not about you! I can’t massage your ego!”

“I thought you said you were all right,” Q said frantically. 

James got up and started for the door, the motion helping to stabilize his brain.“I am, but I need air.I’m going out.I’ll come back when I’m ready, but right now I need… there’s too much here.”

“Too much what?What can I change?”

“Q.Please,” James said, with as much delicacy as he could manage with one hand on the doorknob.“Please believe me that I want you, but right now I’m bruised and exhausted and I can’t handle more contact than we’ve had.”

Q was quiet a second and James turned back to him, but then he nodded.“All right.All right, okay.You’ll call?”

“Yes.As soon as I can,” James said, feeling as if the walls were closing in on him.“I promise.”He opened the door and burst out it, practically slamming it behind him in his haste to get out of the flat and down to the street.He stumbled, actually stumbled, down the stairs, his legs feeling uncoordinated and damaged until the rain outside hit him.The splashing on his face eased the memories, made him feel less helpless and suddenly his brain was working again.

He needed an umbrella, a drink and fresh clothes, not necessarily in that order.He needed to find somewhere to burn what he was wearing.He needed to find somewhere to fight someone and somewhere to curl up and be numb so he could cast off everything that was fucking up in his head and go back to Q.

He flagged a cab so he could go back to his flat and deal with the immediate concerns.The fight could follow the others and he thought he knew just where to find it.


	8. To Hold It There

James put the flask in the pocket of his peacoat and shook his umbrella before knocking on Moneypenny’s door.He knew full well she wasn’t home, but he hoped the boyfriend would be.He was pleased when he was rewarded by the door opening.

“James?” Sam said, frowning.“I didn’t think we’d see you back.Eve isn’t home.”

“Oh, I didn’t come here for her.I came to see you.”

“Why?”Sam instantly looked suspicious.James liked that.

“Because you don’t believe her about her job.Because you don’t believe I’m just some bloke in exports that got in a car wreck.Because you’re right about both of those.”

“What?” 

James smiled.“Call her.Ask her what she was really doing in Nigeria.Ask her why she never calls Quentin Quentin unless you’re confused.Ask her what the real address for her workplace is.”

“Are you saying she’s cheating on me?” Sam demanded, horrified.

“No, worse.I’m saying her entire life is a lie.I’m saying she’s a spy, Sam, and you don’t know anything about her beyond her name.Ask her about the time she shot me.”

“She shot you?You’re having me on.You’re drunk.”

“I am drunk.That doesn’t change the fact she shot me.Call her.Call her right now and tell her you know that and see what happens.”James smiled at him saccharinely. 

“You’re a liar.”

“I am, but I’m not lying about this.Just call her.I’ll be right here.”

“I trust her.I’m not calling her with this.”Sam slammed the door in James’s face.

James smiled and leaned against the door, listening.Sure enough, a moment later he heard Sam’s voice say “Eve?”His work done, James headed for the nearest pub to wait.He didn’t have to sit long at all, just three drinks, before a hand clapped him on the shoulder, nails digging into his scars.“Hello, Moneypenny,” James drawled.

“You had no right,” she snapped.“None at all.”

“I was doing you a favour.”

“How was that a _favour_?” she hissed furiously.“I’m going to have to get Sam a _security clearance_ or I’ll lose him.”

“It was never going to work if you couldn’t be honest with him,” James said, reaching behind him to grab his drink and toss it back.

“And what the fuck would you know about relationships?”She dug her nails in harder, wrenching him towards her.“Let’s go.”

“Want to have a repeat of Shanghai, then?” he asked, flirtatiously.

She started marching him out.“No, we’re going to have a fucking repeat of Istanbul.My fist will be playing the part of the bullet and I’m going to leave you bleeding in a bloody ditch.”

“Sounds like fun,” James responded.“We’ll follow it up with a nice shag and you can leave that tosser once and for all.”

She didn’t say a word, just dragged him out faster and pulled him into a nearby alley, where she immediately planted her fist in his face.She was good at it and it was perfect.It blinded him with pain for a moment and brought up his adrenaline.He went toppling backwards into a bin and he grinned and lunged at her.He was drunk, he always pulled his punches a little with women.He was really only fighting to keep her from seriously damaging him, so it didn’t take all that long for her to gain the upper hand and end up straddling his chest, one hand tight on his throat as he lay in a puddle in the alley, panting.

“The only reason I’m not actually killing you this time is because I know spending hours with Blofeld’s probably shaken you up,” she told him. 

“I’m fine.I just thought maybe you should have more truth in your relationship.”

“I just wanted one thing that didn’t belong to MI6, was that so much to ask?”

“We belong to MI6.You know that.Mind, body and soul.”

She pressed her hand tighter against his throat, choking off his air to shut him up.“We don’t.I don’t know what happened to you when you were with Blofeld, I don’t know what happened before that, but no one owns us.”

He curled his lip and shoved her wrist enough with both hands to get air.“Then quit.Go home and tell Sam you’ve quit and mean it.”

She punched him in the face, hard, turning his head to the side and leaving his lip split and bleeding.“Don’t tell me what to do.You’ve made a fucking mess of things and now I’ll be the one that has to clean it up.You’re always leaving other people to clean up your messes.I honestly thought that for once, just maybe, you were actually going to sort things out when I saw that the motorpool had dropped you off at Q’s, but of course not.What did you do, terrorize him until he tossed you out and then go out to destroy everything else you could touch?”

“I walked out so I wouldn’t hurt him.”

“Oh, wonderful, so you’ve ruined his life, too, have you?”

“I haven’t.I just had to go, because if he touched me again, I was going to hurt him!”

Moneypenny drew back slightly, obviously confused.“What?”

He shoved at her.“Let me up.”

She shifted her weight back, leaning on his throat but leaving him enough air to speak and using one knee to pin one of his hands.“No.You tell me what you mean.Did Q hurt you?”

“Of course not.”James looked away as best he could.

“Then what happened?Why the bloody fuck did you decide to destroy my life for fun?”

“It seemed a good idea at the time.”

“Why?”

“It just did.”

She squinted at him, thinking, then looked furious.“You wanted this.”

“I needed this,” he replied. 

“What happened?Just tell me, or I swear to god, I will beat it out of you.”

“Better men than you have tried and failed.”

“What, you got tortured again?”He took a swing at her with his free arm and she stopped him easily.“I don’t know how you manage to keep state secrets, you’re such a piss poor liar,” she snapped.“Just fucking tell me already so I can get back to work and deal with your latest mess.Or maybe I should just call Q and ask him why you thought noon was a good time to get drunk and fuck up my home.”

“Don’t you dare!”He bucked up under her and managed to flip her off him, preparing to take a swing. 

“Just how drunk are you?” she demanded as she took him down again easily in a fluid motion.

“Not nearly drunk enough.”

“Well, you’re done.You’re done drinking, Bond, at least for today, even if I have to tie you up and leave you here to make you sober up a little.”

He curled his lip and snarled at her.“Just let me go home.”

“You won’t.Even if I let you up, you won’t go home.You’ll just find somewhere else to go and drink until you end up in lockup.I’m going to take you back to MI6, throw you in a cell there until you come down off this.”

The idea seemed oddly comforting.It wasn’t home, but it was also safe and he nodded, going limp.“All right.”It was odd, he thought, as Moneypenny cuffed him and got him to his feet, that she suddenly looked more worried than angry.

 

The downside of lockup was a full medical workup.MI6 now knew what had happened to him, because the bruising patterns had made it fairly obvious to the doctors’ practiced eyes.They gave him some analgesics and told him to take it easy for awhile.The upside was the quiet.It was so quiet and James’ head stopped spinning.He could suddenly understand why a couple of his peers needed to be routinely tossed into lockup after tough missions, though he hoped that wasn’t to become his new protocol.Perhaps he’d needed it this once, but he had no desire for post-mission isolation to become standard.He hated the fact that he knew Psych was observing him, for one, and the idea of not being able to head into Q’s office was a problem, too.

They gave him a tablet with some films and books on it once Medical was done and then let him lay there.At one point, Psych came in and tried to evaluate him, something of an annoyance.He gave them pat answers and told them he needed a little rest and that he’d be fine.He wasn’t sure they believed him because he wasn’t outwardly hostile, but at least they knew his rebound rate for similar attacks, so they weren’t pushing as hard as he’d been afraid they would.He’d consumed enough media in his life to know how victims were treated and he wasn’t a victim, he was just employed.He told them as much before they left.

Time drifted slowly once Psych went and he slept fitfully, exhausted but unable to actually get real rest even with his brain slowed to a reasonable pace.He thought maybe he’d be able to sleep if he could go back to his flat and lock himself in, but it seemed unlikely that they’d let him out on his own any time soon.They all knew his habits, though, so he supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised when Q showed up to see him, pausing at the cell door to do something to the keypad—it wasn’t hit numbers—before letting himself in.

James sat up.“You know I’m in here for a reason, right?”

“I know Eve has scarcely a bruise and that you both ran from me and stayed away from civilians when you needed to become violent.It all could have done without the underhandedness, but I think you managed to control your _self_ -destructive streak admirably this time.”

“You’re still angry.”

“Yes, I went to work this morning after you walked out on me and got called away from interviewing a promising programmer so Psych could interrogate me, only to find out that you’d firebombed Eve’s life.Of course I’m angry.”

“How angry?”

“Angry enough, but I’m still taking you home.”

“What?”

“Your profile doesn’t lend itself to sitting here, but they can’t let you go alone.Apparently they noticed some anomalies in your test scores and mission outcomes and traced it back to me.They’re convinced we’ve been in a relationship for over a year and they’ve asked me to take a couple of days to get you back on track.”

“Anomalies?”

“The likelihood of you committing suicide by mission had dropped to less than ten percent and they increased the likelihood of you making it to retirement to seventeen percent, apparently.They also removed you from the addictions watch list.Don’t worry, this little escapade has fixed all that.They just happen to think I’m the bloody cure and M’s on their side, so I’ve found someone to watch Lovelace and Turing and I’m to take you home for a few days and keep you there.In an emotionally calm environment.”There was a tightness around his eyes and lips.Q wasn’t happy about any of this and James was worried about what that meant.

“Why do you need a catsitter?”

“Because we’re going to your flat.”

“We are?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Don’t question me right now.I’m being effectively tossed out of my department for the remainder of the week to monitor you for destructive tendencies and my home isn’t conducive to that.Now get up, I’m taking you home.”

“Aren’t they meant to discharge me?”

“More then likely, but I’m not going to sit around here and wait for that.I’m not planning to hear the rumour mill go into overtime in person.”

James stood and brushed off his sweats.His suit had been ruined by the puddles and the blood from his split lip, so there was a little piece of him that was glad he was going home to where his full wardrobe was.“All right.”


	9. Seen Beyond Yourself

James had never been one to dwell on shame, but the stark, empty disaster of his flat was like a slap to the face and he realized at the front door of his building that he didn’t want to bring Q into it.He’d replaced the missing couch with a chair he thought was heavy enough he wouldn’t pull it down on top of himself if he ever fell again, but it still looked bleak and abandoned.

“I don’t have any food in.We should go get some,” James said, trying to stall.

Q gave him an unimpressed look.“I’ll call to have some delivered.I want to put my bag down.”He hefted it on his shoulder.

“I could take it for you.”

“You’re injured.It’s more than a few bruises, Bond, I did hack your medical files.The range of motion in your shoulder alone is enough that you’re not carrying anything around until they let me go back to work.Now unlock the door and let’s get settled.”

James did as he was told, unhappy about it but not feeling up to a fight.He headed up the stairs and unlocked that door, ushering Q in and flicking on the lights.The flat was bleak and dusty and he thought, idly, that he should probably hire someone to come by and clean for him if he was going to be away so much, but there was no one he could trust.His bedroom had a deadbolt, after all, and a little piece of him was ashamed that Q would see that.He couldn’t bring himself to look at Q for his reaction.“Bathroom’s down the hall by the bedroom.You’ll need my keys to get in there.You can have the bed.”

“And where would you sleep?” Q asked, walking over to set his bag down in the newer chair.

“It reclines,” James said, as he locked the door.

“The chair?”

“I’ve slept in the other one before.I’ll be fine.”

“You should really try to get some decent sleep,” Q said.“I can take the chair.”

“You carry tension in your neck and shoulders.I can see it when you work.You’ll be a mess if you sleep in a chair.”

“I will,” Q agreed easily.

“And the bedroom’s better protected, you can have your privacy.”

Q pulled his laptop out of his bag and his movements were jerky.“I don’t need privacy right now.”It obviously cost a lot to say that, because he didn’t even look at James.“If your bed is large enough and you’d be comfortable, there are options that don’t require anyone to wake up in pain tomorrow.”

James considered it, then nodded.He didn’t want to insult Q, but he wasn’t sure if either of them were ready for that. “If you’re sure,” he said.

“We’ll try it and see what works.Tell me if it doesn’t.”Q opened the laptop.“What’s your wifi?” he asked.

“I don’t have any,” James responded.“Not beyond what’s on my phone.”

Q looked pained, but nodded.“All right.I’ll get food delivered.Take stock of the cupboards and let me know what you want, would you?”

James did what he was told, moving numbly towards his kitchen.Everything was starting to feel off kilter again, though not the way it had before he’d gone to Moneypenny’s.It was more like a strain, pulling at him and making him uncertain about his own place in the world.He didn’t like it, not when he knew he wasn’t going to be able to leave the flat for several days. 

It got worse with each passing hour, starting from the moment that the food arrived and Q quietly and meekly began putting it away and fixing them tea.It got worse with every quiet comment, every way that Q set himself to keeping things peaceful and calm.It got worse as Q set about tidying things, taking care of the dust.It got worse when Q started streaming old movies to try and distract them.It got worse when Q kept to his chair and tapped away on his keyboard, his typing going slower every time James looked at him, as if he was trying to erase himself from James’ presence.Neither of them were built for peaceful calm.James thrived on madness, on chaos, on survival.Q was an anchor, never so stable as when he was surrounded by a dozen lines pulling him in different directions.

It was worse than the spinning had been, in its own way.It was like Q had been replaced by some kind of doppelganger and it made James second guess where he was, who he was with, if he’d already broken everything.It made James sick.He couldn’t stand it and he started trying to work through it with some basic calisthenics, but every movement sent pain through him and sent him reeling in a different direction that he had to pull himself back from and send himself back into the quiet, uncanny mimicry of Q’s presence.

Midnight came and went, Q changing into pyjamas around eleven but apparently leaving his binder on before taking up his place in his chair again.James couldn’t stand it any longer as he watched the moon crawling through the sky and he stood up irritably and started rifling through the cupboards.Behind the tea that Q had so carefully placed on the shelf, he found a bottle of gin, forgotten there in most of his drinking binges since he didn’t actually like it straight, and started tossing it back.

Q looked up at him, worried.His eyes were large in the dim light of the lamp he’d turned on as he worked, his eyes almost black in the murky room.“Bond?”

James stopped, mid swallow, and lowered the bottle.“What?”

“I’m not convinced alcohol is the answer.”

“Neither am I,” James admitted.“I just know this isn’t working.”

“What’s not?”

James gestured with the bottle, splashing a little out onto the floor.“All of this.The quiet.You tiptoeing to make sure you don’t set me off.This isn’t how we do this.”

“All right.What do you want from me right now?”

James shook his head.“I don’t actually know.I just know it’s not this.”He drew a hand over his face and then through his hair.“This flat is driving me insane.”

“You’re not cleared to leave it.”

“I know!”

“So what do you want to do about it?”

James paced back and forth, almost drinking the gin three, four, five times, but lowering his hand just before he could each and every time.He didn’t want the alcohol.He didn’t want everything spinning out of control.He didn’t want the soft edges the liquor would bring, couldn’t bear the soft edges that everything seemed to have acquired just with Q’s careful, tentative care-taking.Suddenly, it hit him and he stopped, mid-step, and started rifling through his cutlery drawer.He dug out knives from the disorganized jumble, tossed forks and spoons in the sink.

Q rose from his chair and headed over.“What are you looking for?I’ll help.”

“No, don’t,” James snapped, then he found it, in the back of the drawer and pulled it out, relieved. 

“Is it a note?” Q asked, trying to get a look at the piece of paper.

James shook his head.“Go to the bedroom.Just trust me for a few minutes, let me handle this and then I’ll join you.”

“You can’t leave.”

“No, I know that.I do.Just let me handle this.I can fix this.”

“I don’t know what you’re fixing.”

“Take your laptop and give me about twenty minutes, half an hour at the outside.I know what I’m doing.”

Q looked uncertain as he picked up his laptop and clutched it to his chest.“You won’t leave?”

“No, I swear I won’t.”James dug his keys out of his pocket and stalked off towards the bedroom to unlock it.The bed was, mercifully, mostly clean, and he snatched some of the pillows he tended to use when he needed to sleep semi-upright due to injury and piled them in the middle of the bed.“Come on.Go in there and let me deal with this.”

Q sighed, padding in.“Please don’t drink yourself into doing something stupid?”

James contemplated the bottle in his hand, then strode through to the bathroom, the movements almost feral, and he upended the bottle into the sink, letting the alcohol pour out.He was in clear view of the bedroom.

Q’s eyebrows shot up.“Bond?”

“Trust me.You’ve done it before for far more dangerous things.”

“All right,” Q nodded.“I’ll stay in here and give you a little time.But in half an hour, I come out.”

“That’s fine.”James watched Q step into his bedroom and he closed the door.

 

It took the full half hour and a few more minutes besides, but Q was true to his word and didn’t come out, didn’t bother James at all, even when there was a knock at the front door.James was pleased and it relaxed something in his chest.Q trusted him, just that little bit and it meant the world right then.He carefully opened the door, carrying a paper bag of curry and rice, complete with plastic forks.“Q?”

Q was clearly half-asleep and he startled, blinking, as he sat up from the pillows.“Yes?”

“Working lunch?”He held up the curry hopefully.

Q blinked at him, looking noncomprehending.“It’s the middle of the night.”

“I know, but we’ve had lunch at ridiculous times before.”

Q took off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes.“And right now, you want lunch?”He put his glasses back on and searched James’ face, eyes flickering over him, trying to figure out what came next.

James nodded, nerves gripping him.If Q couldn’t go with this, this was all going to fall apart, so quickly, because James couldn’t handle how false this all was, how far it felt from what it was meant to be.He found himself clenching the bag convulsively.

“All right,” Q said softly.“Let’s have lunch.I hope you got something I like.”

“Chicken tikka,” James said, unloading the bag onto the bed.“Do you have a quiz for me?”

“I don’t have a spare tablet.”

“Then I suppose you’ll need to put it on my phone.”

Q sighed and there was a hint of his usual frustration, an edge that made James feel just a little more human.“All right.Give us a moment.”He descended on his keyboard like a virtuoso pianist, his eyes closing and his mouth softening, his face relaxing with the cadence of his fingers flying over buttons.

James opened his vindaloo and started eating, the food finally filling the hollow that had come and gone, constricting and growing, over the past couple of days.The heat on his tongue hit in just the right way and when Q finally handed him his phone, James sank back into his pillows, leaning his head against the headboard to complete it.The tension flowed slowly from his soul, the rhythm of Q’s fingers on his keyboard comforting and calming.He was drifting off, maybe even asleep, when a gentle touch on the back of his hand startled him awake.

“It’s all right,” Q said softly.“I put away the leftovers.We need to sleep.”

James nodded.“Yes.”

“I’m going to put some pillows between us and we’ll see how this works out,” Q said, flipping back the blankets.He laid out a couple of pillows and then climbed in.

James looked over at him.“You’re still wearing your binder,” he said softly.

Q winced.“You noticed.”

“You said it was dangerous.”

He sat up and hunched over forwards.“It’s more dangerous when I’ve been drinking, and I haven’t.”

“But it’s still not good.”

“No, it’s not,” Q said, sighing.“It’s just… hard.Voluntarily showing you that, it’s not easy.”

“I know.But it’s dark and you’re there and I’m here and I’ve already seen it.I won’t be able to sleep if I don’t know you’re safe.”James reached for his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.“I need you to be safe or I’ll spend the whole night listening to you and I think I really need to sleep.”

Q blew out a long, slow breath, and looked over at him.“Okay.”

“Do you want me to go out to the hallway while you do this?” James asked gently. 

“If we’re going to work, I have to be okay doing this in front of you or it’s all just going to fall apart.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to do it now.”

Q pulled off his glasses and put them on the bedside table.“Yes, it does.Like pulling off a plaster, right?”

“Whatever you need.I don’t need this right now.”

Q stood and turned away so he was nearly all the way turned from James, but James could still see a little of the profile of his chest and he carefully, slowly, unbuttoned his shirt, apparently focussing heavily on each button.James wasn’t actually sure if it was because he was focussed on them or because he couldn’t see them terribly well.He pulled off the shirt and carefully set it on the side of the bed and then he was just wearing something that looked like a vest.He pulled it up and his fingers moved quickly down the side of his chest, the motion reminding James of unhooking a bra.Suddenly, the swell of Q’s breasts was obvious and it seemed incongruous with James’ vision of Q.Once freed of Q’s undergarment, his breasts seemed to want to make James question everything about Q, and he shoved that down.Q pulled the item of clothing over his head and sighed, then reached for his shirt.

“Do you mind if I see?” James asked. 

Q hesitated.“I don’t know.”

“I’m so bruised I don’t want anything further, but I want to know what you look like, if it’s all right,” James said.

Q reached for the light, freezing a moment before turning it on. 

James looked him over carefully, looking for the things that Q was convinced would shove James away.Q’s breasts sagged slightly, though it was well within the realm of typical female shape.They were indeed smattered with a sparse shock of dark hair, some of which circled Q’s nipples.It wasn’t so much that it bothered James and he thought it wouldn’t be so bad at all.There were red creases nearer Q’s armpits, where it looked like some kind of seam had rubbed him, and James was possessed of the urge to smooth some kind of soothing lotion on that, to look after Q. 

“Does that hurt?” he asked gently.

Q frowned, then looked down at himself.“Oh, that?No, not at all.It does feel sort of… nice to release everything but it doesn’t hurt anymore than pillow creases.”

“That’s good.Otherwise I’d have to cast aspersions on your engineering abilities.”

Q laughed, clearly taken by surprise.It was the kind of laugh that James associated with relief, though it wasn’t the hysterical kind.It was beautiful and bled all the tension out of the room in a way nothing else had.It revealed the faint beginnings of crow’s feet in the corners of Q’s eyes and made him look just a little older, in a way that settled something in James’ stomach.

“Laugh all you like, if you couldn’t engineer a painless undershirt, I’d wonder what I was doing with your tech in the field.”

“Mostly throwing it at the local fauna, from what I’ve been able to ascertain,” Q said, still smiling. 

James leaned over the pillow barrier and reached for Q, wanting to draw him in close and soak in his presence and good humour.He was so appealing, so beautiful, so alive and James wanted to experience every part of that, to drive everything away except his flat and Q.

Q hesitated a moment before he leaned in.There was a moment of searching James’ face, his gaze slightly unfocussed in a way that James hadn’t ever seen properly but that also appealed to James.It was a sign of humanity, a reminder of Q’s frailties and how far he was from the hard, bloodied reality of James’ life.He leaned into it when James carded a comforting hand through the unruly mop of Q’s hair and his whole body seemed to relax.

James kissed him, feeling almost reverent.There was warmth and life and beauty and it was everything that he needed in that moment to feel all right.It was a shallow, tender kiss, neither of them daring to risk shattering the spell that seemed to be softening the edges of reality by trying for anything more.James felt almost bashful when he drew back and it drove him to pull Q in for a long, firm hug.He couldn’t tell if Q liked it or not, but it was something James hadn’t properly indulged in for longer than he could remember.Even as he tried, cast about for sense memory that would tell him when last he’d hugged someone and it not been about him controlling or even killing them, the only thing that came to mind was the faint, foggy memory of his mother’s perfume as she crouched to wrap her arms around him and this hug was nothing like that.

Q finally pulled away, the movement slow, almost reluctant. He kept gentle hands on James’ forearms. “Bond?Are you all right?You’re trembling.”

James frowned and drew away fully, looking down at his hands and wrists.They were trembling, just a little, but it was perceptible.He didn’t like it and he clenched his fists and drew them down by his sides, squaring his shoulders.“I’m fine.”

Q was quiet, eyes flickering around, watching James and taking in his person.Finally, he shook his head.“No, you’re not, and that’s all right,” he said softly.“You’re in your own space and there’s no one here but us.You’re safe.”

“I’m never safe,” James answered automatically.“Safety is an illusion.”

Q reached out and took James’ right hand in both of his, gently holding it.“You’re as safe as you can be and I’m here.I’m here and anything that happens between us without anyone else around, it’s ours.We won’t give it to anyone else.You keep my secrets, so I’ll keep yours, even when your hands shake.”

James tensed, intending to take his hand back, but found that, even though he knew Q couldn’t possibly hold him if he tried to withdraw, he didn’t have the strength to take it back.He wanted to fight.He wanted to argue.He wanted to protest.He couldn’t.There was nothing to fight or argue or protest.He didn’t want to escape Q, didn’t want to run from him.He wanted to be with him, where he was, and drink in the feeling of home.“I think,” he said slowly, “that I would like to get rid of the pillows in the middle of the bed.”

There was a sharp, soft intake of breath from Q and his eyes darted back and forth, taking in the way their hands linked, the pillows, the room.His voice was oddly calm, his mission voice, when he spoke, and James realized with sudden clarity that Q’s calm voice in his ear, the one he obeyed now without question, the tone of it was borne of Q’s coping mechanisms to hide scarcely controlled panic.“What does that mean, to you, right now?” Q asked.

James reached out with his free hand to cover one of Q’s, so they were linked.“It means I want…”He trailed off, unsure how to articulate it.

Q waited for a few beats, then his voice came again, the familiar, safe one that James expected in his ear when things got stressful.“007, answer.”

It was hard.James had never had the urge for this before, had never wanted this, not without sex.Even when he managed to find the words, saying them aloud sent alarm running through him as if he was breaking some kind of unbreakable rule, some kind of law of the universe, but he finally just launched himself at them so they fell out of him in a dead-toned rush.“I want you to hold me while I sleep.”

It was obvious that Q hadn’t expected that answer in the slightest.His eyes snapped directly to James’ as if watching for the catch, for a trap, for James to announce he’d been kidding or to lash out at him.When none of that happened, however, Q nodded and responded in that same calm tone. “All right.I’m going to put my shirt back on.You move the pillows.” 

Q’s consent calmed James and he busied himself with putting the pillows in his closet and getting himself arranged under the covers.Q was slower to move across the bed, almost hesitant, as he crawled under the covers and edged towards James.Rather than wrapping himself properly around James, Q rested a hand on his arm and settled his head onto the pillow.

It wasn’t going to work if he did that, it was only going to make things worse.Touching while sleeping was an all or nothing scenario.Either James’ bedmates could sleep in full contact with him or sleep on the other side of the bed in isolation from him, but a gentle touch like that, even at the best of times, would keep him awake and, if he fell asleep and Q’s hand twitched, possibly end explosively.Talking about all this was impossible, though, and James slowly wriggled backwards into Q.

As they got closer, Q slid his arm along, fortunately, until he had his arms wrapped around James, one over top of him and one along the edge of the pillow, under James’ neck.It was easy to tell from his breathing alone that he was nervous.He wriggled a little, his legs moving around and his torso twisting as he apparently tried to get comfortable.

James looked back over his shoulder at Q.“You haven’t done this before,” he observed.

“No, I haven’t,” Q admitted.“Mostly the people I’ve slept with have wanted to do this to me.”

“Your limbs are ridiculously long, that can’t have made much sense.”

Q huffed, something a little bitter.“I slept with a lot of people who were either taller or more masculine than I was.They tended to treat me like I was breakable.”

“Compared to most civilians, you’re not.”

Q pressed his face against the place where James’ neck met his back, neatly hiding his face from James’ field of vision.“Keep in mind, my prior bedmates thought me a woman.”

“You’ll have an easier time with it if you get a little closer,” James advised, rather than trying to respond to what Q had just said.“My back will let you relax your abdominal and back muscles, let you rest against me.”

Q was quiet, laying there with his breath warming James’ spine, his forehead pressed against James’ skin.He didn’t move for a painfully long time, long enough that James wondered if Q was just going to ignore him.Q clenched and unclenched his fingers in the only movement that let James know Q wasn’t simply drifting off to sleep.His hand relaxed, finally, and he wriggled in closer, pressing his body against James’.

Until Q was pressed against him, there had been a part of James that wondered if it would be more like sleeping with a woman or more like sleeping with a man.It was very obviously sleeping with a man, the planes of Q’s body harder and the fine hairs on his arms coarser than those of a woman.There was, of course, the slight softness of Q’s breasts, but Q wasn’t all that well-endowed, so it was a negligible difference from sleeping with a slight man.Q was apparently wearing his packer and the soft press of it against James’ bottom felt no different than that of any other flaccid man.James pulled Q’s arm tighter around him, bringing it around his chest and forced his breathing to even out.

Q’s breathing took a little longer to even out.His nerves took what seemed a very long time to fade and his exhaustion was palpable when they did.He slipped suddenly into sleep, his breathing hitting the soft, slow, evenness of deep sleep just seconds after he had sighed in a way that made James think perhaps Q was having insomnia.Q falling asleep made James wake up a little as he tried to take in every detail he could with his back turned to him—the number of seconds between breaths, the flutter of his pulse in his wrist, the tickle of air over James’ back—but then he timed his own breaths to Q’s, letting that become his entire focus the way he would if he was going to shoot someone over a long distance.

The next thing he knew, it was morning and Q was drooling through James’ t-shirt and across his shoulder blades, utterly insensible.Marvelling slightly at the fact that he had managed an entire night’s sleep without a single nightmare, a feat he rarely achieved, James began the slow process of trying to extricate himself without waking Q.He needed to deal with an insistent bladder, but every movement he made seemed to make Q clutch at him just a little harder.He really didn’t want to wake his quartermaster, especially since he was fairly certain that Q’s sleep had been minimal since James had gone missing in the first place.There were little indicators, things he’d picked up as he’d spent more and more time in Q-Branch, and it made part of him wish he didn’t know, because then his feelings would be deniable.

Be that as it was, however, James desperately needed to get up, and so he wriggled free of Q’s arms and shoved a pillow in place in the hope that Q would continue to sleep and wouldn’t, in fact, wake.His hopes were shattered when he came back and found Q blinking myopically around the room and patting the mattress contemplatively.

“You’re awake,” James said, unable to keep the disappointment out of his voice.He stretched out stiff, sore limbs, trying to chase away some of the aches in his body.

“Yeah,” Q said.“I thought you’d gone.”A yawn nearly split his head in two and he blinked at James as if unable to tell if it was really him.

“Just to the loo.”

“Good.You’re not allowed to leave.Mallory’d have my head.Oh fuck, Mallory thinks about my sexual preferences, I didn’t need to know my boss does that, even if he’s not the one that hired me.”Q’s voice was rougher, less posh, when he was half asleep and not showing any indications that he was actually planning to come further awake than that.James wondered where he was actually from, what his natural accent might be if one took him apart and left him breathless.

“Every boss I’ve had since I left the Navy has known my sexual preferences.It doesn’t bother me,” James said, shrugging and sitting down on the edge of the bed.He gave in to the urge to run his fingers through Q’s hair.

“That’s never bothered you?”Q pressed his head into James’ hand like a kitten, drawing the blankets up around his neck like he had no intention of ever moving out of his nice, warm cocoon.It was endearing.

James kept stroking Q’s head in an act of idle affection that felt like indulgence.“At first I suppose it seemed a little strange, but before too long, it faded into the scenery.I see so many things out there.I have people telling me who to shag, when to shag them and listening while I do it.There’s no detail of my life that’s just mine.My boss knowing what I like just makes it more likely that I’ll get missions that are compatible with my desires.”

Q opened his eyes a little wider, turning his head to look at James without disturbing the pattern of James’ petting.“Do you get a lot that aren’t?”

“The ones that end like this last one,” James said, frankly.“There are always others, too.I showed you the pills they give me.Sometimes I’m just too tired or not in the right place to enjoy it.But other times, it’s all I want.I fuck out the adrenaline and it keeps me sane.”

“That first time you kissed me?” Q asked, sitting up a little and finally dislodging James’ hand. 

It took a second, but James got what Q meant, he thought.“Adrenaline fuelled.”

“Not anymore, though?”

James shook his head.“Not for a long time.I mean, I wouldn’t object when my blood’s up, but it’s not my primary concern.I’d rather spend time with you.”

Q sat up all the way.“All right.Well, what do you want to do today, then?”

“Are you actually awake?” James asked.

“As awake as I get before the generous application of caffeine to my system.”Q yawned widely enough that James actually heard his jaw crack.

“I take it you need a lot of that?”

“Three to five mugs of tea usually does it, or a couple shots of espresso if I’m in a rush.”

James’ eyebrows shot up.“Just to get you moving?

“I play with the cats while I drink it.So I’m moving, it’s just a bit of a shuffle.”

James picked up Q’s glasses and handed them to him.“Do you want tea?”

“Mostly, I want about another twelve hours’ sleep.My sleep debt is ridiculous,” he said mournfully and shifted so he was actually leaning against James as he slid his glasses on.

“With a caffeine addiction like that, I don’t wonder.”

“I effectively live on caffeine and adrenaline, just like the rest of the service.”He rested his head on James’ shoulder, pressing the top of it against the side of James’ neck in a movement that James thought was entirely unconscious.James was fairly sure that Q wouldn’t be so free with what James could only see as affection if he’d been more awake.

He was finding he liked Q when he was half-asleep.He put an arm across Q’s shoulders experimentally.It was nice.“We could try sleeping some more?” he suggested.

“You wouldn’t sleep and I’d fret that you were up getting into trouble,” Q responded.“I’m responsible for you, apparently.”

“You are my quartermaster,” James agreed. 

Q hummed.“I don’t recall this being in my job description, but I find I don’t mind.It’s… nice.”

“You seem to enjoy the touching.”

Q pulled back abruptly and James instantly regretted his words.“Sorry.”

“It wasn’t a problem, just an observation.When was the last time someone touched you?More than a handshake, I mean.”

“Eve likes to hug me sometimes when she’s drunk.You kiss me whenever you like.My cats are usually on me if I’m still long enough.”Q shrugged and started to get out of the bed, his posture defensive.

“You need more than that, I think,” James said.

Q looked over at him.“I don’t want to argue, so I’ll say this just once.Don’t pity me for my choices.I made them and I stand by them.”

James stood, shrugging.“I don’t pity you, I’m offering to help.”

Q started for the bedroom door, speaking as he walked.“Then say what you mean, don’t imply things about my life.”

“I’ll start some tea while you shower,” James said, watching him go.


	10. Gain the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fic has not got longer, I just realized I miscounted the chapters when I was dividing this. Sorry!

“What did you do on your recent leave?” Dr. Applegate asked, watching him carefully from across the table.They’d given up on the word associations and Rorschach tests two requalifications ago and now just questioned him.They called it conversation.It was a step down in James’ opinion.He was, after all, trained to resist interrogation.

“Sat in my flat, occasionally in my pyjamas.Ate takeaway.Watched a few films.”James shrugged. They were nearly forty minutes into an hour long ‘discussion’ and most of it had consisted of James sitting and glaring or answering in monosyllables as the psych attempted to question him about his childhood and recent months on the job. 

“And it helped with the issues you were having when I saw you in lockup?”

“I was in full control of my faculties.”

“I suppose you were when I spoke to you.”

James nodded his agreement. 

“Your judgement has improved since the events that led to you being detained?”

“Of course.”

“You’ve attempted to make reparations?”

“My interpersonal relationships are none of your business.”No, he’d made no attempt to make reparations.Mostly, in fact, he had stayed as far from Moneypenny as he could, though rumour had it that her boyfriend had been in to see Mallory while James had been away.He was taking that as a sign that the world would repair itself and everything would be okay in the long-run.

“You don’t need to tell me any details of those relationships.I’m just asking about your recent actions towards the people involved in the incident.”

James stared at the doctor silently.He didn’t blink, to make it as awkward as he possibly could.The psych department always moved on if he did that long enough.It didn’t fail him.

“I understand the quartermaster assisted in your house arrest?”

“That’s a matter of record.”

“Did you speak to him of your experiences with Blofeld’s men?”

“There’s nothing to say,” James responded. 

“He wasn’t curious?”

“I can’t read his mind.”

“Then let’s talk about that.How are you recovering from the assault?”

“It wasn’t an assault.I was just doing my job.Physical damage is a risk that goes along with that,” James responded, leaning back in his chair, eyes unmoving.

The doctor, to his credit, didn’t flinch.He just looked down at his notes and then glanced back up at James.“How is that healing?”

“According to expectations.”

“I’ve never sustained injuries of this nature.Are you nearly back to normal?”

“As close as it should be at this stage.”

“Are you looking forward to being fully healed?”

“Of course.”

“How’s your sexual function, presently?”

James raised an eyebrow.“That’s rather direct, isn’t it?”

“You seem to respond best to direct questions.How’s your sexual function?”

James rose to his feet.“Why, do you want to give me a ride?” he unbuckled his belt, staring fixedly into Applegate’s eyes, though his eyes were starting to water.He’d need to blink soon.“I’m afraid you might be disappointed with the aesthetic effect, but everything works as it should.”

“That won’t be necessary, Mr. Bond.You’ve achieved an erection?”

“I’ve carefully avoided it.Applying internal pressure to bruised penile tissues has never been a particular kink of mine.”

“Was Q understanding of your needs?”

James would have given that an unequivocal yes.The days he’d spent in isolation with Q had been excellent and they’d begun to find some kind of balance between attacking and defending, tiptoeing and stomping.It wasn’t easy, every inch of common ground seemed to be hard-won but every successive inch came easier than the last one.It actually seemed like they might get somewhere, eventually, though James hoped they’d never be locked in together again.Of course, there was no way he was telling Psych that, it was his and Q’s and he’d promised not to reveal any of Q’s secrets.“It’s his job to anticipate my needs.He’s my quartermaster.He performs his job.”

“Are you saying that your relationship is entirely professional?”Applegate flipped through his notes, making a show of it.

James saw an opening and he took it.“I’m saying that the nature of this particular relationship remains private out of respect for Q’s feelings.”There, evidence that he wasn’t a sociopath.It ought to satisfy them enough without giving anything away.

“You’ve discussed his feelings?”

“I may have implied that, yes.”

“Without giving away any of his secrets, do you feel a connection to him?”

“Why, are you jealous?Did you think we had something special?” James asked, crossing his arms and making an amused face.

“I think our time’s up, Mr. Bond, but another session this productive and we’ll be able to start talking about getting you back in the field.”Dr. Applegate closed his notepad.

James stood.“Same time tomorrow, then?”

“Yes.And the day after.”

“Maybe we can play with the pretty pictures tomorrow,” James suggested.“I do love abstract art.”He headed out, pulling out his mobile and dialling. 

Within three quarters of an hour, he walked past Q’s main desk, waving a bag of takeaway as he headed for Q’s office.Q took very obvious notice and waved at some of his underlings.James scarcely had time to set down the food before Q came in.James closed the door as Q entered and pinned him against it, kissing him hard.

Q was stiff a moment—all their kisses since James had lost it after questioning Oberhauser had been shallow and tentative, few and far between—before he wrapped his arms around James and went with it.He kissed back with abandon, letting James seek whatever it was he was looking for.He met James kiss for kiss, letting James nip at his lips and tongue.

James lifted him, intending to lift him to the desk and that was when Q put his hand on James’ shoulder.James set him down, all the tension going out of his body, and stepped back.

“What’s wrong?” Q asked. 

“Nothing.”

Q stepped out from between James and the door, heading for his desk.“I hate it when you lie to me,” he said. 

“Psych is throwing up road blocks again.I’ll be able to pass medical in a day or two and I’ve already made sure to have my range and strength tests recorded.I’d like to get back in the field sooner rather than later.”

Q dug into the bag of food, pulling out chips, and sat down behind his desk.“Then perhaps you should try actually talking to them.”

“I can’t,” James responded.

Q searched around in his desk drawer for a fork without looking up.“Why not?” he asked.

“We’ve moved onto the part where they interrogate me about this thing between you and me.”James sat down in his chair. 

“That sounds vexing,” Q said mildly.

James noticed the detachment in Q’s voice and worried that he’d done something to offend him.In their time stuck in James’ flat, Q had taken to doing that rather than getting angry, lashing out or running away.It worked fairly well since James was better able to follow his lead and they got things figured out more easily.“I didn’t tell him anything.”

Q looked up at him.“I never said you did.It sounds like something that would be intensely frustrating given the restrictions I’ve put on you.”

“It’s not about that,” James said, getting up and pacing around.“I don’t want to tell them.I certainly don’t want to answer their probing questions about whether or not our sex life’s been affected by my being raped or whether or not I’ve ‘achieved’ an erection, as if it’s difficult.”

Q gave him an odd look, a chip poised halfway to his mouth. 

“What?”

“That’s why you kissed me like that.Did it work?”

“You stopped me before I had a chance.”

“I thought you were still bruised.”

“I am.”

“Then why put yourself through that?”

James stalked back and forth.“Because then I can give them the answer they want and if they double check with you, then you can verify it and we all go on with life.”

“I see,” Q said.

“You think I’m lying.”

“I think that the accusation that you were impotent upset you.I don’t blame you, of course, it’s not exactly something one enjoys.I should know.”

James shot him an unimpressed look.“You’re not impotent, you’re just differently built.It’s not the same thing.”

“Not quite, because you have the potential to achieve and maintain an erection.I never will.I am permanently impotent, you’re recovering from injury.”Q kept his focus on his chips, eating slowly and carefully without even pulling out one of his tablets.

“I could get one now.”

“I’m sure you could.”

“Then come here and help me with that.”

“Not at work.”

“You said the door was soundproof.”

“It is.It doesn’t change the fact that I am not having sex with you at work.”

“Who said anything about sex?” James asked.“I just wanted you to get me hard so you could report back to them when they inevitably check with you.Apparently they think you’re well-adjusted.”

“Broke into my files, did you?”

“Of course.”James grinned.“You’re incredibly well-adjusted, according to them.”

Q smiled back.“Yes, well, my branch can’t afford to have me take the time off if I ever fail a psych eval, so I’ve become particularly good at seeming engaged and concerned with my surroundings without seeming obsessive.”

“So you lie to them.”

“Yes. My keys are in my bag, would you be so kind as to go to mine and pick up the cats?”

“Excuse me?”

“Their carrier is in the left hand side of my bedroom closet.If you put treats in, they’ll walk in on their own, no need to worry.There’s food and toys for them here, I just need the cats.”

“You want me to bring your cats to MI6?”

“Of course.”Q was finally opening up programs on tablets and laptops.“I’m going to be here for the next two or three days, at least.”

“Why?”

“Florida’s exploding, both figuratively and literally.We shouldn’t let field agents on American soil.Access to firearms is far too free there, but no one ever listens to me and so Florida catches fire and Disney mourns another attraction.Our agents should never be permitted unrestricted access to guns.”

“And you want your cats in Q-Branch why?”

“They stay here when I take long hours.Normally, I keep their carrier here so no one has to do more than stand at the door and call them, but I forgot to bring it back after I got them home from Tanner’s.”

“Your cats stayed at Tanners while you were at mine?”

“Of course.I couldn’t leave them here without me, they’d chew cables.Everyone else is far too soft on them.”

“I see.If this is a regular thing, how come I haven’t seen them?”

“Oh, they like to nap on the server banks.It’s warm there, so mostly they sleep out of sight and only come out when someone has a moment to entice them with food or toys.It’s the only way I get away with it, really, Mallory isn’t a fan of them.He’s allergic.”

James tucked away that bit of knowledge in his head.It might just be useful for getting out of long meetings.“So all I need to do…”

“Is go pick up the cats.

“Why me?”

“No one else is allowed inside my flat.I can’t abide people snooping through my things.Since the carrier is in the closet, you’ll have to go get them.”

“What makes you think I won’t snoop?”

“You want me to trust you, which gives you suitable motivation not to.”

James couldn’t actually argue with that.He did have some motivation.“All right.”

 

 


	11. Are you one of them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two just don't know how to fight, do they? Sorry!

Things seemed very domestic over the next few days as James found himself roped into the tasks of herding cats, both literal and figurative.In between bouts of hostile staring at various members of Psych, he found himself being told imperiously to feed cats, feed techs, find techs, put techs to bed, and find cats as the three day timeline stretched out into five with no end in sight.He refused on principle to scoop the litter pan.It lacked the adrenaline James was used to and there was far too much time where he was forced to sit and watch other people work.

“Looking for a job as Q’s chief of staff?” Tanner asked as he leaned on a desk very near Q’s and watched the carefully controlled chaos of techs scrambling around as a ball of swamp gas exploded on a satellite image to the right of Q’s command centre.He handed James a beer.

James took a sip from it.“Hardly.I’m just keeping busy while I’m grounded.Better access to the training facilities and if I ingratiate myself here, they might give me extra toys when I’m finally allowed out again.”

“I don’t think Q seems the type to give preferential treatment,” Tanner said.

“You haven’t seen him with his cats, then.”

“The fork thing?” Tanner asked.

James looked over, startled. 

“He feeds them from his fork, haven’t you seen?He did it while you were being shot at last time.It’s disgusting.”He turned his head to watch as a tech flung his hands over his head in frustration when one of the junior field agents shot an alligator with what appeared to be a rocket launcher.The alligator blew up spectacularly, as seen over a surveillance camera from a nearby tourist place and one of the other techs cheered only to be silenced by something thrown at his head from Q’s work station as Q continued speaking urgently into an earpiece.

“Oh, yes.It really is…Tell me alligators aren’t endangered?” Bond said, watching on the screen.

“I think that might have been a crocodile,” a nearby tech said.“And they _are_ endangered.”

“I wouldn’t be on the ground there for anything,” Bond said smugly.“I always get into far more trouble for killing endangered animals than for killing people.”

“That’s because you’re a menace,” Tanner replied.“I don’t know how Q puts up with you.”

“With ill humour and occasional fits of something like rage.”James peeled at the label of his beer bottle idly.

“It’s amazing you two have lasted so long.I always thought he was married to his job.”

“He is.We both are.”James put a final tone on it for the sake of any techs that might be overhearing, though he was fairly sure they were all busy with listening to things over headsets.

“We all are, in the end,” Tanner said, sighing.

“Trouble with the missus?”

“Could say that.I don’t think we’re far off from divorce and every time I stay here waiting to be needed rather than going home is another step in that direction.”

“Don’t get maudlin, Bill,” James said.“There are techs I haven’t managed to herd into a shower for at least forty eight hours, I’ll make you stand in their corner if you get maudlin.”

Q turned, tapping his earpiece.“Bond, stop insulting my workers’ hygiene where they can hear it or I’ll have you escorted off the premises.”

James ducked his head in acknowledgement and took a long pull off his bottle. 

Tanner chuckled.“Oh, he’s tamed you, hasn’t he?” he teased quietly.

James glared out of the corner of his eye.“I’m not an animal to be tamed, but even if I were, it would take far more than him to do so.”

“We all know that he made you send the gift basket to Moneypenny,” Tanner said.“He’s got you tamed.”

“I haven’t any idea what you’re talking about,” James said, carefully riding the edge between sarcasm and sincerity.This was the first he’d heard of any gift basket and he needed information.

“Right, because there are so many people who owed her extravagant apologies this week.”

“Given how often people underestimate her, I’d wager that there actually are rather a lot.She’s strikingly competent,” James responded.

“Not many of them would apologize with fine wines and a gift card to your favourite local restaurant.I think it worked, she’s mostly forgiven you since things went so well when M let her give a little more information to the boyfriend.She’s not interested in having your testicles for earrings anymore, at least.”

“That’s good,” James said.He was going to have to talk to Q, because he had a feeling he knew the actual source of the gift basket.“My testicles wouldn’t flatter her at all.”

Tanner opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off when three different buildings exploded at once and a whole series of monitors went dark.Techs erupted all over the place, some victorious and others irritated.A couple of the ones that James hadn’t managed to herd into the break room for naps sat down.Turing leapt down from the top of a server and began meandering through the room.

Q went rigid a moment, speaking rapidly, then relaxed, said something with a faint smile, took his earpiece out and turned to the room.“Mission accomplished, albeit not without significant damage.All of our agents are coming home and we have four surviving prisoners for questioning.”The cheers that went up were tired and faint but joyous.“Anyone who’s had less than eight hours out of the last forty-eight, go home.Those of you who’ve had eight, your shift ends in ten hours when they all get back.Normal rotations begin in twenty four hours, barring crisis.”He bent over to pick Turing up, looking out over the room.His eyes caught James’.“Good work, everyone.”He turned back to everyone else. “I’ll be in my office for the next four hours in case I’m needed for the extraction, but don’t bother me unless you need to.After that, I’m taking a day off.”

There was a murmur of agreement from around the room and Tanner pushed off from the desk. “I’d best be getting home, then,” he said. 

James nodded.“Yeah.”He drank back the rest of his beer and watched Q go to his office.

“You’ll look after him?” Tanner asked. 

“Might just go home,” James said.“The real work’s done, now.”

Tanner looked disbelieving.He dropped his voice down low enough to avoid anyone overhearing.“You love him, though.Aren’t  you going to make sure he’s all right?”

“What we do or don’t do is none of your business.I don’t answer to you or anyone else, not on that.”

“Never took you for the type to be so private,” Tanner said. 

“Never took you for the type to be such an interfering gossip,” James replied quietly as techs milled about so chaotically he was certain they couldn’t hear.“Leave us alone.”

“I’ve known him longer than you have,” Tanner said.“He hasn’t dated since he’s been here, not even before he took the position and he’s not all that good with people.You need to be careful with him, and I know you haven’t been.I know you’ve made a mess of everything at least once and you can’t do that.He matters, Bond.Maybe no one else does to you, but he matters to us and if you ruin his career or upset him badly enough he ruins us, you’ll pay.I’ll make sure of it.”

“What is it the Americans call this… a shovel talk?Really, Bill?”

“He’s our best hope to change with the times and not all end up with a mess like Denbigh again and, frankly, he’s a better man than you’ll ever be.So you look after him, look after yourself, and don’t hurt him, all right?”

James sighed irritably, setting down his bottle and shoving himself upright.“Fine.I’ll pretend you strike fear into my heart and we’ll go our separate ways.Now why don’t you go clean up your own house before you tell me how to keep mine.Try taking the wife out to dinner, it might be a start.”He turned on his heel and headed over towards Q’s office, where Lovelace was pawing at the door to see where her human and brother had gone.He carefully opened the door and herded her through.She darted straight over to the cot James had set up for Q in the office the first day and leapt up to stand on it next to Q.

Q was busy getting his shoes off, his hands shaking.“Are people going home?” he asked quietly.

“Yes.”James knelt down in front of him.“Let me help.”

“I’ve got it,” Q said, fumbling his shoelaces.

“You’ve been awake for almost three days straight and you’re crashing off so many stimulants it’s a wonder you’ve been upright for the past two hours.”James pushed Q’s hands aside gently.“Pet the cats and let me help you.”He untied Q’s shoe and started gently working it off.

“I’m just so tired,” Q said. 

“I know.I didn’t realize just how hard you worked when things like this happened.”

“You’ve been here, helping out before.”

“Not like this.I didn’t stay.I just dropped off a bit of food here and there, nothing more.This was something different.You were like the best field agents I’ve worked with.”

“Your point?”Q drew Turing up into his arms as Lovelace climbed into his lap, purring loudly.

“I think I owe you an apology for our first meeting.”

“I’m so tired I can barely remember it right now.”

“Then let’s get you laid down and get you some sleep,” James said, standing up and brushing a hand through Q’s hair.“Get your binder off.”

“I don’t take it off at work.”

“You need to.I know you said it’s not so bad when you’re sober, but you’ve abused your body badly enough that you might as well be drunk right now.”

“My branch might need me for the extraction.”

“I’ll guard the door and be the only one to come in.” 

“And if you get ordered away or need a toilet break, someone might see me.”

James cast about the office and his eyes lit on an abandoned cup of tea.He picked it up, ignoring the stink of whatever mould had begun to grow in it and letting a plan come together.He poured it over Q’s leg, careful to miss the cot itself.

Q jumped up, dislodging both cats.“What the hell?” he demanded.

“Take off your trousers.”

“Well I’m going to have to, that’s been there nearly a week!” he exclaimed, stripping them off furiously.“How dare you?These were my last clean pair!”

“I know.Give them to me, I’ll take them out to get cleaned and tell your people they need to page your desk phone because you’re in nothing but your pants.Then you can take your binder off and you’ll be safe even if I’m away from your door.”

“You could have told me that before you dumped that slop on me.Lovelace, oh god, don’t lick it up!Bond, wipe up the mess!” he said, scooping up his cat. 

James did as he was directed, using Q’s trousers to mop up what little tea had made it to the floor.“I thought you might refuse.”

“Of course I would have.”

James wanted to strangle Q, just a little, but instead just got to his feet again.“I’ll take these out now and let the branch know to contact you via phone.I’ll keep guard outside for added protection, just promise me you’ll take off your binder?”

Q nodded, setting Lovelace down on his desk and starting to unbutton his shirt.His fingers fumbled over them as if he couldn’t feel the buttons and he stopped to take his glasses off and rub his eyes. He’d gotten used to varying states of undress while he’d supervised James’ house arrest. 

It loosened something in James to know that Q was all right with undressing in front of him, gave him something like a sense of safety.He couldn’t remember the last time that a relationship hadn’t felt like danger.He draped the trousers over his arm and stepped in closer.“Here, let me help.”

“My shoes were one thing, my shirt is entirely another,” Q responded, shoving his glasses back on and making another attempt.His whole body had started to tremble with the effort to stay upright and his eyes were practically shutting as he tried to make the buttons work.The only thing that had been keeping him awake for hours had been adrenaline and now it was leaving him.

James covered Q’s hands with his own.“It’s all right.I won’t try anything.You’re too tired for that and when I finally have you, I want to hear you beg me, not have you pass out halfway through.”He kissed Q tenderly, ignoring how terribly Q’s breath stank after so much tea and so long without brushing his teeth.He drew back slightly, keeping his hands on Q’s.“And if you can’t get your shirt off, you’re not going to manage the binder, so stop fighting me and let me undress you.”

Q sighed and leaned his head forward against James’ cheek.“I’m so tired and I really hate dexedrine.It always makes me lightheaded and once the headache sets in, it feels like I’m going to throw up.”

James pulled Q’s hands onto his shoulders and started unbuttoning Q’s oxford.“It always bungs me up,” he said.“But enough liquor afterwards counteracts that.”

“You take much larger doses than I do,” Q pointed out, leaning a little heavier against James, one thumb stroking the side of his neck gently.

“You took rather a lot, especially given you weigh about half what I do.”James took one of Q’s hands and started sliding his sleeve off down his arm, kissing his shoulder softly.“I’m going to get you undressed and laid down and once you wake up, you’ll feel so much better.Everyone will be extracted by then and we’ll get you and your tiny demons home and you can sleep yourself out.”

Q’s breath hitched as James worked his shirt the rest of the way off.“I’m so tired,” he said brokenly.“I’m so, so tired and I wish you’d stop telling me what to do.”

James shushed him gently and slid a hand up his side, under his undershirt, looking for the hooks.“I’ve got you.You’re going to be all right.”He’d been right about the hooks, they worked pretty much the same as bra hooks, but there were a lot more of them.Fortunately, he had a lot of practice with bras and he made quick work of them.

Q took a deep, shuddering breath and seemed to deflate, stumbling forward against James, who caught him easily.His whole body was limp and he hung there, just breathing.Each breath was something like a gasp.

James stroked Q’s ribcage gently. “Is this normal?Do you need medical?”

Q shook his head.“No.I just need to breathe.It’s not the drugs, it’s the binder.It restricts my breathing, just a touch, but I haven’t had it off since…I’m not sure.It’s usually fine, though, just this was too long.Having it off feels… good.”

“All right.”James considered everything, all his options, then scooped Q up and carried him over to the cot.He lowered him onto it gently and tugged the binder off over Q’s head.Q didn’t resist, just leaned into James’ touch, moving where James put him, even when James laid him back against the pillow.“You’ll really be all right if I leave you?”

Q nodded, curling on his side.“Don’t think we won’t be talking about the way you keep telling me what to do,” he murmured.

“Don’t think we won’t be talking about the fact that I’m pretty sure you left that _thing_ on when you were napping,” James responded. 

“Shut up,” Q hissed, Lovelace leaping up to settle down right in front of his face.

James sighed.“Sleep well.”

 

 

It was pouring rain, beating down sun and the cats were yowling in the back seat of James’ car as they drove back to Q’s place.It was a terrible combination and he already had a headache, but of course, Q was still tired enough to be cranky and insisted on adding to the cacophony with his anger. 

“I can’t believe you stripped off my clothes at _work_ ,” he snarled as they drove.“Do you have any idea how risky that was?”

“Yes, I do.It wasn’t risky at all.The way you were breathing, you probably would have died if I’d let you sleep like that!”He accelerated the car, pulling into the wrong lane to pass someone going annoyingly slowly.

“I can take care of myself, 007.I’ve been doing it astonishingly well my entire adolescence and adulthood.”

“It doesn’t show!You’re too thin and I’m fairly sure you drink nearly as much as I do,” James snapped, swerving to avoid an oncoming car.“You don’t sleep enough and you sleep with a piece of clothing on that could kill you!”

“All right, I’m not great at looking after myself, but I do know my limits and, unlike some people in this car, I don’t actually have a death wish!”

“And yet you tried to go to bed with that damn thing on!”

“I was exhausted and couldn’t even get my fucking shoes off.I was crashing off of more stimulants than I took during exam week in Uni and I was renowned for teaching myself an entire course-load in three days!”

“You’re not exactly inspiring much confidence in your ability to take care of yourself.”James swerved down a side street to avoid flashing lights behind him.He didn’t need police assistance and he really hoped Q hadn’t noticed them.He didn’t much fancy the idea of getting yelled at for attracting police attention with his driving.

“I was younger and stupider and the drugs weren’t my idea this time anyway.”

“It doesn’t change that you drink too much.”

“Oh, okay, we’re going to discuss drinking problems?That’s rich coming from someone whose hotels have, on multiple occasions, billed MI6 for cleaning the vomit out of the rug, isn’t it?”

“We aren’t talking about me.”

“I don’t have a drinking problem!”

“You keep liquor on your bedside table and you can keep up with me.”

“I will fucking get out of this car if you don’t shut your mouth,” Q snapped.“Stop trying to control my life!We’re barely even dating.You are in no position to lecture me on my life choices!”

“I’m rather invested in your continuing survival, so I’d think I am!”

“What’ll it be next?Will you tell me I need a heartwarming reunion with my parents to find mental equilibrium?”

James snorted.“No, they sound like morons and they’re beneath you.”

“Then stop acting like you want to be my parent!”

“I don’t, I want to be your—“ James’ brain stuttered, because none of the words coming to mind worked.Boyfriend sounded stupid, partner sounded political.He thought Q would probably punch him if he said lover. 

“Take two rights, then a left if you want to escape the police,” Q said, looking out the back windshield, then turned back to James.“You want to be my what, Bond?My nanny?My auntie?”

James swerved again, irritation flooding him in waves as the cats yowled louder and the tyres slipped on the wet pavement.“I love you, you idiot!”He took the right as his chest clenched.

Q went silent, gaping at him from the passenger’s seat.He stared, then turned towards the back of the car.“Augusta Ada Byron King Lovelace, Alan Mathison Turing, shut up and let me think!” he snarled.Both cats went mercifully silent almost immediately, even as their carrier slid when James took the second right.The sirens started to fade into the background.

James kept a tight hold on the wheel, knuckles turning white and his jaw clenching.He hadn’t meant to say that aloud, hadn’t meant to even examine that feeling properly, but now it was in the open, not hidden away.He wanted to take it back, to turn back time.He couldn’t.Short of blowing up something, there was nothing that was going to keep him from having to discuss this with Q and neither of them was running on enough sleep for it.

“Do you mean that, or is it just a line to control me?” Q said, finally.

James focussed on avoiding a collision as he took the left and then brought the car down to a speed that hopefully wouldn’t attract any further attention.It gave him the added benefit of time to think about his answer.“I’m not trying to control you,” James responded finally.“I’m trying to keep you alive.You do the same for me in the field.”

“It’s my job to keep you alive and tell you what to do.”

“Then it’s in my best interests to keep you alive.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.Did you mean it that you love me?”

“Does it make any difference?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” James said, his voice going flat and dead as if he was on a mission, trying to give nothing away.

“Don’t you dare pull that,” Q snapped.“I know you’re frightened but—“

“I’m not afraid.”

“You bloody well are.You think I don’t know what you sound like when your back’s against a wall and you think you’re going to die?Feelings won’t kill you, you know, contrary to what your upbringing would have you think.Just tell me if you meant that.”

James glared out the front windshield and wished he dared run the red light that was coming up.They were so close to Q’s flat, but not close enough.“Yes,” he hissed, feeling like someone had stabbed him. 

“Was that so hard?”

“You have no idea.”

“It’s not like I asked you to shoot yourself.”

“No, I’m much better at that.”

“I don’t understand, you already admitted you had feelings for me.Why’s this so hard?”

James practically floored the car when the light changed, keeping his mouth shut and his eyes fixed on the road.The rain was stopping and the sun shining off the pavement was nearly blinding.One of the cats was starting to make questioning trilling sounds that would no doubt come back up to a yowl.He wanted a drink and to be anywhere but in the car.He would have taken an actual firing squad.

“Bond?”

No response, he couldn’t.

“James?” Q eventually said, softly.“What’s wrong?”

“The life expectancy of a double-oh is incredibly short.You don’t want me to love you.”

“You’re lying.I always know when you’re lying.”

James turned in his seat, just enough of his attention on the road ahead to keep from crashing at this pace.“Fine.The life expectancy of anyone I love is incredibly short.”

“Are you really taking the dinosaur route?‘All my friends are dead?’” Q asked, astonished.

“Not my friends.The people I love.Except Madeleine, but I think I didn’t actually love her.I think I loved the idea of her.Everyone else, though, they’re all dead.That’s what comes of loving me.”

“Don’t be so stupid,” Q responded.“You’ve made a couple of poor relationship choices.”

“I loved Hannes Oberhauser.I loved my parents.I loved M, in my own way.I was married once, she died too.And then—“

“Yes, Vesper.All those people died and I know it’s horrible and it traumatized you—“

“I’m not traumatized.”

“Oh, you fucking well are.You bleed PTSD instead of blood, but that’s besides the point.The point is, the past doesn’t determine the future.You’re not doomed to watch me die if you love me.”

“That’s a bit rich from someone who thinks a good fuck will ruin their life.”

“I had reason to believe that.Just because you somehow manage to live outside of the bounds of every single social norm doesn’t mean it’s ever been safe for me before and it doesn’t mean that what we’re doing is particularly safe for me, either.”

James huffed, pulling into a parking spot near Q’s building.“It’s perfectly safe.”

“Not if you do things like leave me naked in my office, it’s not.”

“You needed—“

“I needed to take my binder off, yes, but I would have survived with it on.”

“I only left your office door long enough to take your things to the motorpool and have them take them out for a quick clean.I was only gone for a few minutes!I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“That’s the problem, James.You respect my ability to do my job.You trust me to keep you alive.You don’t trust me with myself and you need to.”The irritation and anger had gone from Q’s voice and the sadness and exhaustion actually seemed worse.

“I do.”

“You don’t.Do you think you can learn to trust me to at least know my own boundaries?I mean, I can accept that it might take time and I actually very much appreciate the support you gave me and my branch this past few days, but I need you to trust me to be able to know what I need as it pertains to my own body and my clothing and my well-being.”

“I’m not trying to tell you what to do.”

Q sighed and reached over to touch James’ arm very gently.“No, you’re trying to protect me from myself because you’re afraid and you’re going to have to work on that, but we can get through it.”

James grunted in return.He didn’t want to work on it.He just wanted Q to be all right and to stop being reckless with his own health.He wanted Q to be safe.He didn’t want to lose Q to something stupid because he was pretty sure that losing the thing between him and Q was the last thing he could take.Losing Q would break him and he didn’t want to say that aloud, even to himself, but it seemed true and terrifying.Q was home and he couldn’t lose anymore of those.

He pulled his arm away and got out of the car, slamming the door.With an intensity that shook the entire vehicle, he pulled open the back door and picked up the cats in their carrier, refusing to so much as look at Q.He slammed that door, then, and stomped over to the front door of Q’s building irritably.He fidgeted as he waited for Q to let them in, something Q did with a demeanour that on anyone else James would have called meekness.With Q, he knew better. 

Q was a manipulative little shit in his own way.He was learning, rapidly, how to push James’ buttons, how to get a response out of him.More importantly though, he was learning how to calm the responses he didn’t want.He could step inside of James’ defenses, get him to talk about something, then step back out and wait for James to build them up and it was both maddening and relieving.Maddening because James didn’t like anyone having that kind of knowledge about him.Relieving because James was a trained killer and with that came certain responses that he didn’t want to repeat on Q.No, Q wasn’t meek, he was just ducking his head and staying out of sight long enough to let James calm down.

They stayed quiet, aside from the stomping of James’ feet on the stairs, as they climbed the three stories to Q’s flat and Q unlocked his door.They stayed quiet as James carefully set down the cat carrier and let the cats out.They stayed quiet as the cats milled about, hopping up onto furniture and sniffing corners.They stayed quiet as Q took his hand and led him to the bathroom.They stayed quiet as Q washed his face and brushed his teeth and slowly clawed some fragments of his humanity back from his exhaustion. 

“I need a shave,” Q said, glancing at his haggard face in the mirror.“But I’m too tired.”

“I sort of like the slightly bearded look on you.Makes you look a little older so I don’t feel like your grandfather.”

“You’d hate it the moment you spent any time touching it.You’re a complete hedonist,” Q said, turning to go to the bedroom.“It’s not soft enough for you.”

James followed him.“That might be true.”He felt a little off-kilter when Q did that, abandoning an upsetting conversation to move along to something calmer and more neutral.It worked, though, so James wasn’t going to complain.He began undressing for bed as Q pulled out pyjamas for himself.“Are those TARDISes?” James asked, staring.

Q looked at them, then smiled.“Yeah.Secret Santa last year, one of my techs got them for me.They’re so soft.” 

James hummed quietly.“Hurry up and put them on so I can have a feel, then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It should be noted that binders are not likely to leave you gasping for breath unless you abuse them. In Q's case, we're talking about wearing it for basically a week straight without any proper break and being utterly exhausted to the point of near-collapse from sleep deprivation. His binder is based off my binder (one of the most comfortable models I've ever worn, actually) which means that, when he's bound, most of his breathing comes from the diaphragm. It's not actually good not to be capable of a full inhale for a week!


	12. All Within Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here be sex, but we're not done yet.

James had always hated waiting for a lover to wake up.It was a personality flaw, he knew, and one that, early on, had actually cost him a few missions when he got up and started doing things before the mark was ready to be awake or when they’d woken up alone.That being said, he was almost positive that Q would dislike being woken up much more than he’d dislike waking up alone and there was the fact that Q would need to eat when he awoke.James decided that the best course of action was to lift Q’s keys and go out to get breakfast ingredients rather than risk tripping over the cats and shouting.

By the time he got back, fed the cats, put away the groceries and showered, James was feeling like this was all something more than it was, but fortunately Q was stirring, so he was able to put himself to work actually cooking the food.The scent of bacon was apparently an effective stimulant, because James hadn’t finished cooking it when Q came stumbling out, squinting to make out what was going on without his glasses.James presented him with a cup of tea that he hunched around like a starving dog.“Feel better?”

Q grunted and slurped at too-hot tea.The sound went down James’ spine like a spike, but he suppressed the shudder in favour of going back to the stove. There was peace for a few minutes, until Lovelace leapt up onto the counter and attempted to put her face into the frying pan.Then there was a scuffle as James scolded her and put her down, only to find her back a second later.

Q laughed.“Oh, she does that.It’s why I don’t cook much.”

“She’s a spoilt little shit and she’s going to burn off all her whiskers if she’s not careful,” James grumbled, setting her down on the floor.As he turned back to the stove, Turing leapt up to investigate.James picked up both cats and marched off to the bathroom, where he locked them in.

Q gave him a shocked look.“Did you just _lock up my cats_?”

“Yes.”

“They’ll be so upset!”

“They won’t have their noses burnt off.”

“They’ll pee on something.”

James rolled his eyes.“Then I’ll clean it up.I’m not cooking cats for breakfast, Q.I’m cooking food.You should be proud of me that I recognize the difference between pets and food.”

Q grumbled under his breath and drank more tea.He was adorably mussed, with his hair sticking up in every direction and his scruffy face.When James finally took over the food, he couldn’t resist kissing Q, who swatted him away.

“I haven’t brushed my teeth, I must taste terrible.”

“You taste better than you did yesterday.”James went back to the counter for his own food.

Q didn’t respond, his mouth occupied with eating rapidly while making some rather sensual noises.What was less sensual was the way he overfilled his mouth and broke up the whole thing with slurps of tea.James wasn’t sure if this was endearing or just horrifying, but he was rapidly leaning towards endearing.He stifled the urge to tell Q to chew, having a feeling that it might upset him again, even though Q’s swallowing was actively audible.

Eventually, Q slowed down his eating a little and looked over at James questioningly.“Bond?”

James pointedly chewed and swallowed what was in his mouth.“Yes?”

“What day is it?”

“Saturday.”

“You’re sure?”

James nodded.“Yes.I picked up the paper while I was out.”

“All right.”Q shoved himself upright and grabbed a small box off one of his bookcases.From it, he withdrew a syringe, some wipes and a little bottle.He dropped his pyjama pants, sat down, and pulled up the leg of his shorts to expose his thigh.

“What’s that?” James asked, though he thought he knew.

“Testosterone.I’m about three days late and that isn’t helping my mood.At least I haven’t gone all weepy.”He set about preparing the injection, drawing the syringe very close to his eyes so he could make out the dosage.

“Should I have reminded you about it?”

“No.This is my responsibility.I want you to leave it alone, no matter what.”

Something about the way that Q said it made James think this was a test.He wasn’t sure exactly what Q was testing, but he needed more details on the matter.He needed to know what the consequences were of his actions, whether Q’s feelings were more important or his health was more important in this case.“What if you’re ever hospitalized?”It wasn’t an unreasonable thing to worry about in their line of work.

“I’ll take care of it,” Q responded.“If I’m incapacitated, it won’t be hard for the doctors to sort out my physiology.”

“What happens if you don’t get it on time?”

“Not too much, actually.If I’m just a couple days late, sometimes it messes with my emotions, causes mood swings.If I went too long, which is highly unlikely because I can’t imagine circumstances wherein I’d lose track of time for long enough, I’d begin to lose muscle mass, probably start bleeding, things like that.”He injected himself in the thigh with practiced ease.

“Bleeding?” James asked, visions of some kind of clotting problem dancing through his head.

It must have shown on his face, because Q laughed delightedly as he pulled up his pyjama bottoms.“Yes, Bond, bleeding.Like I did every month before I began testosterone.”

“Oh.”That was such a strange idea, the mental image of Q doing something so biologically female.It didn’t square with his perceptions of Q, not even after having seen his breasts. “So, you don’t do that anymore, then?”

“No, not in years.It’s such a relief.”Q was putting things away, now, and going back to his breakfast. 

“I can only imagine,” James responded, watching.He wasn’t possessed of much in the way of imagination in the traditional sense.Yes, he was astonishingly good at coming up with tactical plans on the fly, but when it came to things like simple fantasy, he’d always seemed to lack talent for it.That being said, when he tried to imagine what it would be to bleed like a woman every month, he had a visceral sense of horror. 

Q ate the rest of his breakfast then, with a show of mock-stealth, stole some of James’.When he was done, he leaned against James, snuggling.It was nice, his warm weight against James’ side, the lack of cats.Where the strange, head-spinning domesticity of supporting Q at work and cooking breakfast had been churning in the bottom of his gut for days, something solid started to settle.James wanted to linger in the calm of it.

After awhile, Q spoke.“I really need a shower and my face itches.”

“I can clean up the breakfast dishes while you do that.”

There was something coy in the way Q shifted.“You could,” he started, drawing out the words.“Or you could help me in the shower.”

“I thought you were an independent adult who didn’t need help,” James teased.

“Perhaps I need adult help,” Q suggested.

“I’ve got some experience in that area.”

“I know.Shall we, then?”Q got up.He shed his pyjama shirt as he walked down the hall towards the bathroom, leaving it on the floor behind him.The long, lean lines of his back were enticing as they disappeared behind blue police boxes.As he opened the door to the bathroom, both cats spilled out and milled around his feet, chirping at him imperiously.It rather spoiled the seduction when Q picked up Turing and started apologizing to him.

James was suddenly possessed of great jealousy and he got up, striding over to remove the cat from Q’s arms and shove the other away with one foot.He wrapped his arms around Q and pulled him into the bathroom, shoving both cats outside as he closed the door. 

Q made a delighted sound and kissed him.For the first time, the kiss promised something more.He tugged James’ shirt out of his trousers and when his hand hit James’ shoulder, it wasn’t to push him away, but instead to try—futilely—to pull James’ shirt over his head.

James chuckled.“When you’re wearing your glasses, you can undress me.Get the shower ready while I take care of this.”

Q grumbled, but did as he was told, turning the taps and dropping his pants.By the time he pulled off the jock strap that held his packer on, James was naked.Q turned, looking shy.His eyes raked over James’ body, stopping before they could meet James’ face.His shoulders were hunched in and his legs were crossed.

James stepped in towards him.The only sounds were the shower and the soft tapping of cat paws at the bathroom door.He put his hands gently on Q’s waist, drawing him in to a kiss. 

There was nothing special about the action itself.There had been thousands of kisses in his life that had been given with the sole purpose of making someone else feel beautiful.It was his job, his life.He’d been doing it for years.He’d drawn dozens of young men in against him with the intention of making their bodies hum with pleasure.The movements were practiced, came naturally.He didn’t have to think about them and he silently thanked the MI6 executives who had recruited him to seductive espionage as well as each and every dead boy he’d left in his wake, because not having to think about how to make Q feel cherished meant that he could enjoy Q’s responses.

Q was quiet, most of his vocal response to being kissed and having James’ hands roving over his back, sides, hair, and arse limited to little hitches in his breath.It would have been inaudible over the shower if James hadn’t been listening for it, immersing himself in Q like he’d never have him again.The best part, though, was the way Q moved into every touch.It was deliciously unrestricted in a way that he never was and it appealed to James, made him want more.

James kissed down his neck and shoulders, letting Q move with him as he stepped towards the shower.Q’s hands roved over James, the movements uncertain and birdlike.He didn’t seem to know where to put them and James drew back to look him in the eyes.“This is all right?”

Q nodded, his eyes large and dark.He rested his hands on James’ shoulders and his eyes roved, unfocussed, over his face.

“Let’s get you in under the water,” James said.“After all, you did want me to help in the shower.”

Q hovered uncertainly, making no move towards the shower, his spine suddenly going stiff.He glanced towards the cabinet under the sink.

“What is it?” James asked, gently.“Tell me what you need.”

“It’s just… I uh, the testosterone.”

“What about it?”

Colour sprang up on Q’s cheeks and he ducked his head.“This is so awkward, maybe we shouldn’t do this.”

James pulled him in close and stroked his hair, an uncertain motion since he also didn’t want to press his erection against Q’s hip.“If you don’t want it, then we won’t, but whatever’s bothering you, it can’t be that bad.”

“I do want it.”

“Then tell me.”

Q took a deep, bracing breath.“It’s stupid.I don’t know why this is so hard to say.I, uh, experience… vaginal dryness?It can make things…painful?”

“Is that all?Do you have lube in the vanity?”

“Yeah.” 

James stepped away from Q and went to rifle through the drawers until he came up with some and tossed it past Q so it landed in the shower.“There.That’s better, right?”

“I guess.”The redness extended from Q’s cheeks down his chest a little.

“It’ll be better for me, too, this way.”

“You’re going to treat me like a woman,” Q said, softly. 

James stepped into his space and drew a hand through his tousled hair.“In some ways, probably,” he admitted.“But you’re not a woman, you’re a man with a steel spine and you’ll knock me into submission until I treat you how you want.It’ll go a lot easier if you just tell me how to do this.”

“God, no,” Q murmured, shrinking back on himself.“I can’t talk about it.”

“Then step into the shower and I’ll show you what I like.You can return the favour.” James pressed a gentle kiss to Q’s forehead. 

Q nodded nervously and stepped through the curtain.James followed and smiled as the spray hit Q’s hair, making it droop and drip down his face.He smoothed it back and leaned in to kiss him and get into the spray himself. 

“You’ll have to upgrade your showerheads if we’re going to make a habit of this,” James said.

“I think, maybe… just let’s get clean and then take this to the bedroom?”

James kissed him again, then reached for the shampoo.“All right.”

Q sagged a little with relief and James set himself the task of making Q feel as good as was possible, relaxing him.He started with a careful massage of Q’s scalp while he shampooed him and moved onwards with the shower gel, massaging his neck, shoulders and back, dragging his fingertips across his stomach and trying to leave him sensitized and excited.It seemed to be working and Q’s self-consciousness melted away some, letting him relax and lean against James. 

“Do you want me to get your razor?” James offered. 

“There’s no mirror in here,” Q answered with an eyeroll.

“No, but I could shave you, if you wanted.Get it all out of the way without any fuss.”

He could see Q debate it, run it back and forth in his head before he finally nodded.It made James smile and he found himself genuinely enjoying the act, the way Q’s skin felt as he stripped away the stubble and left soft, smooth skin in the wake of the razor.

“Someday, I’ll do this with my razor,” he said softly as he tilted Q’s head back.“You’ll like the way it feels after.Straight razors get so much closer than these plastic pieces of shit.”

“I happen to like these,” Q said.“There’s a certain beauty to the engineering.”

“You would think that.Sometimes, you can’t improve on a design.I’ll show you.” 

Q smiled and James poked his cheek to make him stop so he wouldn’t cut him.Q obediently turned his face and moved where James put him until James finished, then rinsed his face off and turned off the shower.He seemed calmer, more collected, as he dried himself off and headed off to the bedroom, watching over his shoulder to make sure James was following. 

James smiled at him, watching his arse as he moved.He was gorgeous and James wanted him, was willing to do anything to have him, anything Q wanted.More frightening was the fact that he was willing to do even more to keep him, but he pushed that aside, instead choosing to focus on the way Q moved.The man was light on his feet, something that was never more obvious than when he was dancing around his cats, trying to keep from falling on his head.

James sighed and separated the cats from Q, herding Q into the bedroom with a smile.“I’m not going to have you fall on your head before I get you into bed.”He wrapped his arms around Q as he closed the door and started kissing him, trying not to give him time to think and get embarrassed again.He hated seeing Q like that, going from the confident branch head to someone terrified of rejection and afraid of his own body.It might be part of Q, but it was a part James wanted to see shrivel up and disappear so Q could always be the person James had grown to need.

Q gave himself over to James’ touch and kisses.He backed up towards the bed, tugging James along after him.He kissed back breathlessly, his hands tracing deliberate patterns from James’ shoulders down to the swell of his arse.He kept their fronts together tightly and when his legs hit the bed, he pulled James down on top of himself.

James kissed him hard, careful not to crush him.Sometimes, it was hard not to think of Q as delicate and the sharp jut of his hip and collarbones didn’t help.He was so thin, almost birdlike and James felt unreasonably large and clumsy, like a bulldog next to a newborn kitten.He knew Q wouldn’t appreciate the comparison and he resolved to bury it away.

The best way, he thought, to bury it, was to resist the urge to stroke the pale, almost translucent, skin on Q’s neck and shoulders.It was a strong urge and the only way out was through, sometimes, so he drew his thumb along Q’s collarbone, feeling rather than hearing the sharp intake of breath as Q’s chest heaved.The urge satisfied, he lowered his mouth and worried at the flesh, Q’s voice keening upwards around him.It was intoxicating and James rolled them onto their sides so they were more fully on the bed, no feet hanging over.It gave James more leverage, as he sucked a mark onto Q’s skin, to thrust shallowly against his hip. 

It felt so good, the drag of Q’s skin against his.Q kept pulling James against him, encouraging James to keep moving, keep touching him.Q hooked one leg around James’ hip and gripped the back of his neck to pull him up to kiss him hard, moaning softly into it as James slid his hand from Q’s knee to his arse, sliding his fingers teasingly in between Q’s legs.Q’s hips stuttered back into James’ hand and James’ fingers brushed the inner folds of Q’s labia.Q repeated the movement and James gave him a little more pressure, letting Q pick the pace as James luxuriated in the drag of his cock against Q’s hipbone. 

They moved together like that, Q seeking out more.James’ cock began to leak against Q’s skin and as it slid more freely, James started to feel a little ill.It started on the back of his neck and travelled down his spine into his gut.It slowed his rhythm and pulled him back from his body and into his head unpleasantly.He drew back, looking down between them to see if there was some strange texture to Q’s skin or if a bit of the sheets had gotten between them—he hated that sensation—and his stomach roiled when he saw the glistening of his precome on Q.

He froze.He had no actual idea if he was clean.Yes, his tests had come back all right, but that didn’t mean anything, not yet.Q’s horrified voice came back into his head, asking if he’d been to medical, asking about the disease risk and he swallowed, hard, trying to shake away the sick cold prickle that had settled into his abdomen.

“James?” Q asked.“Is everything all right?”He pulled his hands back off James, frowning.

James took a second, trying to figure out how to fix it rather than answering.Really, he needed to keep Q safe.That was the most important thing.This could still happen, he’d still be okay, not have to put an end to their fun, if he could keep Q safe.That meant keeping his fluids off of him. 

“Condom,” James answered, hoping Q wouldn’t notice his flagging erection.“We need a condom.”He reached towards Q’s bedside table.

“Oh,” Q said.“Uh, I haven’t exactly got any.”

James stared at him, not sure he’d heard that right.What adult didn’t have condoms in their bedside table?

“I haven’t really had any need,” Q explained.“Don’t you have one in your pocket or something?”

“I don’t keep them in my pocket.I keep them in my cigarette case so they don’t get ruined.”

“So get your cigarette case.”

“It’s in the car,” James groaned, making a show of flopping onto the mattress.The distance seemed to quiet the blood that had come rushing up into his ears.

“Go get it,” Q urged, propping himself up on one elbow.“Please?”

James sighed theatrically.“Fine.”

“Sweats in the top drawer there,” Q said, pointing at his bureau.“Should be good enough for you to get downstairs and back.”

James grabbed them, keeping his back to Q and glanced over his shoulder.“Don’t go anywhere.I’ll only be a moment.”

“Just go,” Q urged.

James pulled on the sweatpants as he headed out of the room and rushed to the kitchen to grab his keys.When he got outside, the cold air on his skin chased away the creeping chill and stopped the uneasiness in his stomach.He took deep breaths of it, drinking in the stink of London.It was so far from anything haunting his thoughts that he felt stupid for having stuttered to a stop, for his brain having tripped over something so foolish.He couldn’t let Franz get under his skin, wouldn’t let his men’s shit destroy his sex life or his career.

A woman driving down the street honked at him and he was abruptly reminded of the fact that he was half naked, on the streets of London, in the middle of the day.It wasn’t an image of normalcy and he didn’t want to draw attention to Q’s home, so he unlocked his car and dug his cigarette case out of the glovebox.He paused as he was about to shut the door and dove back in to grab his lighter.He wasn’t sure if Q smoked, but if he did, well, there was something to be said for the tradition of a cigarette after a good shag sometimes.That was, of course, if James didn’t completely fail to perform, something he was beginning to worry about.He had the horrible feeling that Q would misinterpret any failure on his part as evidence that their relationship was doomed or that Q wasn’t desirable. 

He found himself nervous enough to consider the little blue pills hidden in one of the cigarette filters as he climbed the stairs.He couldn’t think of a time he’d felt this pressed to do well in the bedroom, of a time when something had mattered in a personal way, not since he’d been a teenager and too stupid to understand anything beyond the following week.Of course, it might be moot, Q might have talked himself out of it by the time James got back, in which case maybe they’d get a second chance at this, a time when James was less likely to make a mess of it.As he entered the flat and walked down the hallway to the bedroom, he began to actually hope that would be the case.He wished he had just a little more time to sort through things.He wasn’t sure he was actually ready, and it stung to acknowledge on any level.

His hopes, as they were, were dashed and replaced by a stab of lust right to the pleasure centres of his brain when he stepped into the bedroom.Q hadn’t taken the time to talk himself out of sex, he’d taken the time to immerse himself in it.He had kicked the covers completely off the bed and laid himself out on it, sitting up against the headboard with a bottle of lube on the pillow next to him.His legs were spread and he was working one hand between them, his mouth open and gasping.

James stopped in the doorway to admire the view, his doubts completely forgotten as he took in the sight.“Do you want my mouth?” he offered before he so much as had time to consider what he should or shouldn’t be doing.

“God, yes,” Q said. 

James set down the cigarette case next to the lube and settled himself down between Q’s legs.All the typical folds were there, but Q’s clit jutted out like a small cock.James looked at it with fascination for a second, then took it in his mouth, licking and sucking at it to see what got the best responses.He was rewarded with Q’s legs wrapping around his shoulders and Q’s voice urging him on, begging for more, whining when he paused for breath and keening loudly in unrestrained pleasure.He wanted to draw it out forever, live in that place where the only thing mattered was Q’s pleasure and his own cock heavy between his legs.It couldn’t last forever, though and Q put an end to it with a sharp tug to James’ ear.

“Rude,” James murmured against Q’s pubic bone.

“Hardly,” Q gasped brokenly.“Come up here, I want you in me.”

“Yeah?” James asked.

Q nodded.“Please?”

James shoved the sweatpants off and reached for the lube and cigarette case in answer.Moments later, he was buried in Q and nothing else mattered.The world narrowed down to the points of contact between them, the gorgeous friction, his fingers on Q’s clit until Q’s voice suddenly cut out and Q arched up from the bed silently, tightening around James.James sped up, wanting to follow him over the edge, but Q cut him off.

“Stop, stop, too much!” he exclaimed, shoving at James’ arms.

James drew back slightly, confused. 

“Oversensitive,” Q gasped.“Out, out out.”

James did as he was told, pulling out of Q as Q hissed and writhed.“All right?”

“Yeah, c’mere,” Q said, patting the bed beside him.As soon as James moved into place, Q wrapped his hand around James’ cock and drove him hard through orgasm before he slumped over onto James’ shoulder.His head was a comfortable weight, his hair cold and wet against James’ skin.

James got rid of the condom—onto the floor, making a mental note to pick it up later—and gently combed the tangles out of Q’s hair with his fingers as his eyes slid comfortably shut.“You’re good at that.”

Q huffed, amused.“I told you I wasn’t a virgin.I’ve had my share of practice.”

“Works out in my favour.”James stretched out his legs, enjoying the feel of the sheets on his skin.“You’ve got good taste in linens.”

“You’re ridiculous, you posh bastard,” Q said.“Would you refuse to lay on them if I had discount cotton?”

“We could always make a beautiful mess of your sofa instead.”

Q laughed delightedly. 

“I don’t suppose you’d enjoy a cigarette?” James asked, reaching without even looking for where the cigarette case lay.He was good at a lot of things and remembering where objects were was one of them.

“There’s no smoking in the flat.It irritates the cats’ lungs.Turing in particular gets horribly wheezy, so I had to give it up.”

“You gave up smoking for your cats?”

“And to reduce my risk of cancer, stroke and heart attack, but yes, mostly for the cats. 

James smiled and shook his head, opening his eyes to look at Q.He stiffened as his gaze met other eyes unexpectedly.Lovelace was crouched between his spread legs, staring intently at him.“Q.Your cat is a voyeur.”

“Hmmm?”Q’s head tipped on James’ shoulder, then he sat up abruptly.“Lovelace, no!”He dove forward, arms outstretched and scooped up the cat just as she scooted forward abruptly towards James’ groin.

James instinctively curled in on himself to protect tender flesh from extended claws that narrowly missed his dick.“That animal is a monster!” he said.

“She doesn’t know any better.She’s never seen a live cock,” Q said.“Most things in that size range in my flat are toys for her.”He held her resistant form against his chest.

“Well you’re the only one that gets to play with it,” James said.“Why don’t I put her outside?”

“She’s an indoor cat, Bond, she’d die!”

“Just the hallway,” James said.“I just think I need some space between the more sensitive bits of my anatomy and your cats.”

“I’m not going to get rid of them, you know.”

He reached for Lovelace, gently extracting her from Q’s grip and stroking her cheeks.“I’d never ask you to.They were here first and they’ll be here when I’m gone.That being said, however, I have enough attacks on my genitalia when I’m at work and I prefer, when I’m having sex for pleasure, not to be watched by a non-participating party.So if we’re having sex, I ask that they not be in the room.”

Q’s facial expression wavered and James could practically see him pulling out a scale to measure whose comfort he cared about the most.“All right, but we’re done now.” 

James got off the bed and set Lovelace down in the hallway, next to Turing who was stretched out on his back licking his own chest.“I don’t remember the last time I got to enjoy a post coital nap, Q.”

“You realize I just woke up?”

James closed the bedroom door and turned back to Q. “I find myself not caring, terribly,” he said, as he picked up the blankets off the floor and climbed back onto the bed.“If I can’t have a cigarette, I’m having a nap and I fully intend to enjoy curling up with you.I’m sure you have something electronic with which you can amuse yourself while I sleep.”He drew the blankets up around his shoulders and wrapped his arms around Q’s waist.

“This feels distinctly like inevitability,” Q sighed, sounding put upon.

“It’s meant to,” James said, closing his eyes.Q’s side was warm against his cheek and the slow movement of his breath was calming.He wished he could fall asleep like this every day for the rest of his life.


	13. Who gain the world

There were two facts about the world that James knew intimately.The first was that a good fuck didn’t fix everything, couldn’t possibly fix everything.If it could, then he would have singlehandedly brought about world peace a thousand times over.The second was that, no matter how much he hated Psych, if the person holding the title ‘M’ said he had to pass their tests in order to get back into the field, then there was no getting around it.He had best pay very close attention to the frequency at which certain topics were brought up because those held the key to passing said tests. He couldn’t ignore the fact that, while Tanner was under the impression he’d apologized to Moneypenny—something he still hadn’t brought up with Q—Psych absolutely knew otherwise.Every session, they put him through his paces, including the word associations since they seemed to have run out of other topics of conversation, and somehow worked into each set of questions and discussion points that they wanted to know about his reparations to Moneypenny. 

He hadn’t made any reparations at all.Telling them that he now considered them even for her having shot him didn’t so much as make them think for a moment.Telling them that Moneypenny knew what went with being in the field didn’t help either. This meant that, in the end, he had to make them, whether he wanted to or not.He definitely did not want to.

That being said, it was time for him to do something to move forward, so he found himself standing on Moneypenny’s doorstep again with a box of chocolates.This time, he was sure she was home so it came as no surprise when she opened the door, glaring. 

“What do you think you’re doing here?” she demanded.

He held out the chocolates.“I came to apologize for my previous actions in regards to you and your household.”

She stepped out of the door, closing it behind her, and leaned against it with her arms crossed, ignoring the box.“Q already apologized for you.”

“How are you so sure that it wasn’t me?”

She cocked her head to the side with a look of bored irritation.“Because the only reason you’re apologizing now is that you’ve no other choice and that gift basket had ‘someone with an actual heart’ written all over it.Tanner’s the only one that fell for it and that’s because he’s got a guilty conscience.I let him go on believing it in hope that he’d deal with his own shit, not because I believed for one instant that you’d actually done it.”

There was a reason that Moneypenny had been an effective enough field agent to be working with a double-oh and there was a reason that when she’d left field work she’d ended up in a position that gave her more responsibility and more power than fieldwork ever might have.James didn’t think it would happen in his lifetime—he was under no illusions that he had more than a handful of years left, given his profession—but he was absolutely positive that proper-M had been grooming her for the position one day and he had no doubt that she’d end up there.Eve Moneypenny was brilliant and when that was paired with her incredible gut instincts, James wished he would live long enough to serve under her.On particularly bad days, he was tempted to kill Mallory just to clear Moneypenny’s way, but she probably wasn’t actually ready yet.It would come with time.

“Is it working?” he asked mildly.

“Early days.Now, who’s making you apologize?I can’t decide if it’s Mallory or Psych.”

“Psych,” James replied, shrugging.“Pretty sure it’s the last tick box to make them let me back into the field and anything’s worth a try.”

“I’m fairly certain that they’d prefer that your apology to me was sincere,” Moneypenny replied.

“We both know me well enough to know two things.One is that I’m fundamentally incapable of a sincere apology and also that I am genuinely sorry for my actions.”

“You’re genuinely sorry that you’re not out in the field, I’ll give you that much.”

“I’m also sorry about the mess I made of security.”

“Good.”

“I genuinely hope that I haven’t made a permanent mess of things between you and your young man.”

“Now there’s a lie if I’ve ever heard one.You think connections make us weaker.”

He nodded.“Of course I do.It’s the truth.We’re all weaker for being connected, that’s always been true.”

“Then how can you possibly hope you haven’t made a mess of things?”

He felt a little sheepish, though he didn’t avert his gaze.He was good at his job and he hadn’t got there by being shit at bluffing.“It may have come to my attention that attachments occur whether we want them to or not and that attempts to deny ourselves can be… damaging.”

“Heard you’ve been hanging ‘round Q-Branch an awful lot.”

“That’s been true for months.”

“You haven’t been keeping them from working themselves into an early grave for months and you certainly haven’t been privy to the security breach that is Q’s bloody cats.”

“They’re not exactly a security breach.Q scanned them for bugs.”

“I suppose.Still.Rumours are flying around that you’re planning to retire.”

James’ eyebrows shot up. “I am bloody well not,” he snapped.

“No, you’ve just gone soft on your quartermaster and it made you go ‘round the bend, didn’t it?”

“What _are_ you talking about?”

“You can’t handle having feelings, so you came here to destroy everything.”Her tone was challenging, prodding.

James froze.She expected an explanation, one that would satisfy her.She wanted him to talk about it.She wanted him to put forth reasons for his actions.“You know what happened to me.”

“It’s happened before.”

There it was, the side of coldness that she’d need when she was promoted to a position she probably didn’t even want at this point.“You’ve been trained for torture.You probably got a longer segment for sexual torture than I did, being a woman.Tell me, Miss Moneypenny, what did they tell you to do when someone pulls their cock out and makes you bleed for England?”He couldn’t keep the sneer out of his voice or he’d fall apart in some way he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

She swallowed, but didn’t look away.“Go away.Think of anything else until they can’t find you in your own head.Something that you can cling to.Happy memories are best.”The answer was almost rote in tone.

“Now, what do they tell you to do when one of the people responsible for the place you run to is the one ordering you to be fucked up the arse by four separate men and there’s nothing you can do to stop them?” he asked her.

Everything good slid off her face as if it were melting.“Oh.And you came here because…”

“I’m not entirely sure.I knew I didn’t want to end up calling Q to get me out of a cell again.”

“And you needed a fight.”

He nodded reluctantly.“You’re one of the few people regularly in London that I can fight without worrying about having to deal with the consequences of killing someone inside our borders.”

“That would be flattering if you’d just come to me to spar rather than coming to my home and shitting on my life.”She shifted her weight and tightened her arms around herself, probably cold in the cool air.

“I wasn’t at my most rational,” he responded, dismissively. “I should have gone back to my flat in the first place, but I made a mistake, went to the wrong place and tried to ignore my own needs in favour of other things.”

Moneypenny narrowed her eyes and looked him over carefully, her chin tilting up.“You put someone else first,” she said suspiciously.

“Our desires were in alignment.”

“You didn’t bother with a debrief or with medical.”

“I was trying to avoid the mess I’m in now.I knew they’d pull me if they knew what had been done to me.”

“And yet here you are.”

“You can’t claim to have never made a mistake,” James hissed.“We all have regrets.”

“That’s true,” she said.She held out a hand.“Give me the chocolates, but if you pull this shit again, I’ll make sure you never see fieldwork as long as you live.”

She said it so confidently that James knew she’d win and there wasn’t a chance that he’d be able to fight back, not against Mallory.Perhaps she was a little bit more aware of her power within MI6 than he’d thought.It was possible she thought she was bluffing, but either way, he nodded and handed over the box.“Understood.Thank you.”He turned to go.

“You’ll pick Sam and myself up at seven tonight for dinner.Make it somewhere good, we’ll be dressed up.Bring Q.You owe Sam an apology as well, so you’d best be on your best behaviour.”

He turned back and stared at her a moment.She appeared, shockingly, to be serious.“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Not in the slightest, but if you’re going to be going back into the field, you’d best practice your impulse control.Besides, Sam thinks you’re a threat to our relationship and he needs to see otherwise.I’ve told him you’re an avowed homosexual and you shan’t be changing his beliefs. Are we clear?”

“Yes ma’am,” James said, with a nod.“I’ll pick you up at seven, our reservations will be for seven-thirty.I’ll find something appropriate for Q somewhere and coax him out of his lair.”

“Good.Don’t let him think he’s getting off the hook.He knows better than to try and deceive me like that.”

James was going to have to talk to Q and he had a feeling neither of them would actually like it.

 

Q was waist-deep in the engine block of a car when James found him, his hair clotted together with gobs of motor oil and his glasses the only slightly clean part of him.He barely looked up when James entered the garage, instead diving back into the motor so deeply that James was struck by the sudden mental image of him ending up stuck with his legs waving about helplessly.He couldn’t help it, it was so absurd he laughed out loud, which brought Q up out of the car abruptly enough to have him whack his head on the bonnet.

“Shit,” he said eloquently, pressing one oil-streaked hand to his hair.James despaired of ever getting the man clean.“May I ask what’s so funny, 007?”

James shrugged, a smile spreading across his face.“Of course you may.”

Q looked at him expectantly, checking his watch—also covered in oil—an instant later when James didn’t immediately answer.“Well?”

“You’re a mess.”

“Yes, one tends to make a mess of oneself when trying to find the source of a pressurized oil leak in a heavily modified engine.Now move along before some of this mess finds itself on thousands of pounds’ worth of your clothing, clothing that my branch will not be reimbursing you for.”

“I can’t move on just now, I need to ask you a favour.”

“I’m a bit low on time.Crises tend to destroy deadlines for new field technology.”

“Can you get yourself cleaned up in time for dinner at seven?”

“Are you asking me on a date?” Q demanded, glancing around to make sure no one else was within hearing distance.As James was not actually stupid, no one was.

“Not precisely.It’s come to my attention that you made a valiant effort to deceive the executive branch on my behalf and I need you to come help pay the price for that deception.”

Q squinted curiously.

“I’ve apologized to Moneypenny and the price of her forgiveness is to take her and her lover out for dinner to apologize more extravagantly.She’s demanding I bring you along.”

“I haven’t the time,” Q said, sighing and trying to brush his fringe back out of his eyes.It stuck straight up. 

James pursed his lips to avoid laughing again.“I’ll need you to make time.There’s a certain fiction that she’s attempting to maintain with her… boyfriend and I need your assistance to do so.”

“I can’t imagine anything in the world that I’m better at lying about than you are,” Q said, raising an eyebrow.

“She’s told him I’m, as she put it, ‘an avowed homosexual.’” 

There was silence in the garage as Q’s eyes flicked back and forth across James’ face.He considered James’ words, took in James’ expression, blinked, took it in again.He stared.His mouth opened and closed, the corners of his lips trembling.The silence was broken with a long burst of laughter, the kind that left Q doubled over and clutching his stomach.James stood steadfast through it all, waiting for it to end.He stood in silence, falling into something like parade rest and he waited, then waited some more.

“I’m sorry, but you?She told her boyfriend you were gay?You couldn’t maintain that fiction on a deserted island populated entirely of naked men and decorated only with homosexual pornography.It’s you.You flirt like most people conduct neurological impulses.It won’t stop until you’re dead!”

“I have had some training in maintaining a cover fiction,” James said flatly.“I didn’t get to be a double-oh by being shit at my job, you know.”

“No, but you’re hardly gay.”

“It would be far easier to maintain the illusion if you were there.”

“I can’t go.”

“You lied to her.She doesn’t like it when we lie to her,” James responded.“And she demanded your presence especially.”

“I have motor oil in my hair and the cats need to be fed,” Q protested.“I can’t go to dinner like this.”

“I can go feed the cats while you shower?” James offered.

“I suppose that’s an option.I could always come here after and finish up.It wouldn’t be so bad to have a dinner break, maybe.”

James nodded.“All right.I’ll get you some clothes from the flat, then?”

Q blinked at him.“I’ve got clothes here.”

“But nothing appropriate for a nice dinner.We’re going to L’Atelier Robuchon.”

“I don’t think I even own anything appropriate for that,” Q said, gawking.“I’m not sure I’ve got anything nice enough to even walk down that street.”

“You’ve got to have something sharp.”

“There’s my funeral suit?” Q offered.“It’s probably the closest I’ve got to anything appropriate.”

James was going to have to take Q shopping at some point, but it wasn’t the time.“All right.I’ll get that and pick you up a shirt with a little colour, then?”

“I’m pretty sure my head’ll explode from entering the restaurant,” Q complained.“It’s not really my area.”

“I swear to you, I’ll never spring something like this on you again.This is just what she demanded as an apology and you brought yourself into it when you tried to fake an apology for me.”

Q sighed and rubbed at his nose.“All right.I’ll go.But you’d better not laugh at me if I haven’t any idea which fork to use.”

“Q, I’m not convinced you’re aware of the existence of forks unless one’s placed directly in your hand.No one’s asking you to be perfect, I just need you to come and put in an appearance for this.”

Q nodded.“Just so you know, if I hadn’t done that, I would be leaving you to deal with this all on your own.I’m not here to do your bidding and clean up your messes.”

“I know.I’d never ask you to.”

“That’s complete and utter shit,” Q responded.“You’ve been asking me to clean up your shit since the day we met and I’ve done it like an idiot.It’s nearly cost me everything on several occasions and I’ve had to answer for it.This is the last time, James.”

James didn’t believe for one moment that it was the end.He didn’t believe that Q would abandon him when he needed him, didn’t think that Q would risk James’ life if it came down to it.He didn’t think, however, that it was in his best interests to mention that.It was far better to keep quiet and, curiously enough, trust that Q wouldn’t abandon him.It was a strange feeling, trusting Q like that, but he found that he did, unshakeably.Q would be there and Q would look after him and Q would cover James’ tracks if he needed to.“Of course,” he said, deciding that discretion was the better part of valour.

“I’ll start showering around six.You’ll need to bring vegetable oil, washing up liquid and sugar to the showers, so I’d head to my flat before that if I were you, otherwise I’ll never get the motor oil out of my hair and I’m pretty sure I’ve got transmission fluid leaking down the back of my coverall, too.It smells like burnt celery, it’s horrible.”He wrinkled his nose.“Now go away, I’m working.”

James considered walking over and kissing Q, considered his wardrobe and then decided that kissing Q just then would be horrible and cost money he didn’t feel like spending.It was tempting though.Instead, he snapped Q a salute, turned on his heel and strode out, already trying to sort out which shop to go to in order to find a shirt that would flatter Q and make his ‘funeral suit’ look less awful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What, like I could leave Moneypenny having been hurt without dealing with it?


	14. The Love We All Could Share

James wondered if he’d misstepped when he saw the look of absolute shock on Sam and Q’s faces as they walked up to the restaurant.Perhaps the venue was too fancy, beyond what Moneypenny had wanted and beyond what Q could handle.He couldn’t find it in himself to worry too much, though.She had asked to go somewhere fancy and he was planning to make sure that she saw him paying out his penance. 

He regretted rather a lot more, in his own way, the way he was making his relationship with Q public.It would have been nice to have gone somewhere together before heading out on what his brain kept cheerfully trying to tell him was a double date.They’d never even gone out for a cup of tea together, let alone a meal at one of the restaurants James favoured.He also hadn’t missed the way Q kept glancing at Moneypenny as if wondering what she was going to say or when she was going to chide him.

James was glad she didn’t, glad she just smiled and enjoyed floating along on her ridiculous heels, one hand delicately on Sam’s elbow for balance as they walked up to the restaurant.She was absolutely resplendent in a shade somewhere between orange and gold that a woman with lighter skin would never have pulled off to the extent she was capable.James didn’t dare compliment her as thoroughly as he would have liked to, though, not when he was meant to be proving his homosexuality to her boyfriend.Instead, he focussed on how Q looked in a suit.It was off the peg and didn’t fit him quite right, not the way it could have if he’d had a proper tailor, but it worked well and the forest green shirt provided an unexpected pop of colour that didn’t wash him out the way lighter colours sometimes did.He looked healthy, not pallid, despite the fact that his basement-dwelling life kept him nearly chalk-white.

“Are you sure we’re meant to be here?” Sam asked before they got up to the door.

“I owed you both an apology,” James said graciously.“I did something cruel, now please allow me to rectify it as best I can.I give Eve my full permission to explain my previous behaviour however she sees fit, however my reasons aren’t appropriate for discussion with good company, so I’d prefer to focus on an enjoyable evening, if I may?” 

“You may,” Moneypenny said.She smiled and looked down at Sam from her towering heels.“I promise you, now he’s said that, I’ll give the full reasons, but let’s just enjoy the evening, shall we?I know Quentin doesn’t get much opportunity to enjoy nice nights.His position keeps him so busy he scarcely has time to breathe.”

“It’s true,” Q said, a little nervously, as they entered the restaurant.“Most of the people in James’ department couldn’t find the screen of a laptop if it was clearly labelled, online, and blinking the words ‘look here to see contents of computer’ in multicoloured script.”

“Oh, there’s one like that in the office,” Sam said, shaking his head.“Old as dirt, that one, and no desire at all to learn anything.Yells at everyone if they don’t rush over and fix his email for him before IT can get down.”

“Just smile sweetly and repeat the words ‘Have you tried shutting it off and turning it back on?’ until he explodes.It’s always fun.”

“I resemble that,” James said.He let the maitre d’ know who they were and got them all moving towards their table, listening to the discussion of people’s IT failures the whole way.It was a little insulting, of course, but that seemed inevitable when there was talk of technology.Q never failed to be disappointed in James’ relationship with it.It didn’t help that Moneypenny had joined in the teasing and mocking, but James smiled in a show of good humour anyway.

Wine was flowing freely and James kept everyone’s glasses filled.He managed to maintain his good humour through two courses before they ran out of nice, neutral small talk topics and the other men started to look nervous again.Moneypenny made a valiant effort to keep the conversational pace, James poured more wine, but it all started falling apart by course three.Q’s voice had begun to slur. Sam’s voice had begun to get just a little bit louder.James himself was beginning to feel the buzz and he thought he could see a few of Moneypenny’s tells coming to the forefront.

That was when things started to get a little sharper.Q had teeth, though he rarely showed them, and they were starting to come out.“You know,” he said, in a conversational tone that set the little hairs on the back of James’ neck standing, “my name is not and has never been Quentin.That’s just what Eve likes to call me when she’s being smart, and I loathe it.”

James reached over under the table and put a warning hand on Q’s leg.Q was drunk and irritated and he was potentially going to make a mess.Q dug a fingernail into the back of James’ hand until he took it back.

“Oh,” Sam said, blinking.“I’m sorry, I had no idea.What would you like me to call you, then?”

“Q.Just Q.That’s the whole of it, the name I earned.”

“Q,” James said quietly.

“No, I’ve about had it.He’s got the security clearance to know that much.I checked.”

“I was just trying to keep you safe,” Moneypenny said.“I wasn’t trying to insult you.”

“You could have told him that much before we came to dinner,” Q responded.

“Sorry,” she said.“I didn’t know you felt so strongly about your name.”

“Of course you didn’t.I’m saying it now.” 

James sighed.“We’re all very sorry and no one will do it again,” he said.“What do you think of the fois gras?”

“It’s pretentious,” Q replied, a little belligerent.“I’m not much a fan of pretentious.”

James suddenly understood why Q rarely drank with people and he was definitely regretting the decision to keep pouring him wine.“It is, a bit.I hear good things about the cod next course, though.It’s a bit Japanese inspired.I think you’ll like it.”James hoped so.He hoped Q would eat enough to soak up some of the alcohol before things got out of hand.

“I love fish,” Moneypenny cut in, giving Sam a significant look.“I always think one of the best things about living in an oceanic country is the fresh fish.”

“It’s certainly not the rain,” Sam said, with a smile.“Nor the ability to make small talk about the weather.”

Q went quiet after that, though he watched them all from under his bangs and when James didn’t fill his glass as often, he took that into his own hands.James didn’t dare say a word, but he could see in the way Q’s posture loosened that Q was going to be very drunk by the time they got to pudding.It worried him and he started working at bringing up things he thought Q would like, trying to bring him back into the conversation with something he couldn’t get belligerent about.Soon, he had Q slurring a little as he debated the finer points of which Doctor was the best, Five or Nine, with Sam.Sam was a cricket enthusiast, it turned out, and that made him partial to Five.Q, on the other hand, preferred Nine, declaring him the best looking of all of them as well as the one with the best attitude.

The conversation went on awhile, varying in intensity until the lamb arrived, when it took a bit of a turn, Q’s previous attitude sliding back into place.“You know, Sam, enthusiasm this deep for sport rather implies a lack of critical analysis on your part,” he said sharply.

Moneypenny inhaled.“Q, you’re drunk,” she said.“Maybe it would be best if we took this up another time.We could get together next week for movies at mine?”

“S’long as they aren’t about sport,” Q grumbled.“I hate when people think sport is the be-all and end-all of everything.It’s not like it’s something everyone can just take part in, you know.Some people can’t.”

Sam nodded easily, drink apparently making him, at least, more amicable and friendly.“That’s true enough.My little brother was always picked last for everything.Frankly he makes a bit more money than I do and it’s probably because I wasted my time on cricket.I had big dreams,” he said fondly.“But I’ve got short legs.”

“There’s nothing wrong with your legs,” Moneypenny said, glancing at Q to make sure he wasn’t going to say anything before smiling at Sam and patting his arm.

“There really isn’t,” James agreed.“Eve has excellent taste in men.”James quickly regretted this when Q turned to James, looking a bit hurt. “Of course, and I mean no offense, I clearly have the best one at this table.”

Q smiled sweetly, his expression made of explosives and shrapnel.“Only because you haven’t had anyone over this table yet, James.”

Sam choked a little, Moneypenny patting his shoulder in alarm and glaring daggers at Q.“Excuse me, what?” Sam asked.

“James has a bit of a reputation about places like this,” Q said.“God knows why, but he’s never hard up, is he?”

James felt things screech to a halt in his head and the entire evening spun out of control, luckily in a way that wasn’t going to damage things with Moneypenny.“I’ve had my fun in the past, but you’re worth far more than a quick bit of fun,” he said smoothly.

Q snorted.“Of course, at least as long as you’re on British soil.”

Sam gave Moneypenny the most spectacularly uncomfortable look James had ever seen on an adult man.Moneypenny gave James the most unimpressed look she could muster and she’d apparently learned from M because his mouth went a little dry for a second in embarrassment.

“Q, if you’d like to talk about that, I’ll be happy to when we’re not in public,” he said, a little warning in his tone.

Q blinked, then looked over at Moneypenny and Sam and flushed.“Oh lord, I’m sorry,” he said, some of the sharpness leaving in his moment of shame.“It’s just James is a bit of a slut, you know?Had someone on every continent and I’ve only left Britain the once.”

“Now that’s not entirely true,” James said, going for joking. 

“Which bit?” Sam asked, drunken curiosity outweighing caution.

“I’ve never slept with anyone in Antarctica.In fact, I would much prefer never to go there.I rather think that frostbite on one’s more tender parts sounds like a special sort of hell,” James responded, keeping his tone light.

Sam smiled, relaxing a little.“All right, yes, that does sound terrible.”

“I’d much rather be somewhere warm,” James said.“Do you enjoy travel?”

“Oh, yes.Have you ever been skiing?” Sam asked.

“Ugh, ski slopes are terrible,” Q said with feeling.“Especially those gondolas.I hate those.”

Moneypenny smothered a laugh.“Well, you would, wouldn’t you?”

Q turned to Sam, looking grumpy.“Only time I’ve ever left Britain, I had to go to a ski resort and I was very nearly kidnapped.It was awful.”

Sam blinked, glanced at Moneypenny, then nodded slowly.“That does sound awful. Sounds like you need a do-over holiday, to me.”

“Q’s afraid of flying,” Moneypenny said, empathetically.“I’ve had to go out and make deliveries for him before.Remember when I went to Shanghai?”

“Oh, that’s a shame,” Sam said.“Flying’s very safe, you know.The odds of being injured while flying are incredibly low.”

“I happen to be excellent at statistics, thank you,” Q snapped.“Besides, it’s not actually the flight that concerns me.It’s the bloody airports.They’re a confusing, terrifying mess and the security theatre they put on is downright intrusive.I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather not have someone peering under my clothes with a scanner, thanks.”

James had a sudden flash of understanding, even as Moneypenny looked confused.The scanners would be a mess, James thought, for someone like Q, and he’d be publicly humiliated or at least think he’d been.

“But you said you were afraid,” Moneypenny said uncertainly.

“I said I was afraid _to_ fly, not afraid of flying,” Q pointed out, irritation bristling through him.“Part of getting to the point where one flies is security.”

“I suppose I just never thought of you as being such… so modest,” she said. 

“I’m not a prude, if that’s what you’re insinuating.I am just very selective of what I share with others.”

“He’s really not a prude,” James said, putting a hand on Q’s arm gently.There was a pause in the conversation as a waiter took up everyone’s plates and another placed down pudding.

“It wouldn’t be a problem if you were,” Moneypenny said.

Sam nodded.“Everyone’s got their own limits.God knows I hated shared locker rooms when I was a kid.Always thought everyone was staring at me.Made me just about sick.”

Q’s smile went thin and he opened his mouth to respond, but James cut in.“Dormitories were a nightmare,” he said.“I had to share a room with another boy for years and I never had a good roommate.”He dug his thumb slightly into Q’s arm, hoping Q wouldn’t say anything that might reveal something Q would regret later.“The worst of the lot was this boy that took a photo of me that he sent round to everyone else and then to the girls’ school ours sometimes linked with for social events.I didn’t get over being shy about changing until I was in the Navy.”

“You were in the Navy?” Sam asked, interestedly.“Was it hard?”

“It wasn’t so bad, I got to see quite a few places, and it kept me in shape.I enjoyed it, though I love my current job much better.”

“Oh, no, I mean, was it hard to be, you know, a homosexual in the Navy?Things weren’t as accepting until recently, were they?”

James saw Q glance at him out of the corner of his eye and he thought he saw Q’s shoulders shake with something that could be suppressed laughter.“Well, there’s always been a bit of a problem there, I suppose, but there were some nice enough men there, always someone to help out.And as long as everyone did their jobs, most people didn’t actually care, especially since I was an officer, not enlisted.”

Q snickered aloud.“I’d think it’d be a nice place to be gay,” he said.“In a place filled with seamen.”He laughed a little too loudly when he finished.

Sam joined him.“Oh, oh, that’s terrible!”

“It really is,” Moneypenny agreed, amused.

James smiled politely, though mostly he was embarrassed on Q’s behalf.He was relatively certain that Q would be embarrassed about this later and James worried about the fall out.A bit of him selfishly hoped Q would have a terrible hangover that would scrub everything from his mind or at least distract him from his behaviour come morning.“I had no idea you had such a talent for puns,” he said to Q.

“I’m good at a lot of things you’ve no idea of,” Q responded.

“I don’t doubt it.”James gave Q’s arm a little squeeze and felt a swell of affection for him cut through the embarrassment.“You’re incredibly talented.He’s probably the most brilliant man you’ve ever met,” he told Sam.“He’s certainly the smartest I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

Q smiled, then, his first genuine smile in at least two courses.“And you’ve actually got a little better at listening to me,” he said.

James nodded.“I wasn’t sure if you’ve noticed.” 

“You at least follow my directions when I say left.”His smile grew a little.

James saw Moneypenny smiling out of the corner of his eye.“When I can.It’s not always possible,” he said.“But when it is.”

“Have you two been together long, then?” Sam asked.

“No,” Q responded, in the same instant as James said “Yes.”

Sam looked back and forth between them in confusion.“I’m not sure I follow?”

Q had a bit of a deer in the headlights look on his face, so James took pity on him.“We made a long-term arrangement official recently,” he said.Q nodded next to him, looking a little ill.

“Oh, that’s lovely,” Sam said.“Was it an office romance?I’d imagine those are hard to navigate, hmm?”

“Something like that,” Q said.“I’m sort of… a little in James’ chain of command, so getting together with him was a bit of an ethical debate.”

“Sounds rough,” Sam said empathetically.“It’s hard enough when Eve has to go travelling.I can’t imagine having her there and not being able to be with her.”

“Let’s not bring up such unpleasantness,” Moneypenny said.“I’d hate to relive it, wouldn’t you?” 

Sam nodded.“Yeah.All right.Well.”

“Oh, did you see the news?” Moneypenny asked.“Apparently, there’s another lime shortage.I say we do margaritas next week when we do movie night, before the price goes up again?”

“A lime shortage?” James asked.“Really?”

“Yeah, Mexico’s got some kind of lime plague.”

“Should do tequila shots, go a little faster than the margaritas,” Q muttered.

“Oh, tequila shots can be lovely,” Sam said.“Have you ever done body shots?I went to Mexico for vacation once and it was—“

“I think we’d really rather not,” Moneypenny said, a little sharply. 

“But we’d have such fun,” Sam said, actually batting his eyelashes at her.

“Not in public, darling,” she said, patting his hand.“Maybe we can re-enact your vacation privately.”

He beamed.

James felt a little sick, watching it.Would that be something he and Q would end up like, someday?Privately, he hoped not.With other relationships, he wouldn’t have minded, but the way things had gone with Q, he’d gotten used to having Q all to himself and he didn’t want to share.He wanted Q all to himself in a way that bothered him.He stayed quiet and let Sam and Moneypenny flirt, reaching under the table to hold Q’s hand.Q squeezed it lightly, swaying slightly in his chair as they all finished their pudding.

When they stood, James was tempted to drive home.He could, he knew, it wasn’t beyond his abilities.He’d drank far more and driven before, but there was a slight slowness about his reflexes that made him worry about what would happen to Q if he was wrong about driving.Instead, he pulled out his wallet and offered Moneypenny some cash as they headed out the door.“I’ve had a little much to drive home.Let me pay for your cab?”

She gave him a long, considering look, her eyes flicking back and forth between him and Q, then nodded, eyes narrowed, and took the money, stepping in to give him a friendly hug as she did so.“You’ve changed,” she murmured in his ear.“And it’s good.It’s also a good thing Sam turns into a labrador when he’s been drinking, because Q’s the opposite.Look after him, all right?He’s my friend and I’m worried.”The hug was lingering on a bit too long, so she stepped back.

James nodded slightly.“Have a good night, Eve.Sam, nice meeting you properly.”He extended a hand to him and shook.“Watch and make sure she doesn’t break an ankle in those shoes, work would fall apart without her.”

“She really is incredible, isn’t she?” Sam said, proudly.

“She is,” Q agreed.“My branch would probably break ties with the main body and go off into the tunnels to search for trolls and dwarves if it weren’t for her running interference between us and the executive.”

“Trolls and dwarves?” Sam echoed.

Q nodded.“They think I don’t know, but there’s a secret Dungeons and Dragons society that meets in quiet corners when they think I’m busy.I’m never too busy not to notice and I’ll get them.”His smile was all teeth and bitterness.

James took Q’s arm.“Right, let’s get you home,” he said, nodding to Sam and Moneypenny, then leading Q towards the street to go and find a cab.

“Are you coming to mine, then?” Q asked him.

“If it’s all right with you.”

Q shrugged.“Doesn’t matter.”

“I’m not going to invite myself to your home,” James said, very seriously.“You’ve made it clear that I only have access when you want me.”

“Then come home with me, I don’t care.”

James didn’t sigh, but it was a close thing.He needed to talk to Q properly, which he reminded himself through the trip to Q’s flat and the stony silence in the cab.He wasn’t sure if he should actually be going to his own flat, but he wasn’t going to let Q go to bed angry if he could help it.He’d read that it wasn’t a good thing, in a relationship and he kept that in mind as he sat down on Q’s sofa to take off his shoes.

Q cuddled Turing while glaring at James, Lovelace mewling angrily and nipping at his heels.“You didn’t have to come,” he said, the words slurring.

“No, I wanted to,” James said.“But if you don’t want me, I’ll get a cab home.Would you prefer that?”

Q shrugged and buried his face into Turing’s fluff childishly. 

James sat up straighter and watched him for a few moments.“If you don’t mind, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about?”

“I don’t care,” came the belligerent response.

“All right.Q, are you jealous of the people I sleep with when I’m working?”

Q shrugged again, Turing protesting as he apparently squeezed him a little too tightly.

“I need you to know, that’s going to keep happening.I need you to understand that.I will always have to do whatever’s needed of me in order to complete my mission and I won’t quit my job for you.”

“I’d never ask you to quit!” Q said, head coming up.“I’m not stupid, you know.I know that quitting your job would make you miserable!”

“Then you can’t get jealous of them.They’re not the people I’d choose anyway.I don’t want them.The country needs me to sleep with them, so I do, but I don’t want them.”James struggled to keep the urgency out of his voice.He needed Q to get this at a gut level, to stop being so bitter about it or the first time they got drunk when it was just the two of them—and James was positive that was an inevitability—would be the last.

“You want them at least a little.”

“Q, nearly ninety percent of my job is effectively being a very well-paid rentboy for the whims of whoever holds the name M.That’s all I am and that’s work.It’s what I do for a living, to protect my country.It’s not who I want to be, it’s not something I ever intended.”

“Working for MI6 isn’t prostitution,” Q protested.“It’s nothing like.”

“I sell my body for information.I destroy lives to protect it.I’m under no illusions of the morality of my position, but I do believe, with everything I am, that it’s the best thing I can do for the world and the thing I can best offer it.Do you understand what that means?”

“Of course I fucking well do,” Q snapped, dropping Turing onto the floor and stomping over to stand over James angrily.“It means you’ll keep doing the job even while it wrecks you and when you’re wrecked enough, you’ll pick one of the absolutely stunning people you get to sleep with on missions and run away with again.You’ll keep running away and leaving me, leaving MI6, until you finally die!”

James looked up at him, ideas finally dropping into place one at a time, filling in gaps.“It’s not the sex that bothers you, is it?”

“God knows I’ve heard you have enough of it, it’s hardly going to get under my skin now, as long as you keep to your condoms out there and at home.”

“We’ll talk more about that later, because it’s often not an option for me, but I swear I will always use them with you and even if I didn’t, you’d be safe from some of the less pleasant effects as I’ve had a vasectomy.”

Q stared down at him in horror.“I can’t get pregnant, you idiot.Testosterone, remember?”

That was something of a relief to James, because there was never anything that was one hundred percent.Backups that would keep something that horrifying from happening were definitely a good thing.The last thing he wanted, in any capacity, was a baby and the thing next on that list was getting Q pregnant.“Ah.Yes, okay, that makes sense.But that’s beside the point.What bothers you is the idea I’ll run away with someone like Madeleine again, isn’t it?”

Q shrugged.“Or Vesper.”

James swallowed his next words so he wouldn’t snap furiously at Q for invoking Vesper’s name.If there was one thing he hated, it was any mention of her.He took a deep breath.“That’s never going to happen again, Q.It’s out of the question.”

“How is it out of the question?It seems like every second mission has some young ingenue hanging off your arm for days and one of them is going to be more appealing than me when you need a break from MI6.”

James met Q’s eyes levelly, wishing that doing so could burn his words into Q’s brain indelibly.“Q, since the first time I kissed you, I’ve had absolutely zero interest in them.You’ve looked after me and been there to give me a break when I needed it and you’re perfect for me because I will never, never have to choose between you and my job.I can have you, I can have the job and I can have a reason to come home, all because you’re exactly what I’ve needed and a little bit of me hates you for it because no one should be able to crawl past my defenses like you have.I didn’t _want_ to love you, I just wanted to fuck you and get it out of my system, but you never do anything the way it’s meant to happen, do you?”

“Are you blaming me for your feelings?” Q snarled.

“I don’t know,” James responded, eyes dropping to the floor.“I just know I started out thinking you were part of some cosmic checklist, that I needed a good shag and I’d get you out of my system and tonight’s just taught me I’m never going to.”

“So what, you blame me for that?”

James took a second to find words and when they came, they came soft and careful.“No, I’m not sure there’s anyone to blame.I just know that I haven’t had a home since my parents died and suddenly, for the first time since I stopped being homesick for them, there’s someone, somewhere I get homesick for when I’m stuck abroad for weeks.I know there’s someone I worry about every time I think I’m going to die.I’ve only been in your flat what, three times now?But it feels more like home than anywhere I’ve lived since I hit puberty and I’m willing to do rather a lot in order to keep that, Q.I’d say I’m willing to do anything, but we both know there are things I can’t betray.I’d come close, though, for you, if I had to make a choice.”

Q didn’t say anything, for a long time, didn’t move.The cats wound around his feet, trilling and peeping and rubbing their faces on James’ ankles.Turing snuffled loudly in one of James’ discarded shoes.Finally, James looked up.Q looked shocked, a little bit like James imagined he would if he’d suddenly and accidentally discovered a way to teleport agents to their locations and save on flight fees that he could then reroute into his own branch’s budget. 

“Do you mean that?” Q asked, tentatively.

“Why do you think I ended up in your office after Franz’ men raped me?It was the only place I wanted to be, the only place that meant anything anymore and it wasn’t because it was part of MI6, it was because it was yours.”

“Oh,” Q said, the look not fading.

“And I don’t think you’ll ever believe me that I’m not going to run off, but the only way I’m not coming back to you is if I’m dead and even then, well, we both know how I am at resurrections.So stop trying to sabotage yourself, stop trying to stay miserable and just accept that I’m here if you want me and if you don’t, then I’m not, but it’s not going to be me that walks away, because that’s not an option anymore.”

“I thought you were mucking about when you said you loved me.I thought this was all a lark.”Q sat down on the sofa next to James and reached down to pet Lovelace.Turing had his whole head in James’ shoe.“You tried so hard not to answer me.”

“I’m not a demonstrative man,” James said.

Q laughed.“Really?”

“Yes, really,” James said, seriously.“I’m overtly sexual, but that has much less to do with feelings than reputation.And I care for you, deeply.I love you.It doesn’t matter if you drink yourself stupid and embarrass me in public, that’s not going to change.”

Q reached over and touched his hand.“I’m not sure I know what love is anymore,” he said quietly.“I don’t know if I’ve ever loved anyone.I don’t know if I know how.”

“Don’t be so stupid,” James said.“You love your cats.If you can care about me half as much as you care about them, then that’s enough for me.You don’t have to love me the way I love you, you just have to let me be here, if you can.That’s all I’m asking.”

“And what if I can’t give you that?” Q asked.

“Then give me what you can.I just want to be here, with you.”

Q searched his face, watching carefully.He waited a moment, then leaned over, resting his shoulder against James’.“I can deal with that,” he said.“My cats are wonderful company, but sometimes I still get lonely.Sometimes, I want more.And you’re willing to give me that?”

James nodded.“Anything.”

“Then I believe we have ourselves a deal,” Q said, sticking his hand out to James.

James took it and shook, turning his face to kiss the side of Q’s head.“Thank you,” he said quietly.“Thank you, so much.I appreciate it.”

“No, I think you’re not quite capable of appreciation.I think, however, that you need it and you’ll come home until you find something better.”

James nodded into Q’s hair.He was positive, though he didn’t say it aloud for fear of causing an argument, that he would never find something better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Splitting it didn't work the way I expected, so there's just one more after this, more of an epilogue than anything else.
> 
> Sorry about the delay, there were family matters stressing me out too much to deal.


	15. And Life Flows On

James wasn’t injured, not really.Not nearly enough to justify going to medical.And he’d found his way onto an earlier flight, so MI6 didn’t even know that he was back on British soil, since Q had gone home already.He smiled as he turned the key and let himself in.Lovelace darted over to the door, trying desperately to escape the flat.She had a new habit and it was driving Q mad.She’d gotten out into the hallway three times in the past week and managed to get herself locked into someone else’s flat for nearly an entire day.James scooped up the cat and carefully shut the door.

Turing wasn’t handy, so he toed off his shoes, scratching Lovelace under the chin, and headed in to Q’s lab.The door was open a crack, just enough for the cats to come and go, so James pushed it open a little wider and a little wider still.It creaked and Q turned, an eyebrow coming up judgementally“I seem to recall booking your flight for tomorrow morning,” he said.

“I thought I’d surprise you,” James said.“Plus, you said the estate agent was giving you trouble.I thought I could talk to her during regular working hours and see if I could work something out.”

Q smiled.“You’re ridiculous.”He turned back to his computer, hitting a few lines of code, then got up.

He was wearing James’ training sweats and they hung off him.His hair was laying against his head in clumps that told James he hadn’t showered in a day or two.Bad days, then.Q had them sometimes and it meant that there wouldn’t be any welcome-home sex.Q didn’t have sex when his skin was crawling and, after the one time he’d tried not to let it bother him and tried to shag James anyway, James was glad for the open signals.He was glad to know that the best thing he could do was wrap Q up in his arms and hold him close, feeling him breathe and his heart beating through the material of James’ shirt.So he did that, drawing Q in and hugging him tightly.

“I missed you,” he said, holding Q close as the cats wound around his feet. 

“You’re bleeding,” Q said, holding a hand up behind James’ back.

“It’s not that bad.I can’t stitch my own back, but I haven’t lost that much blood.It just won’t stay closed.”

“Medical, James.”

James sighed, much put-upon.“I’d be there all night.”

Q rolled his eyes and pulled his glasses off to clean them on his shirt.“All right, then, go get the first aid kit and I’ll go scrub the dining room table.”

“The bathroom has better lighting.”

“Toilets are a bloody geyser of faecal matter, James, we’ve been over this a dozen times.Kitchen or medical, those are the only options.I’ve got a new light, anyway.”

“A new light?”

Q nodded.“It’ll clamp onto the chairs.”

“The cats will try to lick my wounds.”

“Oh, they will not.They know better.They always get in trouble for that.”

James sighed.“All right.I’ll go get the kit.”

“Good.”Q rewarded him with a smile and headed out in stockinged feet.

James watched him go, relief buzzing in his head as he stepped out into the hallway, Lovelace still cradled in his arms.The cats were spoilt little shits and Turing just about tripped James four times on the way to the bathroom.He still crooned at the little monster.Q’s way of addressing them, as if they weren’t horrific little murderous monsters, had rubbed off on him.

He arrived in the kitchen where Q had put out plastic and wiped the table down with what looked like a high percentage alcohol and set Lovelace down.“How do you want me?”

“Topless and cross-legged on the table, please,” Q said, clamping a very bright new lamp onto the chair.

“Always happy to oblige.”James did as he was asked, bringing himself up to a height Q would be able to reach and see easily.

“Ooh, no wonder that wouldn’t stay closed.You ripped that open pretty badly.”Q settled onto the chair and started cleaning and irrigating and stitching the wound.

James hissed and grumbled and squirmed in place, not letting Q give him anaesthetic, something Q grumbled irritably about.There was a lot of mumbling about James’ fragile masculinity.It was routine after months of being patched up in the dining room and having Q grumble every time.

“What trouble’s the estate agent giving you?” James asked, trying to distract himself from the sensation of thread being drawn through his flesh by the fifth or sixth stitch.

“She needs you to sign documents and she wants me to arrange for actual furniture to stage the flat.”

“Wouldn’t people rather see it empty so they can picture their own furniture or some rubbish like that?”

“Apparently not.Apparently there are companies you can contract to bring in furniture.”

James shook his head.“That’s ridiculous.They should just buy the damn flat.”

“Yeah,” Q agreed.“But she’d still need you to sign things.I tried taking away the documents and forging a digital signature, but she didn’t take to it.She’s… not best pleased with me right now.”

“I sign everything in pen.I did when I unloaded the wreckage of Skyfall.She’d never believe digital signatures for me.”

“You’re so archaic,” Q sighed irritably.“Lovelace, don’t you dare get on the table.”He didn’t even have to turn to see what she was doing, he knew her so well. 

“It’s more secure.”

“I can make your digital identity secure!”Q was, perhaps, a little more vicious with the stitch than he needed to be.

“I believe you.Some things should just be done the old fashioned way.”

“I don’t see why.”Q knotted the stitch and peered at the wound.“I think that should hold it.It was really only the middle bit that was a mess.”

“I told you it wasn’t bad,” James said.

Q used some sterile water on a gauze pad to wipe down the blood near the wound.“I’ll leave it open to air?”

James nodded.“Sounds all right.”He stretched upwards and climbed off the table.

Q watched the wound, then pulled his gloves off, apparently satisfied.“That looks good.It should heal up all right.You’ll be able to pass it off as a scuba accident.Some coral or something.”

“I like the ones I can attribute to fun adventures and not horrific car wrecks,” James said, turning to him.

Q stepped in and hugged James tightly, lowering his head to James’ shoulder.“Me too.I don’t like it when you come back in pieces.”

“I know,” James said.He brought one hand up to to stroke Q’s hair tenderly, taking a deep breath.Q’s scent flooded his nostrils, a little rank, but comforting.He froze.“Q?”

“Hm?”

“Lovelace is biting my big toe.”

Q’s voice was happy, almost dreamy when he responded, the smile audible.“She missed you too.She’s welcoming you home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only remaining edits will be collecting up the author's notes and putting them at the end. This story is finished, at last. I'm so sorry the last couple chapters met with delays. I was moving and things have been a bit of a mess.


End file.
